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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oversensitive about something I heard at party?

111 replies

dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 21:27

Hi am keeping the details vague as don't want to be outed.

I overheard a conversation at a party recently, it was a children's birthday party. Two women were chatting, I know them both but one better than the other. The one who I know quite well (I would class her as a friend) had her baby with her and she was letting the other woman hold him while they chatted.

Baby started crying. The woman holding him said "Is he crying because he has ginger hair?" and then laughed. She passed him back to his mother who didn't say anything, just smiled awkwardly. I felt really bad for her! Firstly, he doesn't really have ginger hair it's just a light auburn brown, and secondly even if he did, so what! Babies are beautiful no matter what hair colour they have. And even if you don't think so, surely you don't make a comment like that?!

These two women don't know each other that well, they had mutual friends at the party and probably see each other every few months or so. I've spoken to my friend since this and she said she was a bit surprised but not really offended as she knows this other woman is a nice person and wouldn't have meant it horribly.

AIBU to think it's just something you don't say?!! Am prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:
Prestonsflowers · 11/04/2018 22:13

@RafikilsTheBest
Love your comment, “tops of carrots are green”

snowagain · 11/04/2018 22:14

@millie
I presume she meant the baby was crying because they have ginger hair but just as a joke, because like you say the baby wouldn't be aware. So really it was just a dig at her having ginger hair/playing on the stereotype that everyone hates ginger hair.

Yes it was. Nasty cow.

kimanda · 11/04/2018 22:14

Yeah it is a fucking bitchy comment.

FWIW i think ginger hair is BEAUTIFUL and I mean that. I love to see little ginger babies and kiddies, and girls, women, and men. (Prince Harry, James Norton, hubba hubba! Grin )

So I don't 'get' the ginger hate. It's a lovely colour hair, and quite unusual. I love it.

And that comment was spiteful and bitchy, and was NOT just banter.....

@awwlookatmybabyspider

I fucking hate it when people think it's okay to comment and mock ginger hair.angry If they were mocking skin colour it would and 100% quite rightly too, be called hate crime.

^ Agree 100%.

DanceDisaster · 11/04/2018 22:14

I’m a little bit ginger, as is one of my dcs. I’d have bitten back in a jokey way but tbh, I do see these comments as idiotic attempts at banter. My hair colour really has never bothered me. The only red haired person I know who hates their hair colour also happens to be one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met irl. Maybe it’s that my gingerness is the least of my worries Grin!

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 22:17

The baby isn't ginger according to the OP Confused

For all anyone here knows, they could have had a whole conversation previous to this that the OP knows nothing about.

That's the thing about overhearing things, it leaves very little context.

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:19

No1topsecret I feel like you've just summed it up really well. My friend is kind of sensitive and it didn't help, although she has said she's not upset...but I sensed something in the moment.

I posted really because I wanted to know what people thought about WHY she said this - and I should have put this at the beginning so I apologise for the dripfeed but it may be relevant.

The woman who made the comment is married to my friend's ex boyfriend from many years ago. My friend is married to someone else now and has been for a few years and has moved on, however it's always awkward when the two of them are at an event together. The wife of her ex is a nice person, as far as I can tell, but I did wonder whether her comment was in any way influenced by the history.

OP posts:
ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 11/04/2018 22:24

DD and I are both gingery gingers. It isn't a protected characteristic and can't really be compared to race. How ridiculous. I think you are being massively oversensitive.

Grilledaubergines · 11/04/2018 22:24

Really don’t understand why this delightful specimen thought to be such a bitch. Why would she think to be so negative about a hair colour? The Mum will have been offended I’m sure but probably just put a brave face on.

snowagain · 11/04/2018 22:26

@worraliberty so what if baby isn't ginger? The OP said it is auburn brown, and the nasty cow who made the comment thought he was ginger.

AND

It was still a cuntish comment

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:27

Really interesting reading the comments, it's good to hear other opinions, and yes I agree with those saying it's a beautiful colour and I don't get the hate towards it.

Worra yes this is the weird thing, he's not bright ginger just strawberry blonde. He's very fair though so looks almost Celtic so at first glance maybe she just got that impression. I don't know.

Yes am probably overreacting, however I care about my friend and felt for her.

OP posts:
littlemisscomper · 11/04/2018 22:27

Oh ok, so I first read it as her being a toxic bitch making a 'joke' that the baby was crying because he was upset at having ginger hair, but did she actually say it as in, the reason he was crying was because he was (IHO) a redhead, therefore sterotypically temperamental? The former would be poisonous, but the latter just a slightly daft thing to say.

cadburyegg · 11/04/2018 22:28

YANBU

I’m a redhead, so far my kids aren’t so I haven’t dealt with this but i would probably say something like “what’s wrong with ginger hair? It’s beautiful” or something like that. And then probably drop the person from my friendship group

Agreed that it is bullying and the fact that it is over a hair colour doesn’t make it more acceptable

honeylulu · 11/04/2018 22:28

I think she was offensive.
My husband is ginger (and gorgeous) and our youngest has sort of reddish gold hair so I'm particularly alive to the theme that many people think ginger hair is ugly and redheads deserve to be mocked.

