MIL preference is killing me

[Gingerbreadlattes]

MIL prefers DS over DD, it’s no secret that she gets on with men better than women and likes boys over girls. Hence why I’ve never really had a relationship with her, nor does her daughters and other granddaughters. She puts no effort in having relationships with her children and grandchildren. She believes the sun shines out of my DHs arse, her only son. She adores my DS, and mainly ignores my DD. It’s soul destroying to see my little girl sat there in the corner and watch her brother get all the attention from MIL.

Heres some of the things she does.

1.	Sometimes when she comes to the house and DD is standing at the door she will walk past DD to go find DS
2.	Will sit on the sofa with DS, arms around him and ask him what toys he want on Argos website while DD is sat on the other side of the sofa and just staring at them.
3.	I’ve caught her many times kiss DH and DS goodbye, and turn her back to DD even though both DC are standing next to each other. She will literally sometimes call DS over for a kiss while she’s next to the front door, and not DD. 
4.	Went on holiday and sent a text to DH about the things she bought for DS, no mention of DD. 

I get that you can’t help who you love most, but does it have to be so obvious? It’s gone to the point now where 9 out of 10 times when MIL comes round, DD doesn’t want to be around her and just follows me around the house. She hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be around her, but when I ask her to go sit down in the living room with MIL and DS, she says no I don’t want to.

Please tell me this is not normal and I’m not overreacting?

My DC are 4 and 5.

When I had my first dd, she was the apple of pil's eye. She was very cute and pliable. However when I had dd2 who had some problems, they did not want to know - did not acknowledge her birth with a card or even a small gift. Nothing. Not about the money, just the thought.

My dh mentioned it to his dm and she responded by buying dd a cheap cardi off a market stall and sending £1 in coppers and coins for an easter egg. Just letting us know there then.

There was a family fall out a few months later and she would ring dh and ask to see dd1 but not dd2. We decided that the girls came as a set and you simply did not get one without the other and that was an end to that.

You have to sort this one out op or rather your dh does. Your poor dd must be bewildered by this awful woman's actions and she is being cruel. You wouldn't let anyone else treat her like this. Put your foot down now even if it means a family fall out. The only loser here will be her. She is buying your ds's affections and I do hope your dh supports you.

'SS won't be the slightest bit interested in this.'

So you would disagree that the daughter is at risk of emotional harm with continued regular exposure to this woman?

Even if social services can't or will not act, they can certainly signpost the OP to an appropriate advocate for her children's interests.

Oh sorry op. Just seen your update. It sounds a really awful situation

How far along the leaving process are you? Just wondered if you have legal advice. I would bring all of this up. They will hopefully know what's best to do.

I'm glad you're leaving this man child.

That is extremely cruel,vicious even.
Has your dh spoken to her op?(apologies not yet read the whole stream,was so annoyed I just replied immediately,sorry)
Be very difficult to go completely nc but no way would I sit back and allow that to happen.I would go and see her alone and make sure she was told,pay equal attention to both of you don't see either.
How hurtful for your dd and you.
I hope you sort her out soon op

Sorry, just seen that there is not much likelihood of dh supporting you here as you are separating. I think that you may have a problem getting your dd to attend contact with mil involved. My gs1 hates going to his paternal gp's and has told us that as soon as he is old enough, he never wants to see them again. This is their own making.

Clearly your dd will want to see her dad but he needs to realise that problems will arise should the situation continue.

My gran favoured me over my sister. It was horrendous for my sister and less obviously horrendous for me (people tend to forget that it's not necessarily an easy ride for the favoured child, I had massive issues with guilt and was constantly trying to make it up to my sister).

You need to stop it now if at all possible.

I knew two brothers when I was growing up, the elder one was his grandmother's favourite. She adored him and ignored his little brother. It was horrible to watch. Fast forward to the boys as adults - the younger one is a very successful chef and the older one became a junkie. I don't expect it's all down to the way their dgm treated them (obviously there's all sorts of reasons why people make bad choices) but I don't expect it helped.

I would stop all contact until and unless she can treat them equally.

My own grandmother apparently (she died before I was born) preferred my dad to my aunt. Aunt still bitter about it, and refused to have more than one child herself to prevent history repeating.

Men/boys are overly favoured in my family too. No cultural reason, just in that they can do no wrong.

It's coming from MIL to DH and DS, and My grandmothers were both the same. My parents too with my DB but to a lesser degree. It hurts massively, and even as I'm approaching 40 I still remember the unfairness of it all. MIL does try hard not to show it with my DDs though, and FIL absolutely adores them all.

