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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oversensitive about something I heard at party?

111 replies

dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 21:27

Hi am keeping the details vague as don't want to be outed.

I overheard a conversation at a party recently, it was a children's birthday party. Two women were chatting, I know them both but one better than the other. The one who I know quite well (I would class her as a friend) had her baby with her and she was letting the other woman hold him while they chatted.

Baby started crying. The woman holding him said "Is he crying because he has ginger hair?" and then laughed. She passed him back to his mother who didn't say anything, just smiled awkwardly. I felt really bad for her! Firstly, he doesn't really have ginger hair it's just a light auburn brown, and secondly even if he did, so what! Babies are beautiful no matter what hair colour they have. And even if you don't think so, surely you don't make a comment like that?!

These two women don't know each other that well, they had mutual friends at the party and probably see each other every few months or so. I've spoken to my friend since this and she said she was a bit surprised but not really offended as she knows this other woman is a nice person and wouldn't have meant it horribly.

AIBU to think it's just something you don't say?!! Am prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:
silverbirches · 11/04/2018 21:29

A case of foot-in-mouth syndrome there perhaps?

nightshade · 11/04/2018 21:30

Yes...probably it isn't something you would say but people socially faux pas regularly...

I think if your friend isn't offended then you are probably being oversensitive...

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 21:31

Of course it's not something you say but then you obviously know that.

At least the mother wasn't offended.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 11/04/2018 21:31

Sounds like she was trying to be funny and spectacularly wasnt misread her audience.

Your friend isn't bothered though so I wouldn't dwell on it.

Slievenamon · 11/04/2018 21:41

People can say silly things, it doesn't mean they are terrible people who are trying to be nasty. If the person she said it to is ok, why aren't you?

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 21:43

All true, she made a faux pas and luckily my friend wasn't annoyed, I think it's just because I heard it and then saw her face and how she didn't really respond and just sensed some awkwardness for a minute!
And I guess I've felt bad for her since then, and wondered whether I'm overreacting. I just can't imagine actually saying that out loud.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 21:43

Do you have ginger hair? Your children? If the mother isn't offended, why however much later after the party, are you?

It sounds like a poor attempt at a joke. Really no biggie.

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/04/2018 21:48

Please don't be offended on behalf of someone else who isn't offended - its patronising in the extreme.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/04/2018 21:49

"At least the mother wasn't offended".

Oh I think she was.Hence the uncomfortable smile.
However she seems the type who is too polite to say anything.
I fucking hate it when people think it's okay to comment and mock ginger hair.Angry If they were mocking skin colour it would and 100% quite rightly too, be called hate crime.

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 21:50

Bluntness nope, me and my children are various shades of blonde and brown! It's weird, no idea why it's bothered me, except as I say, I felt the awkwardness and cringed a bit inside. It's no big deal as you say, I genuinely don't think she meant to be mean.

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 11/04/2018 21:50

I really don't get the comment. I have ginger hair. I've been teased by peers (ie kids as a kid, teens as a teen, adults as an adult) or occasionally as an adult by teens, but never had any adult comment on it negatively as a child. But even so, I really don't get the comment.

AlbertaSimmons · 11/04/2018 21:52

As the parent of a redhead, I'd say that the mum needs to prepare herself for a lifetime of similarly stupid and insulting remarks from people, many of whom will be complete strangers. Ginger shaming is a very popular form of low-level bullying IME.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/04/2018 21:54

As far as I'm concerned there is no such thing as low level bullying.

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 21:54

It's not really a nice thing to say but some people have very dry senses of humour or humour other people don't get. Sometimes I will say stuff that I think is funny that I later realise could be perceived as being serious, then I worry about it for ages afterwards even though nothing was ever said.

If the mother isn't offended then I wouldn't worry. It's better to judge a person's character than a one-off remark otherwise it's hard to make/maintain friendships!

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 21:55

awwlook - I have to say, this did cross my mind at the time. I know it's not the same as a racist comment, but still people with ginger hair DO get a lot of shit, I've seen it through school and in a previous job and don't like it. My friend is not confrontational at all, and so even if she was upset she wouldn't have said anything and caused a scene, it was me sensing it more than anything.

Rafikils
Basically saying that ginger hair drives people to tears, even 6 month old babies...

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 11/04/2018 22:00

I've heard plenty of 'typical' ginger phrases but no one has ever suggested that I am upset because I have ginger hair. New one of me. Thanks for clarifying that though, I did assume she was trying to suggest that the baby was upset because he had ginger hair, but surely the baby wouldn't really be aware of that (yet). Maybe I'm being too logical. Carrot top always confused me too, since the tops of carrots are green, not orange... so probably just me being a bit too logical.

TutTutButt · 11/04/2018 22:02

nasty and unnecessary comment

VladmirsPoutine · 11/04/2018 22:02

Of course it's something that no-one should say. But you already know that.

You seem to be creating rather unnecessary fanfare over it, however.

Wheresthebeach · 11/04/2018 22:04

I've never understood the whole Ginger thing...I think its a great hair colour and any negative comments are quite bonkers in my view. But don't worry about it.

Slievenamon · 11/04/2018 22:05

If they were mocking skin colour it would and 100% quite rightly too, be called hate crime

It would not, and you know it. What a silly thing to say!

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:05

Rafilkils you're right actually! If you break it down the comment doesn't make sense, if it was to a child who was aware of their hair colour or an adult, then yes logically you could suggest their hair makes them cry. Sorry you've been teased about it, I don't understand why and would love to be a redhead!

OP posts:
No1topsecret · 11/04/2018 22:05

Op yanbu.
She is a new mum and she could be feeling more sensitive than normal anyway. To hear a comment like this could be very hurtful to a new mum, and maybe she’s acting like she’s not bothered to save face.
Would anyone think it was ok to say he’s crying because he’s fat/black/whited/disabled? Why should hair colour be any different. In my opinion people can be very discriminatory against ginger hair.
My family and I are fair, but I have notice red headed people can be The target of jokes and I sympathise.

Comments like that from early in childhood could chip away at a child’s self esteem.

If I had been the babies mum I would have been tempted to respond with some equally distasteful humour - he’s crying because hes sick of your unfortunate looking face.....

milliegeobotandyou · 11/04/2018 22:06

@RafikiIsTheBest I presume she meant the baby was crying because they have ginger hair but just as a joke, because like you say the baby wouldn't be aware. So really it was just a dig at her having ginger hair/playing on the stereotype that everyone hates ginger hair.

Cindie943811A · 11/04/2018 22:12

As a child I was taunted with “Red hair for temper” but apart from that was not bullied on account of my hair colour, though I was bullied by a nasty little group of boys when I was 7 or 8.
I’ve heard over the past 10 or 15 years of instances of appalling bullying of red heads. What has caused this change of climate? Is it just that society is becoming less caring and tolerant of difference?
I’d be really interested to know.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 11/04/2018 22:13

I also think that she was offended and that your friend was being a nob. Things like that also piss me off (I have a vested interest) and would have probably pulled her up about it at the time. I imagine that you didn't because it took you by surprise, but after years of hearing similar comments, you do become a little sensitive. If she hears similar in a few years, the other woman will probably have a few ready prepared insults up her sleeve.