Husband and his ginger siblings do take the piss out of themselves and each other about it but it's more in a way of clubbing together against the gingerists IYSWIM.

snowagain · 11/04/2018 22:30

@ruleshelpcontrolthefun
DD and I are both gingery gingers. It isn't a protected characteristic and can't really be compared to race. How ridiculous. I think you are being massively oversensitive.

Just because you are ginger and are not offended, that doesn't give you the right to say other gingers have no right to be offended, or that they have no right to feel the insults are on a par with race hate.

Nope. You don't get to tell people how they feel.....

hdh747 · 11/04/2018 22:33

"Is he crying because he has ginger hair?"
I don't even get that, wtf?
I think ginger hair is gorgeous and I'm very jealous of those that have it.
If your friend isn't worried about it, I wouldn't worry either, but it's just a weird thing to say to me. Maybe she was embarrassed that they baby was crying for her and fumbled a bad joke???

MammaTJ · 11/04/2018 22:33

"Is he crying because he has ginger hair?"

I'm ginger and have two ginger children. My response to this would have been 'No, he's crying because the person holding him isn't ginger. He feels sorry for you'.

Ha ha, nice drip, drip, drip. Totally influenced by the history!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2018 22:34

Rubbish joke op.

Cindie
I think having a fiery temper can be a good thing. However, equating a hair colour to a personality trait is weird and a massive generalisation. I’m surprised and saddened that you say attacks against people with ginger/auburn hair has increased. I thought for the most part society was becoming more tolerant and accepting. And wtf is wrong with this hair colour. It is very beautiful and interesting imo.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/04/2018 22:35

It wasn't a nice thing to say. She was effectively reminding the baby's mother that having red hair (of any shade) is considered by many to be unattractive and socially undesirable.

She probably spoke without intending to be cruel, but her words reflect her negative thoughts about the baby's appearance, and his mother can't fail to have found that hurtful.

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:36

Oh ok, so I first read it as her being a toxic bitch making a 'joke' that the baby was crying because he was upset at having ginger hair, but did she actually say it as in, the reason he was crying was because he was (IHO) a redhead, therefore sterotypically temperamental? The former would be poisonous, but the latter just a slightly daft thing to say.

Ah. I didn't think of it like this, and actually didn't know that redheads are meant to be known for their temper, so this may actually be a possibility. My gut instinct is leaning more towards the first option though.

OP posts:
Hedgyhoggy · 11/04/2018 22:36

I’m a red head and when giving birth to my 2nd child the midwife at first glimpsing babies head said ‘I think baby has dark hair’. When he came out and revealed himself to share my hair colour she apologised. At the 6week check the gp said ‘oh he’s ginger, nevermind’. I just think it’s so daft it’s laughable. People just think it’s the done thing. I love our ginger hair. Blame Catherine Tate entirely 😆

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:40

Ha ha, nice drip, drip, drip. Totally influenced by the history!

@MammaTJ I know Blush should have put it in the OP but was trying to be vague! But then I thought it probably is a bit relevant.

hdh yes my friend did say this, that maybe she was embarrassed he was crying so wanted to save face.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/04/2018 22:41

Just another angle but maybe the mother herself doesn't like ginger hair and the woman who made the comment was offended by that?

My friend's daughter just will not accept her baby has ginger hair and gets very insulted if anyone points it out.

So in her case, I could imagine someone sarcastically asking if her baby was crying because he has ginger hair, just to point out how ridiculous the mother's feelings on his hair colour are.

SaucyJane · 11/04/2018 22:44

Stupid thing to say. I can't believe she meant to be mean, esp about a baby, but who would think that was funny??

I'd been hoping for 9 months that DD2 would pop out redheaded, as there's a fair few gingers in DP's family, but no - just like DD1, she's popped out looking exactly like him, brown hair and all (not sure why I bothered, given that I've only produced clones of DP!!!!).

Original poster
dextermorgan1 · 11/04/2018 22:44

I’m a red head and when giving birth to my 2nd child the midwife at first glimpsing babies head said ‘I think baby has dark hair’. When he came out and revealed himself to share my hair colour she apologised. At the 6week check the gp said ‘oh he’s ginger, nevermind’. I just think it’s so daft it’s laughable. People just think it’s the done thing. I love our ginger hair. Blame Catherine Tate entirely

Actually a bit shocked by this! It's one thing friends and family and strangers making comments but professionals?? Wow! You shouldn't have to put up with it tbh!

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 11/04/2018 22:48

It's just very very bizarre and socially inept!