MIL preference is killing me

[Gingerbreadlattes]

MIL prefers DS over DD, it’s no secret that she gets on with men better than women and likes boys over girls. Hence why I’ve never really had a relationship with her, nor does her daughters and other granddaughters. She puts no effort in having relationships with her children and grandchildren. She believes the sun shines out of my DHs arse, her only son. She adores my DS, and mainly ignores my DD. It’s soul destroying to see my little girl sat there in the corner and watch her brother get all the attention from MIL.

Heres some of the things she does.

1.	Sometimes when she comes to the house and DD is standing at the door she will walk past DD to go find DS
2.	Will sit on the sofa with DS, arms around him and ask him what toys he want on Argos website while DD is sat on the other side of the sofa and just staring at them.
3.	I’ve caught her many times kiss DH and DS goodbye, and turn her back to DD even though both DC are standing next to each other. She will literally sometimes call DS over for a kiss while she’s next to the front door, and not DD. 
4.	Went on holiday and sent a text to DH about the things she bought for DS, no mention of DD. 

I get that you can’t help who you love most, but does it have to be so obvious? It’s gone to the point now where 9 out of 10 times when MIL comes round, DD doesn’t want to be around her and just follows me around the house. She hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be around her, but when I ask her to go sit down in the living room with MIL and DS, she says no I don’t want to.

Please tell me this is not normal and I’m not overreacting?

My DC are 4 and 5.

You've got examples - now get dates because when you or your DH challenge her she will no doubt say 'when?' So have rock solid can't be argued against times and dates when she has behaved appallingly and then cut her out.

Horrible woman x

No, it's not normal but I can understand how a situation like this can gradually creep up on you and before you realise it, you're in the middle of a toxic mess.

Now that you've identified what's going on and that it's not acceptable, you and your dh need to speak and agree some boundaries and a way forward. He needs to explain to his mother that this isn't acceptable and that you won't permit either of your children to be exposed to this. It's damaging to both children involved and damaging to their sibling relationship, which is more important than that with their grandparents tbh.

Then go from there. You can't change her behaviour, but you can make your own decisions about what if anything you'll expose your children to. The ball is in her court to behave decently, not in you and your family's to put up with her crap.

Your DH needs to have a word with his mum. Her behaviour is disgraceful. DH should not be accepting her hugs and kisses. DH should also have a word with DS and DD to explain why this is wrong.

Stop letting her ostracise your dd.
She is making her feel unwanted in her own home!
Why are you and dp not telling this woman never to come back and your childeren are both equally important. What its doing to yiur dds self confidence and self esteem is anyone's guess.
Protect both your kids from this crazy woman. Tell her to sod off with her ott smothering of your ds which isnt healthy either btw (he is gonna grow up thinking he is better than his sister and entitled to be spoilt and she doesnt matter) and ignoring your dd.

She wouldnt get through the door after the first time in my house.

That’s awful. I agree with all the other posters. No way would she be coming round and totally ignore my DD. This is not normal behaviour and although I can’t imagine loving one grandchild more than another, if she feels like that she should have the gumption to not show her feelings in front of your DC. Just so nasty and hurtful.

You need to make it clear that she treats them fairly or she won't see either. I fear it may be too late now though. The damage is done.

You need to point out that she will need to work extra hard to get dd back on board now or she'll be using dds lack of interest in her now, as an excuse for yet more preferential treatment. She will fail to see that she caused the lack of interest in the first place.

The problem is, you’ve let it go on for 4 years, it’s going to look a bit odd now to turn around and say something but you need to. Yours and your DHs job is to protect your children. Sort it out.

I am deeply suspicious of women who say they don’t like other women. It happens so much as if it’s a totally acceptable thing to say; “oh I don’t like being friends with women, they’re so bitchy” - irony klaxon!

Your mil sounds revolting. I probably would go minimal contact. I don’t think I’d be able to take this sort of shit.

I grew up with a grandma EXACTLY like this, she hates all thr girls in our family and always treated my brother and me when different (would buy my brother an expensive present and me a token gift etc.)

It used to irk me slightly as a child but its just become an in jole in our family now and it didnt affect me at all growing up, i just saw her for what she was. I wouldnt worry too much OP is my point anyway 🙂

You simply can it allow this to continue - both your children in different ways are being damaged enormously by this

It = not sorry

Hey op. Maybe you feel it hard as she's your mil and maybe you don't feel able to say anything. What does your dh say? Or is he as the golden child unable to see anything?

