MIL preference is killing me

[Gingerbreadlattes]

MIL prefers DS over DD, it’s no secret that she gets on with men better than women and likes boys over girls. Hence why I’ve never really had a relationship with her, nor does her daughters and other granddaughters. She puts no effort in having relationships with her children and grandchildren. She believes the sun shines out of my DHs arse, her only son. She adores my DS, and mainly ignores my DD. It’s soul destroying to see my little girl sat there in the corner and watch her brother get all the attention from MIL.

Heres some of the things she does.

1.	Sometimes when she comes to the house and DD is standing at the door she will walk past DD to go find DS
2.	Will sit on the sofa with DS, arms around him and ask him what toys he want on Argos website while DD is sat on the other side of the sofa and just staring at them.
3.	I’ve caught her many times kiss DH and DS goodbye, and turn her back to DD even though both DC are standing next to each other. She will literally sometimes call DS over for a kiss while she’s next to the front door, and not DD. 
4.	Went on holiday and sent a text to DH about the things she bought for DS, no mention of DD. 

I get that you can’t help who you love most, but does it have to be so obvious? It’s gone to the point now where 9 out of 10 times when MIL comes round, DD doesn’t want to be around her and just follows me around the house. She hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be around her, but when I ask her to go sit down in the living room with MIL and DS, she says no I don’t want to.

Please tell me this is not normal and I’m not overreacting?

My DC are 4 and 5.

This is blatant favouritism and cannot continue.

If she cannot behave herself and treat them both equally (and kindly) then she can see neither of them.

Don't enable this shitty behaviour.

My grandparents where like that. My dad was an only child and the adored him and my brother, I may as well have not been there. It all came to a head one day when my dad arrived home from work and my brother had a new bike.

I was just sitting there, dad took the bike from my brother, went to his parents -they lived 10 doors away- and gave them the bike back telling them that they had two kids and unless they started treating us the same, then not to buy anything. I got a bike the next day!

This isn't normal. I'd not let her be around ds if she can't behave the same around dd

THIS ^

How DARE she make your DD feel unloved and unwanted. She is a cowbag.

Tell her straight that your children come as a package, and if she wants to spend time with one, she has to spend time with the other, too - and that if she buys anything for your DS, if there isn't something similarly wonderful for DD, then DS's present goes straight to the charity shop!

Why are you allowing this emotional abuse?

You are damaging the relationship between your kids by allowing black sheep/golden child scenario.

This is fascinating - I'm guessing your son is the 1st born?

My Grandparents were like this with me... when my DF was young they asked him if he wanted a sibling - he declined (who does that - why give the child the option?) So - he grew up as an only child, but had 2 DC - my older brother and me. GP felt that I shouldn't exist as my brother should have been given the choice - so massively favoured him over me. It was horrible and damaging.

Your DH needs to take control of this, it's not fair on your DD.

This is incredibly damaging for your daughter. Its emotionally abusive and will effect her self esteem. I honestly would not let her around either child again. It may also effect your son negatively too and the way he views and treats women in the future which may lead to great unhappiness for him. She cannot be allowed to do this. It really is serious and even at so young the children are clearly picking up on it.
I know it must be hard because she is your close family and you feel that she should be involved in your childrens lives... but please dont minimise this, its emotional abuse and WILL harm your children long term.
If she wont stop it then keep her away from them.

Children follow example from adults. Do you want your son to start treating your daughter in a similar way? That could ruin their sibling relationship and impact on your whole family.

GP felt that I shouldn't exist as my brother should have been given the choice

Did it not occur to them that perhaps he HAD been given the choice, and decided he wanted a brother/sister.

Grandparents like this are vile! My paternal GM hated me. I was the oldest and she told me once that if I hadn't been born my parents could have split up - and she would have got her son back - she hated my DN, too.

She played one member of the family off against another and made everybody's life hell - really, truly, HELL.

Ny father just couldn't see it.

Your DH is an absolute dick if he doesn't do anything or support you. You need to stop further contact