Please protect your DD, If your DH won't then you are her only advocate. It's a bloody awful way to live and she will resent them in the end.

My dad was like this, he kept saying my dd was his favourite (over my ds) and seemed to think it was normal. He said my brother had been his mums favourite (this actually broke my heart because I thought my gran to be fair and lovely be us all equally!)
I told him in no uncertain terms that it was disgraceful behaviour and if he wanted to see them he had to treat them exactly the same and fairly and there were to be no favourites. How is that even a thing when kids are all so different.

My husbands family clearly favour my son over my daughter, I have stopped contact with them for this reason, it has helped to repair the relationship between my kids and also has stopped my son acting poorly towards women after he has been in the in laws company.

Its hard to believe such behaviour can exist in 2018 but in some families equality means nothing.

I would expect dh to read his mother the riot act and if it continued stop all contact between her and both children. No visits, no presents, no cards, nothing and tell her why.

I've seen it with dh and his siblings (all boys, but one was a golden child in the same way). This will affect your dd's self esteem for the rest of her life. You need to put a stop to it immediately and have zero tolerance of it happening again.

It's not normal but it does happen. My mother was/ is like this with me and my brother. To some extent it is replicated with the grandchildren, but I just have a DS so the fact that he is my son not my brother's is not so obvious and he is of course a boy himself. I tell myself it is her loss as she will never have a good relationship with my wonderful son.
It is however poisonous for your daughter. And it could well haunt her into adulthood (I am 51. It still hurts but I live with it). So I am afraid you need to take some action. Call her out, get DH on board or perhaps get some professional advice - family counsellors? I don't really know what to do but don't live with it. It's a bad message for your son too of course and wrecks the family dynamic. Be strong and good luck

I'm sorry about the separation These women who cling on to their sons and won't let them grow up because they can't face up to their mother role changing are doing their sons no favours, it's not a loving act at all. She's lost him his marriage and daily contact with his children.

If you're going to be separated then unfortunately you won't be able to do anything about the behaviour of either adult in the situation. The adults are busy with their own dysfunction and will use the children to act it out. What you can do, and really it's the more important thing to do anyway, is proof the children against the behaviour. The fact that you have dd already confident enough to just walk away and refuse when she doesn't like how she's being treated is something to be proud of. Talk to the children casually but a lot (out of context of grandma and daddy, just when you run across it in tv programmes and stories) about fairness, about how characters react and respond to someone being unfair or being left out, and talk about which are the stronger, better responses. Work on your children having a good relationship, being interested in the feelings and needs of each other and doing things together. Play games with them where you casually hand one child a dish of something nice and the other child an empty bowl, or all the pieces to one child and only one to another, notice their reactions and encourage and praise their sorting it out to be fairer. What you really need is for the children to notice for themselves and to have the vocabulary and the concepts and the confidence so they will say straight out to adults when something isn't fair, when someone might feel left out or hurt, when they don't want to do something that's unkind. You can also draw their attention in stories and tv programmes and what you see when you're out and about together about adults saying things that are silly or untrue or wrong. Help them to understand that just because someone is a grown up they don't always have it right. That will protect them in the long run. It will also make it much harder for ex and MiL to pull this stuff if the children aren't going to put up with it.

The thing is once you are seperated you have no control over whether your Exh takes them both to see her.
I would no longer have anything at all to do with her, I wouldn't allow her in my home or have access to the children when they are not with Ex. What your Ex does is up to him. I would keep talking to Dd telling her how Grandma is favouring Ds, she has done nothing wrong, MIL is the wrong one. Do you still have contact with the SIL's I'd make sure they know Dd is having a hard time, maybe they can help you with making Dd understand it isn't her.

No cultural reason here aswell, MIL is English and Irish. So are DH and I, this is just her being a vile cow. I used to think she treated DD because of me, I hate the woman and the feeling is mutual, she has always said DD is like me and we are very alike. She's like this towards all the females in her life, even her other granddaughter who's 9. She used to come visit us and play with my DC, she complained to SIL how MIL favours DS over her. So it's not just my DD, she is like this towards her other granddaughter aswell.

Just to add on reflection: I'd think about whether you let MiL/ex have ds alone and dd stays with you. It gets dd out of the situation but it also lets MiL crack on with grooming ds to be another manchild and feel he's better/more wanted than his sister, while also landing ds with all the guilt around that. It isn't necessarily a less harmful option.

Just echoing others - what does your DH say about this?

IL favour the granddaughters though more subtle than described here. My own parents massively favour DN nothing I say changes that and we deal mainly by having limited contact.

