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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to message my STBXH’s mistress?

108 replies

JackyBT · 10/04/2018 07:24

I know it’s a childish thing to do, but I dearly want to send a message to the woman my husband has just owned up to shagging to tell her how much hurt and pain this is causing. I want her to know that I have held onto my DC whilst they cried and were physically sick at the news my husband gave them. They are 18/17/12. We are going to lose our home, have to move to a less desirable area for his one night of passion. It his request btw that we end the 20 year marriage he doesn’t want seek help and advice. I know I won’t send a message, but I badly want her to know this.

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 10/04/2018 07:26

Well, if you do, it will massively inflate her ego that your DH gave up all that for one night with her.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2018 07:26

Your gripe is with your husband. He wasn’t tempted to stray he made a decision.

Is there anything practical we can help with?

Sarsparella · 10/04/2018 07:28

Your anger should be directed at your soon to be ex H - he’s the one who’s betrayed you all, and he’s more at fault than a stranger you’ve never met

Dozer · 10/04/2018 07:29

Sorry you’re going through this. You may not, at this time, have “full disclosure” from him about the affair.

Not a great idea to message her. Would be better to focus on your health and wellbeing, the DC, and practicalities, eg legal advice (including on your housing options), gathering financial evidence and so on.

It is primarily your H’s responsibility as he was the married one. OW’s actions obviously very wrong too, but little to be gained from contacting her.

SilverHairedCat · 10/04/2018 07:29

Unreasonable, yes. But understandable that you'd want to.

I'm sorry your STBXH is an utter bastard, but frankly she's not the one at fault here. He is. She's not a home wrecker. He is. She may not be remotely invested in him or his life, but he is. This entirely his fault. Direct your anger at him, he deserves it.

feathermucker · 10/04/2018 07:29

Unless she's a close friend who has directly betrayed you, she isn't the one at fault here. If she knew he was married, then questionable morals, but he is the one deserving of your anger.

Hope it all works out for you OP

DeathStare · 10/04/2018 07:30

He ended the marriage not her. It's him you need to focus on. And you also need to think about how you handle this with your children. I don't mean to be hurtful but (unless there is a big dripfeed coming) it's you he is leaving - not them, and they sound incredibly distressed for young people of those ages. If anything I think you need to focus your energies on them to help them through this.

seastargirl · 10/04/2018 07:30

Personally I'd write the message a thousand times over, but not actually send it. Getting it out of your system will help in some way, but in years to come you may cringe at the fact you did it. So sorry to hear what you and your children are going through, but of my relationship with my parents is anything to go by, you're the one who will have a brilliant relationship with your children moving forwards and they will never have quite the same with their father. Do what you need to do to make you feel better and look after yourself, you can do this!

I'm sure someone with something more useful to say will be along along soon.

Dozer · 10/04/2018 07:31

Suggest reading resources on here.

He has made the decision to end your marriage - ask him to leave and seek legal advice etc asap. Don’t play the “pick me” dance.

Angrybird123 · 10/04/2018 07:32

Please don't. You say it was a one night thing. Does she even know he was married with kids? For what it's worth I am not one of the many on MN who think the ow doesnt owe the betrayed spouse anything - if they know he is married then they have done an awful thing and you are entitled to loathe her as much as you like - it doesn't lessen your DH's responsibility by doing so. However, if it was one night and she is out of your life then I wouldn't send it. Write it as a catharsis but don't send it. I feel for you, I've been there..but I knew the ow and she'd met me and my kids so I did tell her exactly what I thought and dont regret it. This will be a tough time but there are some great people / experience on here that will help you x

MrsJayy · 10/04/2018 07:32

Well your anger is directed at the wrong person she either wouldn't care or gloat how is that going to help you and your children who didn't need to hear their dad had sex with somebody else your husband iscruel selfish and you are well shot of him he is even throwing you out of your house.

NewYearNewMe18 · 10/04/2018 07:34

There's more wrong in your marriage than one night if he's willing to walk away over that.

LakieLady · 10/04/2018 07:34

He's the one that needs to get a message, tbh.

It must have been a terrible shock for you, and I'm sure you're devastated. To see your children hurting like that must have been beyond awful.

Is there no way you can stay in your current home until your youngest has finished his education? I thought that was the general principle when this happens, and it would reduce the impact on the children.

Harness your anger and hurt to help make sure you get the best possible settlement you can, and definitely go after his pension.

Flowers And Gin

swingofthings · 10/04/2018 07:35

Totally pointless because your exH will have told her a sob story about how horrible you were, how it was all your fault that he cheated, after all, he has to reassure her that he is unlikely to do the same with her because she is so different to you. She will be convinced that you are a terrible person and that you deserve all what is happening to you, so anything you tell her will not yield any guilt.

Even if it does, at least in relation to the kids, she will counteract with reasons why it is for the best. You only feel bad if you allow yourself to do so. Denial is a powerful emotions. Writing to her will not achieve what you are hoping for and the reason for doing it.

Original poster
JackyBT · 10/04/2018 07:35

He is angry with me I think for confronting him. Whatever I say, he comes back with’these things happen when you are not happy at home’

OP posts:
hesterton · 10/04/2018 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2018 07:38

’these things happen when you are not happy at home’

No they don’t. These things happen when someone chooses to express their dissatisfaction in their marriage physically with someone else.

It is a conscious choice. He’s angry because you caught him out. Well done on confronting him.

Original poster
JackyBT · 10/04/2018 07:40

She is btw married herself

OP posts:
WhiteCoyote · 10/04/2018 07:43

I know exactly how you feel op. When it happened to me I had very vivid fantasies about all the horrible things I wanted to happen to her, envisioned her being murdered etc. It’s completely misdirected anger because it’s easier to channel it all into someone you don’t know and can make up a story about in your head, than to be angry at the person who’s supposed to be close to you.
Write it all down in a letter but never send it.

It will get better, I promise. I could pass the OW in the street now and not feel anything. If anything she did me a favour. You don’t see that at the time though.

WhiteCoyote · 10/04/2018 07:43

Oh and ignore the “wasn’t happy at home” bullshit it’s just a way of trying to appoint some of the blame onto you.

Prettylovely · 10/04/2018 07:44

Do what ever makes you feel better. If its contacting her do it.
Does her husband know?

flumpybear · 10/04/2018 07:44

Bollocks I'd just tell her husband and be done with them both

Kissthealderman · 10/04/2018 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 10/04/2018 07:47

I have to admit that in your shoes I would definitely tell her H.

Your H is making it clear he wishes to end the relationship - accept this, and act accordingly, but don’t listen to his “cheater’s script”.

Blackbirdblue30 · 10/04/2018 07:48

Unless she's gloating in your hurt, your problem is with your husband. He's the one who's cheated on you. She is interchangeable.