Benefit cap/2 child rule

[exemption]

I know benefits it's a heavily debatable subject and I would like some honest opinions on my situation as I'm pretty sure it will be made public soon.

Background -
Was in a 6 year abusive relationship, sexual, physical, emotional, financial, you name it, he did it. I wasn't allowed contraception as he believed I may cheat - 3 pregnancies as a result (that was with sneaking a pill, obviously wasn't routined hence the babies)

Left when I was badly beaten at 7 months pregnant. Children and I stayed in a refuge and eventually was housed somewhere else.

Now I'm fully reliant on benefits for the first time in my life. I've had a letter through stating that I'm £53 over the benefit cap and therefore my benefits are being reduced. I'm also exempt from the 2 child rule which brings in that same amount.

I've written to my MP and he is going to raise it and investigate with HMRC.

That's great, he really wants to help. However I once again have to go and meet him and explain what happened/this situation again for him to build the strongest case for me. It's heartbreaking to keep going through.

Has anyone else been through this? AIBU to be scared of financial hardship and think that financially leaving my wealthy exH was an awful idea? I would never, ever return. But now my children are facing an even harder life because of this. I have so many financial commitments from before that I'm barely keeping up now.

tinpan - I live in London, pay rent and get a lot less than that per week so it is a lot of money in my eyes.

It probably does sound like a lot of money, and it may well be. However right now I'm not coping financially. I've been torn away from everyone I know, I have nobody. I have depression and anxiety which is probably more severe than I realise and I'm paying for a life I no longer have.

My exH is now somewhere in America avoiding him financial responsibilities as he sees that as revenge for me leaving him.

I've gone from relying on a very wealthy husband to relying on the state. My exH treated me like a blow up doll, punching bag, the state and taxpayers treat me as some sort of criminal burden.

I chose neither. I just need some support to get me through this awful time. Once I'm out of it I'll be fine. I just need a safety net as I've fallen so far.

Questioning my finances changes none of those facts. A one system for all is a little flawed as right now I don't feel very protected.

@exemption

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Like I said my support worker from WA has been great. She spoke to my credit card company when I was too scared to. She put me in touch with CAB and came to the appointment with them with me, so we could sort out the rent and council tax arrears.

It's still tight my budget, but it's getting there. I hope things work out for you.

@CatLadyToddlerMother I did when I first entered a refuge, since I've been moved I haven't as I'm in a completely different area so I'll have to get in touch. I don't like having to tell this story so often but I think it's gotten to a point where I have to.

I thought moving would be the fresh start. I no longer think there's such a thing as a fresh start after domestic violence

@exemption

I hate having to retell everyone too. And I've managed to stay in my home after a fight to get ExH out but that's for my own thread I have going.

A fresh start isn't that when you have traumatized children, are recovering mentally and are struggling financially. I just keep repeating to myself that this time next my life won't be the same as it is now.

If you ever want a chat feel free to message me, I'm struggling to sleep at the moment so up in the middle of the night. We don't have to talk about DV or our Exs I promise

@exemption There's some ridiculous comments on here, please don't pay attention. The idea that you should 'just move' or just deal with the debts is ridiculous.
You are rightly doing what is best for you and your children. You all need stability and to recover. Definitely see your hv about healthy start vouchers, and see about pip for yourself. I definitely think you might be eligible. Hopefully if you write to the debt companies and explain the situation and offer the bare minimum it should be okay.
I'm so sorry that you have to keep explaining everything. I was raped by my children's father and had to keep explaining too, and it just dragged up memories that I was trying to move on from.
I think you sound immensely strong, to have left but to be facing this situation now head on. Wishing you all the very best:)

@CatLadyToddlerMother that would be lovely, sadly at the moment I'm fearful that everyone is my ex so I probably won't message you. Which is sad as I could really do with just one person.

@ragmayo thank you, posting on AIBU does invite these people in. I can cope with them, I just wanted a larger pool of help which this thread has mostly been.

I'll get there, nice to vent sometimes. Thank god for anonymous online forums!

OP, I just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you've been treated. I wish you and your family all the luck in the world going forward. I'm sorry I don't have any advice that directly relates to your post, I just didn't want to read and run.

You’ve had some decent advice about stepchange, hv for sure start and food bank referral - you’ve done the really hard thing and this will fall into place with your MP onside along side the other steps.

Personally you have my utmost sympathy, the benefit system is dehumanising and it’s sad that it has come to the pass that benefits advisers have no real power to make exceptions in clearly deserving cases.

OP most women's aid centres can give you sound advice on this, with your specific circumstances

@Wonderlass where the heck do you rent in South Manchester for 360 for a 3 bed? I presume you mean council, but even so? I am too in the same area and private rent is 800+

Shiny - I'm sure the op would happily swap your £1400 for her £1800 if you also take on all the trauma she's experienced, the future consequences of that and all the debt her ABUSIVE ex has landed her with.