I got told to go NC on here but that would have just meant I wasn’t there to intercede as DH would still have taken them to see them. DH eventually does see after downplaying and minimising and he has spoken up on occasions. It’s usually me finding polite way to say oi -

I prefer visits here as children can escape to their own spaces and doing days out and so DS can stick to us more - which at its height a few years ago he would do. Also have to stop FIL winding DS up – which is always easier with DH there so actively try and avoid going out on occasions DH isn’t around as at least in house DS can escape to room.

On visits to IL he be buries himself in quiet corner with reading or one of his sisters finds him to play. He says he’s happy but he keeps his head down and I think he remembers FIL constantly finding fault few years ago.

Ironically three out of four of my children’s GP are the scapegoat child with their one sibling being the golden child – and neither me or DH were favoured GC which upset our parents so you’d think there be some insight.

I can only suggest backing her if she doesn’t want to go and sending her with book, ipads or kindles something she can get absorbed with.

Your husband needs to sort this matter out head on with his mother NOW and, while he's at it, he could also tell her that her behaviour to his sisters and their female children is also disgraceful.

Oh yes my mils voice when we asked her to guess the sex.. 'oh a little boy' all gooey and soppy..

Op your dd won't have a bloody chance without you there. your dh doesn't give a shit about her, he doesn't have a the emotional intelligence to understand.
She will be ignored and gas lighted and jollies along.

This is completely toxic. Please don't underestimate the damage this behaviour can do to your family. Her behaviour is long standing and I am not confident you will achieve anything from trying to get her to her to change. Your children will be much better off for not having this woman in their lives. I hope that you have the support from your husband if this is what you choose to do.

My MIL has the same problem with her MIL, who acknowledges only two eldest sons (my DH and his brother) out of 5 grandchildren! the younger ones never got any presents from her ever, not even some sweets. She even told my MIL that she should get her tubes tied as two kids are enough As a result everyone hates her. She still sends my DH and me presents for Christmas and Easter while ignoring the rest of my BILs and SILs. Now she is old and not feeling that well so my FIL wants her to move in with the family.. I think you should just stop this asap! And your DH should help and be fully on your side

Is it possible to threaten DH that when you are sorting out custody, you will make sure it's drawn up so that she is not allowed visitation/to be present when he has them? Not sure if this is a thing, but hopefully it is and the threat of it will be enough for him to pull his finger out and sort this cunty behaviour out. Until you are legally separated I suggest you tell her she isn't welcome in your home unless she changes her ways.

Yes, it's horrible. My dad's mum was the same, didn't like girls and thought the sun shone out of my elder bro's arse. Piles of expensive quality presents for him, lots for my little bro, and maybe some piece of plastic tat for me in the paper bag the shop-keeper put it in.

My brothers would go and spend the summer with her in her massive flat overlooking the harbour and beach in St Ives. I was once taken too, but by my parents - the 3 of us stayed in a bnb down the road while my brothers stayed in her flat. It was a lonely holiday. She fed my brothers but not me, so my oarents and I would have sandwiches on the beach while my brothers went in for lunch with her. I ate breakfast and dinner with my parents at the hotel. The evening were worst as I knew my bros would be playong games, sharing a room at hers, and here I was.....

To be honest, other than that one holiday, I don't remember minding that much. I certainly didn't care about the lack of presents though I think that was mainly because my elder brother would share everything out, so I always got a few of his at Christmas.

I understood that granny didn't like girls. She didn't like my mum either, or my other grandmother who lived with us. Mostly, I didn't think of her, except when my brothers were away, but my parents did try to make sure I went to stay with other relatives so I wasn't left to hang about the house all summer alone.

I think it would have been harder for my parents to distract me from the difference if my grab had lived near us and we saw more of her. I only remember her staying with us twice. I decided not to worry about her dislike of me and to treat her like I did any other visiting relative. My brothers were also helpful in lessening the differential. They would always include me and not let her leave me out.

You are going to have to work hard to try to compensate your dd for her gran's indifference to her, especially as she seems so determined to ignore her; having her visit, and visiting her will make your dd more aware. If you can cut down contact it will help.

You have to come down like a tonne of bricks on this nasty woman. She is scarring your daughter for life. Either she learns to develop a relationship with BOTH your children or she doesn't see either of them.

One other thing to consider is that this preferential treatment of your son will drive a wedge between her and her brother. Sometimes these things never leave you. My parents preferred my older sister to me and this has damaged our relationship. There is always a distance between us. We are now 37 and 43. Some things never leave you.