Softzilla: You play; you pay!

[Unreasonableunreasonableness]

Before you all get excited: no party yet (I was trying to keep when it was vague so more anonymous but i give up) . I have had a message from softzilla.
'So are we calm enough to sort this oot for tomorrow? '

To me it seems that because she can't get at you directly she's using you to now hurt others which will indirectly hurt you! I'm sorry you are going through this, I'd like to think other mums would step up now and say we have all had enough of this bullying behaviour stop or leave the group. I know you don't want that but she's going to ostracise you in anyway she can. There must be more to this than the paying at soft play thing, she must have some other gripe with you, it's like a vendetta...Otherwise it's such a trivial matter and she needs help!

Op sounds like you have handled this all incredibly well. I can’t imagine what I’m Earth is going on with softzilla but there’s nothing that you can do. I doubt she’s going to go away so good luck for whatever she throws at you next.

I agree with others who have said not to confront her. She is desperate for the attention.

Keep your dignity - and your true friends - by not giving her the satisfaction.

I don't think there's much more trouble she can make for you now without ostracizing herself from the group. Enough people are aware of how she operates, you just have to keep her at arm's reach and don't say anything on the group chat that she can ever 'use'. Keep it all very bland and save your chatting for face to face with your good mates. It's quite an easy habit to get into when you have someone toxic floating about in your life.

This pregnant friend upset is still fallout she's causing from fishing about from when things were still all rosy. From now on everyone will be (hopefully) a bit more wary about what they share on the group chat until she's drifted away.

OP your pregnant friend should be as angry about this as you are. Someone was willing to upset her in order to get at you.
You need to ask her again to tell you who gave her this information so that it can be dealt with.
Be sure that it was softzilla before you do anything.

I appreciate this makes me look weak and a pushover

Nah. The thing is, you can't reason with unreasonable people. She's not behaving rationally, her responses and actions aren't rational, so her reaction to your trying to tackle this head on won't be either.

Any engagement will just fuel the fire more. Avoid and ignore, as long as your friends know what the deal is. Eventually she'll move on and obsess about someone/something else.

I actually think that the sp paying incident was the excuse she needed (desite it being utterly bizarre) to start imposing her crazy behaviour not the actual trigger to it.

How long have you known her U? Did she seem ok prior to this all kicking off? Sorry if this has already been mentioned, I haven't read the whole of the previous thread.

Its reassuring to hear that your pg friend felt able to approach you. I very much doubt you will come across negatively by disclosing the back history to this friend. Zilla will out herself to all, then likely move onto another group and start her games all over again.

Block the full on hardcore zilla. She's a complete vindictive menace.

I think the whole group needs to block this woman altogether, and not let her play these games with you all. She's so not worth all this stress.

for you and your pregnant friend.

To me it's an obvious deflection by softzilla by making someone feel like shit, as if their behaviour was worse than hers.

I agree. It also makes SZ look as though she is being "kind" and trying to protect OP (whose hormonal issues are obviously at the root of her totally unreasonable behaviour in declining to pay for the World and His Wife at soft play).

She is much more dangerous than I thought. unfortunately my experience of people like this is that they have no end of energy that they are prepared to expend making other people's lives a misery to serve their own batshit agenda.

Another. Not mother. Thanks autocorrect

Autocorrect - the gift that keeps on giving . . .

i honestly dont understand why the others keep inviting her she has form apparently and now is carryint it on

what does anyone see in her friendship

GabsaLot

Often it's because people don't want to take out adult conflicts on young children who just want to play with their friends and have no idea what the matter is.

I wonder how SZ's poor child felt, stuck outside a party for 45 minutes, while her mother played Silly Buggers.

I would just have to ice her out at this stage. No grand gestures, just avoid eye contact, subtly move away when she approaches, swerve, swerve, swerve. There is nothing to be gained from trying to build a friendship.

But I would evermore refer to her as Softzilla, especially where she might come across it...

