MIL preference is killing me

[Gingerbreadlattes]

MIL prefers DS over DD, it’s no secret that she gets on with men better than women and likes boys over girls. Hence why I’ve never really had a relationship with her, nor does her daughters and other granddaughters. She puts no effort in having relationships with her children and grandchildren. She believes the sun shines out of my DHs arse, her only son. She adores my DS, and mainly ignores my DD. It’s soul destroying to see my little girl sat there in the corner and watch her brother get all the attention from MIL.

Heres some of the things she does.

1.	Sometimes when she comes to the house and DD is standing at the door she will walk past DD to go find DS
2.	Will sit on the sofa with DS, arms around him and ask him what toys he want on Argos website while DD is sat on the other side of the sofa and just staring at them.
3.	I’ve caught her many times kiss DH and DS goodbye, and turn her back to DD even though both DC are standing next to each other. She will literally sometimes call DS over for a kiss while she’s next to the front door, and not DD. 
4.	Went on holiday and sent a text to DH about the things she bought for DS, no mention of DD. 

I get that you can’t help who you love most, but does it have to be so obvious? It’s gone to the point now where 9 out of 10 times when MIL comes round, DD doesn’t want to be around her and just follows me around the house. She hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be around her, but when I ask her to go sit down in the living room with MIL and DS, she says no I don’t want to.

Please tell me this is not normal and I’m not overreacting?

My DC are 4 and 5.

Fizzy is right - my DH was his GM’s golden boy, and he loathed her. She used to buy Xmas presents just for him and not for his little sister, and his little sister used to try to get GM to like her while DH refused to speak to her, refused to kiss her, and as soon as he was old enough he refused to go on family visits. He could see what a cow she was, and her trying to buy him off actually just entrenched that.

My parents preferred my older sister to me and this has damaged our relationship. There is always a distance between us. We are now 37 and 43. Some things never leave you.

That's awful :( it's a shame that you and your sisters relationship suffered because of it too because really she had no control over it either but I hope the OP takes note of your post and the damage it can cause

You need to make it clear that this will not be llowed to continue.
My partner's mother showed an overwhelming preference for his sister throughout their childhood and beyond.

When we had our first child (much later than his sister) she made it very clear that she couldn’t be bothered with him and much preferred her daughters children, who are incidentally all girls. We cut contact. tbh I don’t think much better of his sister, who was nothing but encouraging of his mothers preference.

She’s obviously one of those creepy MIL’s who are obsessed with having sons and are jealous of other women. I’d ban her from the house

So you would disagree that the daughter is at risk of emotional harm with continued regular exposure to this woman?

Yes,becauset that is obviously what I meant when I said social services involvement was not appropriate

Gosh OP your MIL sounds like my STBX (thankfully) MIL.

She doesn’t like women and has no female friends (not helped by her propensity for trying to shag any man in her vicinity, married or not). She had seven children, the first quickly followed by Golden Boy (who I stupidly married), then four whom she ignored, and finally Golden Girl. DC1 was totally screwed up, GB thought he and she were wonderful on every level, and GG also thinks she’s quite fantastic. The four middle ones turned out to be very normal and have all done extremely well, they became a little unit on their own, not influenced by the vile cow.

All the children bred extensively, and out of each family she would choose one Golden Grandchild, and is now trying to continue this with her Great Grandchildren. Finally though there has been a revolt, and the not Golden Grandchildren now refuse to let her see their children. She would do things like give £20.00 to one child and nothing to the other two.

To a certain extent she wasn’t too bad with mine as they were GB’s issue (I was considered merely the vessel that carried them), and although DS is very much the Golden Grandchild my DDs haven’t missed out too much.

She’s never really been called on her behaviour; one BIL did and she’s hated him with a vengeance ever since. If anyone said anything she'd have a funny turn, and the not-golden children seem to have been desperate to make the cow love them - all to no avail, she still can only bitch about them, they’re either lazy, plain, fat or work too hard. One is now NC and one has very little to do with her.

I used to fantasise about having a go at her, but knew if I did she'd have a “turn” , and could imagine her dying words being “Molecule said....”. The only person she loathed more than BIL was me, all because I married GB. Now we’ve separated she and STBX have found life isn’t quite so much fun, and despite having many children and grandchildren no one wanted them for Christmas, until finally one of the Golden Grandchildren relented.

Anyway the above is not much help to you, save to say that you are not the only one in this position. The Golden Child often doesn’t see what the problem is, and tbh I wish we'd separated much sooner (in my case there was EA, FA and finally it was when it became physical I couldn’t keep going any longer). Funnily enough MIL was proud of this; STBX raped me, and rather than keep quiet she told all the family. I think in a perverse sort of way she was chuffed he could still get it up after 27 years of marriage. This backfired with most of the family wanting nothing to do with STBX so Golden Son is now left somewhat tarnished.