Rarely see such a nasty attitude on here.

How much is your rent shiny and how many children do you financially support?

OP has already explained she has high rent costs, a lot of debt, and three children to support. She has also had to set up a completely new household more or less from scratch.

£1800 doesn't go far at all when you're feeding four people, paying out over half of it in rent, and have creditors clawing back early all of the remainder.

But no, no, you carry on getting your dog's in about her having your money.

*digs

Wow shiny what a nasty little person you are. Do you go into the hospitals and tell all the sick people to be grateful you're paying for their care too?

Voice of compassion there shiny - for gods sake just read with empathy before posting in spite

exemption - you sound like you're doing a great job of keeping on keeping on. I can't imagine how difficult this must have been for you to survive - I hope you've had some useful advice from posters who have given some little rays of light

It's not right that because he's in the US he doesn't owe you maintenance. Most states (all but 7, I think) have reciprocity with the UK meaning they will enforce it there. You really should go for maintenance from him.

dont worry op the baliffs wont just turn up the moment you stop paying the debts takes ages to get to that stage and meanwhile you could have applied for a DRO so noone can come round then

do look into it it will really help lower your costs

Millie I'm in Withington. Rent is 89PW
Housing association

I don't have advice to offer on the benefits front, your situation sounds difficult and I really hope you find a way through.

But in terms of maintenance from your ex you may not be totally out of luck, though I imagine it won't be a quick solution. The UK has REMO arrangements with the US. See the government advice here:
www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/reciprocal-enforcement-maintenance-orders-remos

Op you write very articulately and are obviously you're switched on.

I thank god my DM left my abusive father and we were much happier as children, you've done the right thing

However, I wonder as you've gone from a decent income to benifits if you are still using your old shopping habits?

For example do you shop locally when things are marked down?
Do you get all the vouchers from the right agencies (food banks etc)
Are milk tokens still a thing?
Are you stuck with gas suppliers etc?
Do you meal plan?

Have you any office skills you could sue at home, some still need typing skills or proof readers (saves childcare costs

mygoditsfullofstars have you got three children to support and a partner who doesn't contribute?

I don't blame @ShinyShooney for their views, on paper it seems like I should be doing fine. And that money may seem like plenty to someone who isn't struggling with debts and a new household. I've paid my fair bit into the system over the last 12 years, it's my money too. My exH was on a very high rate of tax, it's also his money providing for his children when he won't.

I will be speaking to all women's aid, Christians against poverty and step change today and also will look into the vouchers - this has all been very helpful. People I've spoken to haven't sounded very hopeful regarding maintenance - I've also been advised that by getting multiple agencies involved it does risk my address mistakingly being given.

With my education and previous work experience I have the potential to be earning around £35,000. However at the moment my head is not in the right place and due to the debts and nursery costs it wouldn't make financial sense. Benefits have saved my life however they aren't forever. I don't know anybody who would be ok with being treated like this forever!

I've also been advised that earning too much may exclude me from a lot of help that I need, how true that is I'm not sure but I know legal aid is a big issue for my current situation.

In terms of shopping, I have never been too lavish, however I am paying previous credit cards for shopping I would never dream of doing now.

ALDI, Iceland, Asda and well as eBay and Facebook for household items, clothes are pretty much all I use. And charity shops, I have 3 "everything £1" charity shops and the items I've found in there have been amazing!

I'm currently on a mattress on the floor I got for free off of Facebook, my children's beds were all free too - luckily our home was given to us in lovely condition so decorating costs haven't yet been needed. We have 1 tv with the lowest £18 internet and free view TV package, my phone contract is almost over and I'll be switching to SIM only. I sold my phone and traded for a much older model. I've used TopCashback for all new contracts and purchases, including gas and electric and currently have £320 waiting to be paid out.

I think I'm coping with adjusting from my old life, to be honest after this I don't think I would ever want to go back to a life like that.

Exemptiin I am sorey you find yourself in this situation. Your MP will be interested for at least 2 reasons. Firstly whatever it may seem tge majority of people go into politics because they care about others. Secondly your casr is probably unusual amd highlights a flaw in the "rape clause" which bad perhaps not been properly considered in conjunction woth the cap rule.. most MPs love anomolies it gives them something to talk about! ( I was a local councillor for years and got to know quite a number of MPs of various parties)

Definately apply for discretionary housing benefit. As its name suggests it is actually a benefit the decider officer has discretion over so you should gave a good chance I hope.

Good luck. I hope the turkey dinosaurs lead you and your children onwards away from the trauma that came before.

( mumsnet we need a turkey dinosaur emoji )