Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to message my STBXH’s mistress?

108 replies

JackyBT · 10/04/2018 07:24

I know it’s a childish thing to do, but I dearly want to send a message to the woman my husband has just owned up to shagging to tell her how much hurt and pain this is causing. I want her to know that I have held onto my DC whilst they cried and were physically sick at the news my husband gave them. They are 18/17/12. We are going to lose our home, have to move to a less desirable area for his one night of passion. It his request btw that we end the 20 year marriage he doesn’t want seek help and advice. I know I won’t send a message, but I badly want her to know this.

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/04/2018 08:45

She's not to blame, he is. There must be issues with the marriage if he is happy to walk away

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 08:48

Mmm. Good idea writing to her H. I know it's petty, spiteful, unproductive but what does she expect. Sorry for your agony. Aim to be a stellar single mum once all the shits settled.

Gottagetmoving · 10/04/2018 08:50

There is nothing really to gain by contacting her. She is irrelevant in this and could be anyone. Her having an affair with your husband isn't to personally hurt you. It just happens to be your husband she's involved with.
She isn't going to dump him because you are hurt and even if she did, it doesn't solve your marriage issues.
You are hurt, yes, but you need to concentrate on yourself and your children and your future.

AppleCocoon · 10/04/2018 08:54

What @TheVanguardSix said.

BrashCandicoot · 10/04/2018 08:54

Good idea writing to her H.

No. Terrible idea writing to her H. Writing to anyone except the OP's stbxh is a terrible idea. He is the only person responsible for the OP's feelings, and people aren't exactly great at remembering to not shoot the messenger (i.e. the OP/letter writer) in these situations.

BuffyBee · 10/04/2018 09:03

I can't think of anything better to say than TheVanguardSix.
I agree with all that she says!
Follow her advise OP.

Original poster
JackyBT · 10/04/2018 09:06

Thank you lovely people. There is a lot to unpick in this situation. I would not tell her OH I don’t want to spread the pain. He isn’t leaving me for her, she lives 80 miles away from his job. He has just been a monumental DH. I am going to seek legal advice to get a clearer picture of my future. thank you all for your feedback.

OP posts:
silvernutgoldenpear · 10/04/2018 09:10

I don't understand why MN is so anti contracting the OW.

Yes the H is to blame but if the OW knew then she is too.

Why shouldn't she know what pain she and the H have both caused?

silvernutgoldenpear · 10/04/2018 09:11

*contacting!!! Not contracting. Stupid phone Sad

Gottagetmoving · 10/04/2018 09:15

Why shouldn't she know what pain she and the H have both caused?

Because it won't do any good and she probably won't be bothered. When your partner cheats your issue is with him and not with whoever he cheated with. The other person is irrelevant unless they are someone who knows you personally.

Goldilocks3Bears · 10/04/2018 09:21

@JackyBT download the book Runaway Husbands. It's a bit american but if you read it you will see him in a different life. This is not your fault. F*ck him.

HelpTheTigers · 10/04/2018 09:22

I've been there too OP. Flowers It's seriously shit. It's not childish though, it is completely understandable. I used to fantasise about a thousand different revenges and if I was to be truthful, although she did me a favour in the long term, she divorced my exH and I have a very decent DP who is worth a million of my ex, I wouldn't be upset if she was subjected to one of my revenge endings!
I did something similar to writing to the OW but our my circumstances were very different and I did manage to undermine an aspect of their new relationship. Ultimately however, nothing that I did or could have done would have made any material difference and if I had sent her a letter, I doubt that she would have read it.
I have a colleague who was the OW and she had no conscience about crapping on another woman. Instead, she looked for anything to be nasty about the woman who was in despair and terrified of facing life without her H. No way would she have read your letter.
Ignore his pathetic attempts to deflect the blame onto you. He is rubbing your nose in the mire that he has chosen for his family.
Write to her DH if you want to. I didn't have that option as the OW in my case was divorced.
Are you sure that it was only a one-off? My ExH swore blind that it was still at a platonic stage but later I found that they had been shagging in my bed. Stylish!
You will get through this OP and your children will help. Even having to support your children through this horrible time will help you as your focus will be on them and slightly less on STBXH and OW.
Flowers

Alittlesandwich · 10/04/2018 09:26

I would advise against contacting her or her husband.