She knows she's fucked up and that everyone knows it. So she's trying to change the focus (of who is behaving badly) onto tactless pregnant friend, who no doubt is her next victim. She's setting it up so that TPF is the baddie, the person everyone should be cross with, not her. She (SZ) has only tried to mend fences with you, she tried to talk to you, she took it upon herself to give TPF a hard time because she wants what's best for you, she is a good friend, a better person than TPF. She was only trying to help.

SZ thrives on drama, on trouble, on attention, and on being hard done by.

I feel sorry for TPF, because she is next for this treatment from SZ. And SZ is fine with using your circumstances to hurt the next person.

All very unhealthy and unpleasant. I expect many of you will be giving her a wide berth now as much as possible. Then she will move onto other.

yes good point i did forget about the dc's being friends

poor kids

I'm quite worried about SZ now. Do you think she may have something really horrible going on that has cause this insane behaviour?

V v v v good theory, Buttocks you might be onto something with that.

It's a shame you caved to the silent treatment and apologised.
If someone comes to me after repeatedly insisting that "we need to talk" then it's up to them to talk.
Demanding to talk and then standing silently waiting has the feel of her being "parent waiting for an apology" to me.

Great morning reading both threads! Looking forward to next update

Sorry to hear this is dragging on OP.

I think its a really good sign that TPF felt she could talk to you even after SZ had been shit stirring. I'm glad you were able to talk to her about her stray post.

I think the way that you fight back (so to speak), now that you are angry enough to do so and have had enough (and rightly so!) isn't by confronting her. I think you are absolutely right not to confront her and I'd keep it that way - not least because it's far more effective. Confront, get into that argument she wants, and you'll regret it - she'll cry, twist, argue, you'll end up furious and frustrated with her running off fresh with another 'story' about how you tore a strip off her to twist things further with your friends.

I would continue to completely ignore her as much as possible.

I would 'fight back' by now being far more open about things with your friends. Fuck keeping a dignified silence. I'd be letting the closest and most trusted know about this latest development. Warn them that softzilla is now blatantly targeting you, presumably as she hasn't ended up getting her way with the original 'situation' and is probably pissed off at ending up looking bad. Let them know you're perfectly happy for them to warn the wider group and make them aware that softzilla is badmouthing and lying about you, so could they either discount or check info they receive about you. Spread the word even a little bit and the gossip machine will do the rest. And cut. her. out.

I would definitely tell people that there is misinformation about you coming from somewhere, so they shouldn't believe or react to anything they hear about you unless you have confirmed it yourself.

maybe you could invite pregnant friend to soft play for a coffee, your treat of course, and on the group message. Much as though I would want to call her out, those saying ignore are probably right.

I had a cunty frenemy as well, caused no end of drama and put loads of passive aggressive posts on facebook, then posting to my time line made my fingers itch wanting to reply. Then she started in a group message, little digs at first then direct, as Higgeldy is ignoring me and my family I wont come to a group meet up, everyone ignored her I blocked her after that was fed up with her drama, did feel a bit like she won but I didn't see all her pathetic attention seeking posts

The more you react, the more it will look like there is truth in what's being said. I can't get over the suggestions of excuses such as being a foreigner poor on the Spectrum. No one has any excuse to stir up trouble or tell lies. It sounds like she's a whole heap of trouble. Hold your head high, go to the party and have a great time. If she starts whispering, people will soon realize what a stirrer she is. Perhaps party friend could pointedly say "sorry, why would you say that about OP, Softzilla? You obviously don't have the full story/facts and it seems rather nasty of you?" Or any of your other good supportive friends who lent you money? They don't need to go into details, just support you.

Higgeldy is right, ignoring is the best option.

I would feel tempted to tell Softzilla to her face in front of other people that she is being boring with all this nonsense and to change the record. Like said up thread she sounds very young as do some of the other members of your group. Are they dry at night yet?