Thank you so much for your replies. I forgot to add I am in the process of moving out of the house. We are currently separating and this is one of the reasons why our marriage broke down. He is a mummy’s boy and he is one of those men who cannot stand up to their mothers, who would rather bury their head in the sand then to confront her. He always undermines things and tells me I’m overreacting whenever I bring it up to him, which is why I’m posting here. I have had it out with MIL in the past about this, and she makes excuses and says “ it’s because DS comes over to her, DD doesn’t” which is a lie, because she has on many occasions gone to DS herself as he is playing in his bedroom or doing something else in the house. I tried before going NC with her because of this but I can’t because DH will not support me, whenever I stand up to this old cow he won’t support me and tells me I can’t stop her seeing her grandchildren, whenever I tell him I don’t want her coming to our house and he should go to hers, he tells me it’s his house and he gets to decide who stays and goes. To be fair he has told his mother she shouldn’t treat them like that, it does improve but she slowly goes back to her old ways. For most part, he just ignores it and makes excuses for her. And to be honest whenever MIL comes round everything that she buys for DS, she will buy for DD. Whenever she buys sweets, she will buy two of each of everything. She will hug and kiss DD sometimes, she will sit on the sofa with just DD and watch tv, she will let DD sit on her lap etc. But that only happens SOMETIMES, 90% of her attention goes to DS. And that is what hurts most. There was one time when DH and MIL went to the corner shop, they took DS with them and DD had to watch them walk to the corner shop from the window, I had it out with him when MIL went home that day, of course he was telling me I was overreacting, it’s nothing “ they were just going to the corner shop, what’s the problem”.
Then there was a time when MIL was ill and she just got discharged from hospital, she came to pick something up from my house. She was sat in the car with SIL, what did DH do? My DC were in their pyjamas, he literally took DS out to see MIL “just to cheer her up”. What the fuck? Why did he not take DD to cheer MIL up? Because she was in her night dress and apparently it was “too cold”.

When I started dating DH, SIL told me he was the “blue eyed boy” and he could do nothing wrong. I laughed it off and brushed it off, and stupidly I went on to marry him. In hindsight I think she was trying to warn me, I now realised what she meant. So I have decided I cannot longer be in this marriage with this man child who have not yet cut the cord with his mother, what worries me is that when I move out and he has the DC in the weekends his mum will be here and I won’t be here to protect DD, I have this feeling that DD won’t even want to come here and would rather stay with me.

I can’t keep the DC away from her when we get divorced because I know he will fight me over this, my only option is to hope DD refuses to see her when she’s at his house.

I know realise why she doesn’t have a proper relationship with her own daughters, the relationship she has with her daughters is so different to what she has with DH. And I think it’s properly because how she treated him different to his sisters, and they were fully aware of this. I think I’m gonna talk to MIL again when she comes round next time for the 100th time. If she counties, I’d just have to take DD out when she’s due to visit, what else can I do with a husband who doesn’t support me in this?

I agree with everyone that it's totally unacceptable. Have you or your DH told her so? If not, why not?

If it were me she would not be allowed to see them until she proved that she was capable of treating both children equally. If she was unable to do that, I would go NC.

My Grandmother was like this. The sun done out of my DB's arse and she loathed me. She would call me names and insult me in front of the family. Neither of my parents defended me in front her. Weirder still they seemed to think it was a bit of a family joke, which still confuses me. Horrible, vindictive witch that she was. Was delighted when she died.

This woman, if the children were mine, would have long since lost the privilege of interacting with both of them.

This really, urgently needs to stop, and if your dh won't act, you need to - while asking some very hard questions of your dh.

This is awful for your dd but potentially awful for your son too - such a weird, skewed way of having a relationship.

Like others, I think you need to take control. Sit her down and say just what you said on here: MIL, you clearly completely favour ds over dd and seem incapable of hiding it. This is affecting both my children and not for the better. I can't control how you feel but I can control exposing my children to it. Unless you behave in a normal way to both my children, not favouring one over the other, I will be limiting the time you spend with either of them. Also, please know that apart from birthdays, if one of my children gets a present or a treat from you, then the other will too. Either both or neither.

She'll probably go ballistic but just smile and say - this is the way it is going to be.

Then see how it works out. If she can convincingly fake it with your dd, fine. If not, I'd have no compunction about cutting her time with any of the children down to almost nothing.

Or you could simply not bother trying to change her (unlikely to work anyway) and reduce contact to the bare minimum.

Your dh needs to be more aware too. When he got that text about things she had bought for ds, what did he do? Did he text back "what about dd?"

X post.

I think you may need the support of a solicitor and, as dramatic as it sounds, social services in terms of organising contact. As things stand, your dd is at risk of emotional harm during contact with her father. It may be that your dh needs to have the expectation that he will protect his daughter made clear to him by someone in authority.

Sorry, OP, crossposted. Sounds like a really difficult situation and as you say, it will be difficult to have any control over her behaviour after you have split with your 'D'H. How old are the DC? Is your DD of an age where she could refuse contact with her GM?

nd, as dramatic as it sounds, social services in terms of organising contact

No just dramatic, but ridiculous. SS won't be the slightest bit interested in this.

I would stop her seeing your SON.... its sounds very creepy

I have this feeling that DD won’t even want to come here and would rather stay with me.

She will.