You do not know what you are meddling in.

He could be a violent abuser . She may have sought solace as an escape. You have NO idea what he may do . Please do not place her in a potentially violent and dangerous position as an act of revenge.

Many years ago, someone told my DH's EXW from whom he had been divorced for several years , that he was seeing me. We knew her to be vengeful and abusive.
She attacked me and I was hospitalised.

ShiftyMcGifty · 10/04/2018 09:30

TheVanguardSix, you’re seriously projecting to jump to those conclusions. She’s married, so where did you get the idea she’s going to set up home with OP’s husband after a one night stand?

Sparklesocks · 10/04/2018 09:56

So sorry OP, I can feel the pain in your posts and know it’s all very raw at the moment. Thinking of you and your DC at this nasty time.
Messaging the OW might bring catharsis in that moment, but as PP have said it doesn’t change the situation and it doesn’t take back what happened. You should be channeling your energy into your DC and getting the best possible settlement.
And remember this isn’t your fault, him having a wandering eye and acting on his desires is very much his problem, if it hadn’t been her it probably would’ve been someone else. It will be tough for the immediate future, but please remember this too shall pass, and you’ll be happy and well again soon xx

Myheartbelongsto · 10/04/2018 10:02

Don't send it op, when the dust settles you'll kick yourself.

Ignore all this nonsense that she wasn't to blame also. If she knew he was married then she is also to blame.

People going around treating others like shit and not being held accountable because they didn't make a vow to you etc. Rubbish.

Emma198 · 10/04/2018 10:05

I'm going to tell you not to whilst knowing fine well that I definitely would. And her husband. X

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 11:15

Everybody's a loser in this situation OP, nobody's triumphed. I don't know if she wants your husband as an item but he will damaged goods when it does hit home. Very best 💐

Elendon · 10/04/2018 11:20

Contact her. If this cements in her mind that you are unreasonable and the 'hysterical' woman your ex has painted you out to be then so be it. Show her your ire. You have nothing to lose by doing this. She has 'won' the booby prize.

Take care and best wishes for the future. Flowers

greendale17 · 10/04/2018 11:23

I would contact her.

And then I would tell her husband.

Original poster
JackyBT · 10/04/2018 11:39

OMG some brilliant advice here and positive support as well as a little tough love. I have started to get perspective and have made contact with legal bods so hope to retain my dignity by not messaging either of them.

OP posts:
Emmasmum2013 · 10/04/2018 11:52

Honestly, saying that the other woman has done nothing to personally hurt you and therefore should be classed as irrelevant in the situation is ridiculous.

Imagine you have a self driving car and it just so happens to drive itself to someone's house. That person then decides to get in the car and have a go. Is that ok? No of course its not, because its your car and they should have more respect for you and society in general, regardless of what the car did. You can't just go around getting in other people's cars.. if you see what I mean...

Lay into her OP, she obviously (unwittingly or not) doesn't realise how immoral her actions are.

HoneyBadger32 · 10/04/2018 11:55

she didn't owe you fidelity, he did.

purplelass · 10/04/2018 11:56

Write it, print it, delete it and burn it.

Get it out of your system but don't send it. The stronger you pretend to be on the outside, the stronger you become on the inside.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a shitty time but you will come through this a stronger person. I know, I've been there...

Keep posting for support if you need to, we're here for you Flowers

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 12:00

I think it’s perfectly understandable tbh.

I’d 100% tell her other half, why should he be protected from her infidelity. I’m sure he’d rather know.