Sorry for the essay (there’s actually much more to say on the subject; MIL is almost unbelievably vile), but I really think you need to remove yourself from this marriage. I imagine neither your DH nor MIL will change, and the less your DD sees of her the better.

Thank you again guys, yes I am really proud of DD for walking away from her but I don’t think she understand the blatant favourism MIL is doing, DD can just see MIL is doing certain things with DS she’s not doing with her and when she’s not getting any attention that’s when she comes to me and leaves the room. It’s sad really, because DD who’s only 4 is the sweetest, caring, most affectionate little girl you’ll meet. Even the staff at her nursery praise her all the time, DD is really close to one of the staff members and this particular staff member hasn’t got any children herself, but she always tells me how she wishes to have a daughter like DD, so it’s sad really that this old evil cow who happens to be my DDs grandmother can’t even see it. It’s her loss though.
DS is really young, only 5. Right now he can’t see what MIL is doing, but I know once he gets a bit older he will realise the effect it has on DD and won’t have anything to do with MIL. And to be honest I don’t even think she will be around for that long, she’s in her late 60s, really bad diabetes, severe heart problems etc.

I’m so sorry that some of you have gone through the same things DD is going through right now as a child and I’m really sorry that I’ve brought up those bad memories to the surface by starting this thread .

Molecule I’m glad you’re getting rid of him and I’m also leaving mine. My MIL is the same, has no female friends. Thank god I’ll never see her again once I move out.

Sometimes I think maybe it's just a generations thing that some women like men more, I don't know. Still no excuse to behave that way! Really hope my DC disown her, I can't stand the woman!

It’s not a generational thing; my MIL is 90 so a generation on from yours. In each generation there will be people like them.

Be prepared for her to last for ever. My MIL was only 60 when I first knew her and was constantly at the doctors. As far as I know she’s had heart problems, diabetes, ovarian cancer, high blood pressure and arthritis and no doubt in the last year some more have emerged. She loves male doctors - apparently it’s much easier for girls to qualify, so they’re never as good.

It is lovely not to have to ever see her again.

That's really awful OP.

My suggestion comes after watching my SIL do this as my stepMIL clearly favours dniece 1 over dniece 2.

Everything MIL is unfair / plays favourites, point it out there and then. You don't have to be mean or cause a row, just state the fact that she is being unfair to DD and offer DD something else to do.
This will hopefully do 3 things:
1 - shows MIL you don't accept her behaviour
2 - shows DD you're aware of her being left out and it's ok to be assertive
3 - shows DS that him and his sister are equal become you don't want him being a golden child do you?

As I said, SIL has done this several times so at our last get together, both nieces were playing a game and SMIL continually praised dniece 1s performance and said nothing to dniece 2. dn1 started cheering on her sister and told us all to tell dn2 how well she was doing. She also made a point of asking SMIL "x (dn2) is really good isn't she granny?"
I swear I saw a smug smile on SILs face. She's made her children a team and they're working together to overcome the favouritism.

Oh no Molecule I was hoping she would be gone in the next 5 years. don’t even want my DC to remember this old cow. Good luck with your new independence .

HandbagCrazy The DC are really close to me, especially DD. And they are really close as brother and sister, you can’t give one of them something or take one out without the other asking. So no way DS In 10 years time will tolerate the way MIL treats her, he doesn’t even like when I tell her off. I love the fact that they’re so close and he will always try and protect her.

Contact with MIL will definitely decrease, she will go from seeing the DC several times a week to maybe once a week when I move out. And I’ll make sure my little girl got loads of things in her backpack that will keep her entertained while she’s at her dad so she won’t be spending time with MIL. And I just have to wait for the day when DD is old enough to see what a vile cow MIL is and refuse to go there, which I know will happen sooner or later.

Honestly I cannot fathom how you can be so indifferent to a 4 year old girl, YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD that she doesn’t even want to be around you? I just can’t get my head around it, when I have grandchildren in 25-30 years time I will love them unconditionally. They are a product of my own children. It’s just crazy to see how some people’s minds work and the way they think.

Another thing PP who were the least favoured child has mentioned, is that the favoured child grew up to be selfish individuals, which is so spot on because golden boy STBEXH is the most laziest selfish, self entitled, self absorbed person known to mankind. He's truly vile and he's welcome to MIL. No child of mine will ever be a golden boy/girl. My DC are equal in my eyes, regardless of their genitalia.