And your stupid husband will, just like his obnoxious thick mother, lose his own relationship with his daughter and his daughter's future family because she will quite rightly grow to despise him just as you now do.

You can do nothing to control what will happen when you are not there, but you can make it clear to your soon-to-be ExH that this is where he is heading, and you will not, once you are apart, make excuses for him or his mother. You'll prioritise your DD's emotional health, and that will mean NOT gaslighting her when she comes to you and asks you why her dad facilitates her grandmother's favouritism. There'll be no 'Oh but he doesn't! He loves you just the same!' bullshit. You'll agree, and tell her that his behaviour is as bad as hers, it's because he was brought up badly and to treat people unfairly by his mother, and that's the main reason why you live away from him now. She'll get support and the truth, and support if she decides she doesn't want to visit often or to see her poisonous granny.

You might want to warn him too that fate has a nasty way of kicking you up the arse, and it might end up being not your DD but your DS who asks these questions. I had a granny who played favourites. I was the favourite. Didn't stop me seeing and despising her behaviour and ending up thoroughly disliking her. There's a strong a chance that your DS will vote with his feet just as much as your DD when he's older and grows up to compare the feeling of fair play in your house, compared to the awkwardness in his Dad's.

That's the main reason you're doing the right thing. Unlike your H, both your children are going to get the opportunity to learn that families don't work well like this. They'll grow up seeing that they have a home where they are treated equally, and hopefully they will both choose that that's the way they prefer it.

So - nothing you can do to influence them and their set up, but everything you can do to refuse to accept or entertain it. First you move out, you divorce, then you are steadfast in not only giving your children the opposite message in your own home, but by making it clear that Dad/Granny's treatment of them is wrong and unfair. Let your H rant about that - when you are out and away from him, there won't be a thing he can do about it.

I would stop her seeing your SON.... its sounds very creepy

What do you mean by creepy? Its definitely wrong preferring OPs DS over her DD and treating them different, but I dont see anything creepy about it? And since her DH will have access to his children when they separate Im afraid the OP wont be able to stop his Mum seeing them.

DH will not support me, whenever I stand up to this old cow he won’t support me and tells me I can’t stop her seeing her grandchildren

I dread to think how your poor DD will be treated after you’ve separated from your DH and he will take them to visit his mother on the days when he has them 😢

When he got that text about things she had bought for ds, what did he do? Did he text back "what about dd?"

He of course didn't confront his mother about it, he just said to me that it was weird his mum only mentioned DS's name. The thing is she did buy something for DD aswell, but she just didn't mention her. Why can't she just say " I bought the kids such and such" why say " I bought DS this and that". I just wish I was married to a man who had the balls to confront his mother when she crosses the line, but no of course he doesn't want to upset his dear mother!

Me personally, i'd cut her out. She doesn't get invited to your house, if she shows up at the door, you don't let her in. Your children don't visit her, and any presents she buys for DS aren't passed on to him if she hasn't also bought something EQUAL for DD.

This could damage both of your children so badly. Your daughter will feel like shes not good enough, and may become jealous and resentful of her brother. Your son might end up thinking he's better/more important etc than your daughter and start treating her unfairly, as well as other females in his life if he develops a sense of superiority over girls. (Although im sure you will bring him up to respect them, the message he gets from MIL would be confusing)

I have some form of experience with being the unfavoured sibling, it didnt start til i was an adult but it still really hurts. My mums family started treating me and my sister very differently after my mum died (i was 20 sister 23). We both have the same serious mental health condition, but she's been able to make progress with very specialised treatment that i haven't been also able to access. As such she's been able to achieve things like getting a university degree that she's just graduated with, and while they all happily keep in touch with her, tell her how proud they are, how much they love her etc, i don't even get an occasional "hello" text.
I ended up going NC with them as it was less painful to know they were 100% out of my life than sitting waiting for them to throw me a bone occasionally. I only originally wanted to cut 1 out but they all ganged up on me with nasty swearing texts and voicemails spitting venom in their tone, to the point i had to change my number. They happily act like i dont exist while my sister gets all sorts of personalised cards for all sorts of occasions, and birthday/christmas presents and money gifts while i get my name spelled wrong in the generic, mass sent out to acquaintances christmas card thats addressed only to my dad.
She's mortified by it, my dad is angry at it, and i just feel like the family black sheep who isn't good enough for anyone.

She wouldn't be seeing my children ever again. Ever.

And if my DH didn't support me in this, he would be gone, too.

he wouldn't be seeing my children ever again. Ever. if my DH didn't support me in this, he would be gone, too

Well if you left your dh over it, he could bring his children to see his mother any time he liked,a nd you couldn't do anything about it.