MIL preference is killing me

[Gingerbreadlattes]

MIL prefers DS over DD, it’s no secret that she gets on with men better than women and likes boys over girls. Hence why I’ve never really had a relationship with her, nor does her daughters and other granddaughters. She puts no effort in having relationships with her children and grandchildren. She believes the sun shines out of my DHs arse, her only son. She adores my DS, and mainly ignores my DD. It’s soul destroying to see my little girl sat there in the corner and watch her brother get all the attention from MIL.

Heres some of the things she does.

1.	Sometimes when she comes to the house and DD is standing at the door she will walk past DD to go find DS
2.	Will sit on the sofa with DS, arms around him and ask him what toys he want on Argos website while DD is sat on the other side of the sofa and just staring at them.
3.	I’ve caught her many times kiss DH and DS goodbye, and turn her back to DD even though both DC are standing next to each other. She will literally sometimes call DS over for a kiss while she’s next to the front door, and not DD. 
4.	Went on holiday and sent a text to DH about the things she bought for DS, no mention of DD. 

I get that you can’t help who you love most, but does it have to be so obvious? It’s gone to the point now where 9 out of 10 times when MIL comes round, DD doesn’t want to be around her and just follows me around the house. She hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be around her, but when I ask her to go sit down in the living room with MIL and DS, she says no I don’t want to.

Please tell me this is not normal and I’m not overreacting?

My DC are 4 and 5.

WHY are you and your bloke allowing this? Seriously, call her out on it and tell her if she doesn’t sort her head out she won’t get to see either of them.

What does your dh say? Does he see it? You need to discuss it with him and get him to discuss it with her.

If your DH thinks you are exaggerating, get one of his sisters to explain what it is like to him. I am assuming she has been told about her behaviour. I would also stop visits unless she can even things up.

Have you said anything to MIL about it? This needs to stop, now. I was the least favoured grandchild and it is awful. My grandma just didn’t like me and made no secret of it. Horrible. Your MIL needs to change her behaviour or she doesn’t get to see either of her grandkids. Protect your daughter from this, please.

I am horrified that the woman is allowed into your house at all. You call to her house without the kids and have it out with her, both of you, pull no punches, she is in evil bitch, it's last chance saloon, she stops instantly because even a hint of favourtism and you will escort her out of your house and she won't see either of them again. If my dh didn't agree he could fuck off and live with mammy, how could you watch all that happen and not say it to her???

I would call her out on her behaviour and say that if she can't treat them both fairly then she won't be visiting again. Your poor DD.

That's going to be damaging and so hurtful for your daughter. For that reason I think I'd have to decline her any further contact with the children unless/until she can sort out her behaviour.

Intentional or unintentional, this is emotional abuse for your DD. Don't let this continue. Confront MIL and give her a chance to make amends, if she is unwilling to enjoy her grandkids equally then she is no longer allowed to visit.

The person who is most at fault here is YOU.

YOU have allowed it happen since the children were born.

Why?

4 YEARS is a long time to just let this happen.

Would only happen once with me, and then out on her arse.

Had similar years ago with my ex’s mother favouring one of our children over the other one. Nipped it in the bud straight away and it got loads better (although she’s still a total cunt). Since splitting up with ex however she seems to have regressed back to her old ways however it’s massively backfired on her as both children have united against “mean nasty grandma”. Otherwise there isn’t much I can do now apart from keep note of everything.

In short my advice is, make it clear that MIL stops this shitty behaviour or she isn’t welcome to spend time with either of your children. At all. Birthdays, Christmas, anything.

I would arrange for DS to be at a friend’s house next time she is due to visit and see how she does.

We've had this with twins in the family, and a relative who came from a very dysfunctional family themselves and had this core belief that they could only have a relationship with one of the children, not both. When they were babies they actually talked about their mental process of choosing which child it was going to be. It was managed by saying very firmly, plenty of times when they were babies that no, both children mattered equally and stamping on the 'but x is the BEST one' and 'here's the most beautiful girl in xshire - and there's y', and now the children are old enough to understand what's being said around them, an adult in the know is always there when that relative is with the children who will swiftly step in, redirect and if needed remove the children if anything inappropriate is said or done. All credit to the relative, they are trying to change horrible patterns they suffered through as a child, they have tried hard and it's getting less and less of an issue by the year.

The really important thing is the damage this will do to the relationship between your children; look up golden child/scapegoat dynamics. The favoured child often suffers as much if not more than the rejected child and often feels very guilty for their sibling being hurt.

It’s not normal, and that’s because it is not normal for you as their mother to sit there passively letting it happen.

You should have nipped it in the bud years ago when there was some chance of correcting her without wrecking the relationship, but now the behaviour is so well established you will probably end up going NC.

My mum did this to ds2. This is one of the reasons we don't see her anymore. It is just as horrible for the favoured child. Don't let her carry on abusing your dcs. You probably won't get anywhere telling her she's wrong. Stop visits until she can behave herself. This may mean never as she obviously doesn't think she's wrong.

Protect your daughter from this hurt. No one else will.

You will can never stop man-leeching, it's a lifetime condition. Where I would be concerned is how it will affect DS and his relationship with his sibling and family members later in life, especially if he's being told he's the golden one by the parceltongue.

Firstly, I am so sorry that you and your DD have to go through this.

Secondly, and I apologise for sounding harsh; you need to step up and stop this.
DO YOUR JOB AS A PARENT!!!

It is your job to protect your DCs. By allowing this to continue you are standing by and letting your children be emotionally abused.

This woman is could be systematically destroying the sibling relationship between your children . It is your job to stop this.

She is currently hurting your DD.

She could potentially massively harm your DD’s development.

You DCs can’t stop this. It sounds like your DH may be not great in this situation, so it is up to you.

Btw OP, you must be proud of your little girl - assertive enough at four to walk away and say clearly 'nope, don't want to' when she's not treated well. Good for her!

I would straight up tell her if she can't treat them both the sane then she ain't welcome anymore. This is setting the kids up for bad sibling rivalry and low self esteem for your daughter. What a evil witch to do that to your dd

Stop contact. Your dh can see his mum but you have a duty to your children which far outweighs any duty he feels to make sure his mum sees the one of her grandchildren she cares about. Tell her why.

What a nasty cow she sounds.

Why is your husband not addressing this?

I agree with the others -don't let this woman near your children. My mum did this to my brothers, they could never do anything wrong in her eyes, unlike me and my sisters. End result? my brothers grew up to be nasty, selfish individuals who put themselves first in any situation. Her favouritism is damaging to all children, as someone else said.

Please stop contact. It is damaging your daughter.

I know its difficult to just stop contact but you need to put both your childrens welfare first. Not only is it damaging to DD it is teaching DS this behaviour is ok.

That is awful! Realistically it is for your DH to pull her up on it.

No it's really not.

It's for either or preferably both parents. This is an issue regarding the OP's daughter. The perpetrator doesn't matter.

Both parents are being wet and letting their dd down.