I cannot wait to come back on MN one day, and tell you guys that my DD has refused to see MIL

@trinity66
Thank you for responding to my post. My sister was treated as the golden child and her views and opinions taken into consideration. She was an intellectual person at a young age and my father treated her as an adult almost to the exclusion of my mother. My mother simply got on with the housework silently as her husband and eldest daughter discussed things such as politics, current affairs, history, literature etc. I remember being as young as 7 or 8 and absolutely resenting my sister for usurping my mother's place, and hating my father for allowing it. I knew my mother hated it but accepted it.
She was almost like a maid while the two of them got on with the far more important task of putting the world to rights.
What i find difficult to forgive regarding my sister's behaviour is that she would play up for my father's attention and not let myself or my other sister get a look in. She also bullied me emotionally and belittled me constantly and neither of my parents took much notice of it. I had and still do have a difficult relationship with my parents for allowing my sister to bully me.

My sister and I do have a caring and compassionate relationship now but there is always a distance and coldness between us. We see each other regularly but the laughter feels forced.

OP I'm really sorry for hijacking your thread to vent but it has brought up issues for me from my childhood. I am very sensitive to people prefering one child over the other. I have in the past pulled a distant cousin over her prefering one son over the other. She wasn't too happy about it but it definitely gave her something to think about as i noticed a change in her behaviour.

OP You need to tackle this issue so that one day your daughter doesn't resent you for not protecting her from her gm.
Once again I apologise for my long ramble. Wish you all the best xx

Doingreat Im really sorry for everything that's happened in your childhood

I think I'm gonna ask MNHQ to delete this thread as it's quite sensitive to some of you. Thank you again.

The same thing happened with my OH and his DB. Their GM doted on my OH and showed no interest in his DB. His DB grew up hating her. I mean truly hated her and had real issues with both his DP for allowing it to happen. Especially when it continued with their own children. He didn't take his DC to see her and he certainly didn't visit. My OH didn't grow up arrogant or the golden child, she was the only one that did that. There was alot of other family around inc other GP who didn't behave like that with them. But it definitely affected his DB. Feel for your DD.

Most threads are sensitive op. Unless people state its upsetting them or report it its fine.

If everyone stopped posting threads because they might be sensitive to someone, then the site wouldn't be much help to people.

You've had advice from people who have experienced this problem, which you wouldn't have had (the advice) if you hadn't posted. Surely they would hide the thread and not post if it was too upsetting for them?

My grandmother favoured mu sister. She looks more spanish like that side of family where im more arian looking. It caused problems in my ds relationship and even as a very young child I felt inadequate. Dont let you mil destroy your dd confidence or the relationship with her brother. Plus she may start to feel boys are superior and grow up believing this which could result in all sorts of problems. Or your son coukd feel he is better than women and treat them like shit. You need to protect your children.

Hope your ead this before the thread goes ...

I think that over time you need to concentrate, oddly enough, on your son. I think you need to teach him about fairness and unfairness and treating people the same; and then you quietly need to point out when -he- gets attention and presents and his sister doesn't.

Perhaps read stories and emphasise on how his sister is -his- sister and special, and how he must stand up for her when she needs it and when she is being treated unfairly.

When you separate, you won't be able to control your mummy's boy ex. But you can teach your son how to handle this and how to see what's going on, and how to value his lovely sister.

Ginger she favours your ds because she wants the admiration of males, young or old. Intrinsically she feels females are competition - young or old.

I’d really limit the time she spends at your home or around her because your dd is just simply getting used to a male being ‘better’ than her at such a young age.

Maybe you can start loudly saying

‘Mil where is dd cuddle?’
Mil you forgot to cuddle dd
Mil you just walked straight past dd she’s waiting for a cuddle

No way would I allow one of my kids to be walked over to get to the other one

.. kneedeep said it so much better on p5!

MNHQ emailed me back saying that won't take this thread down because nobody has reported it .

Yes I am protecting my DC by moving out, by removing them from the situation and limiting contact with this woman. I'm moving out soon. I always tell him to share the things MIL gives him and not DD, sometimes he does share and other times he tells me "I forgot", bless him. Sometimes she will literally let him play on her phone until it dies while DD is sitting next to him, watching him.

I just let her have my phone but it still annoys me that she doesn't even let DD have a turn.

Dancing she is a jealous woman and really struggled to accept when I married her golden boy, this is a woman who used to tell me when I complained about DH being lazy around the house, that housework is women's work. So she's got issues and still stuck in the 50s.

Great post SeaEagleFeather.

Can ds and dd play together on her phone? Maybe you could encourage ds to ask dd to come and sit beside him and they can both hold it and take turns to touch? DD can sit on the ohter side of ds from mil and then she'll be a bit less included, which is as it should be.

You could start them doing that with your phone on all the days when mil isn't there, so that it becomes a more natural way of doing it and he automatically calls dd over to share the phone game.