But I have to agree with everyone else. It's your job as a parent to protect your DC. Your poor poor dd. It's heartbreaking.

There is no way on earth anyone would be treating my children like this. She can't treat your daughter like a human being? She isn't welcome. Fuck that. You have to pull your big girl pants on.

Sorry to say this, but she wouldn’t be allowed to see my dc .
It would hurt me to see my child go through this

Why are you letting this happen to your own DD?!!

Tell her to GTF

If you don't stand up for your own child, who will?

I went through this to some degree. My nan doted on my brother and also my older sister (who was the golden child - brilliant at school, talented, funny, pretty and so on).
I am just 18 months younger than my brother. Nan told me (when I was old enough to understand) that I was a mistake. Not planned, not expected, not wanted.
She died over 40 years ago, but I still remember this. Almost daily. I'm in my 60's now.
.Please don't allow this. It hurts

take your dd away from it.take her out.tell her some people aren't treated fairly but its NOT HER FAULT.shes DONE NOTHING WRONG.why people do thing to their familys sometimes cant be explained but shes a special person just as special as ds.you love her just the same.

I cant believe ive found someone else this happens to.i was listening to it on the radio too. mothers being naricisist. when the daughters get their own minds and cant be controlled.when the men are the golden boys.can do no wrong.when treats the women wongly especially when they reach the age where they find their own opinions and minds where boys are more likely to let things go and just wing it girls fight back.and the presenters on it said it about control.its about jealousy.
the poror laies in your family.but they have stepped away.would it be better for you to do so.how supportive and knowing of all this is your dp.
especially if she has continued to do this unchallenged or changed with other woman in your family then looks like this will just have to be how you manage it rather than her see the error in whats she doing.so you have to make yourselves happy and play to this the safest way to protect you little girl.
ive seen and heard it has destroyed other woman and knocked them.even years later they suddenly think bout it and how ruined they felt from that kind of relationship.so id act now to protect the kids.
get support.keep talking to dd keep that channel open.she must be so confused as to why thi is happening.at that age I can aimgine shed blame herself too.
its obviously a pattern in your family.

I would arrange for DS to be at a friend’s house next time she is due to visit and see how she does

I think this is a good idea...but I also think you should speak to your mil about it and get it stopped.

No. Don't play games with her. It ups the anty.

No OP?

Is OP coming back i wonder?

No one would make one of my kids feel shit more than once. It's quite simple; don't take them round any more and if and when she asks tell her why.

Where's the dad in all this?

We had this with my MIL. She has three sons, the first 6 of her grandchildren were boys, then one after the other three girls were born into the family, one to each of the sons. MIL was awful with them. Her boys (my DH and 2 BILs) had a conflab about this and confronted her, very gently, on it and she sorted her shit out. I honestly don't think she was aware of what she was doing. We did this when the girls were about 3 and she is much much better and dotes on the girls as much as the boys now. You have to have the conversation before it goes any further.

And yes, definitely arrange for her to have one-on-one with your daughter.

Don't play games. She needs to be told, very clearly and simply, that she treats the children equally, or she doesn't see either of them again.

That's it. No excuses, no apologies, no explanation. The ball is then in her court. If she then ignores your daughter again, she leaves the house instantly.

It may be hard, but it would be unforgivable to let this continue.

This is not normal and as a grandmother my heart breaks for your poor little DD. I cannot understand how anyone can play favourites with their grandchildren. Just think how damaging that must be not only for the non favourite one and the favoured one. It also tends to perpetuate this sort of behaviour so your DS will get the idea that this is ok. I am aghast your DH has not put a stop to it unless he is so far up his own backside from being the favoured one in his family he is quite happy for his DS to be the same. What does that say to your DD when her own Dad allows his mum to act that way around them both.

I think you need a conversation with your MIL saying unless she treats them both the same she will not be seeing them.

Protect your daughter and do not allow that vile woman near any of your children. I'm frustrated with you and your husband, why would you let your daughter go through this, feeling not good enough and unloved by grandmother because she doesnt have the favoured genitalia. Fuck mil' s feelings put your kids first,. Your son will not come out of this unscathed either.

We have had to put up with some of ghastly behaviour but there is no way I would allow anyone to sit and ask one dc what they want whilst ignoring the other one!

You absolutely need to step up here and demand equal treatment or that's it no contact. You will destroy your dd self esteem, your the adult you need to stand up to her as does your dh.