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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to message my STBXH’s mistress?

108 replies

JackyBT · 10/04/2018 07:24

I know it’s a childish thing to do, but I dearly want to send a message to the woman my husband has just owned up to shagging to tell her how much hurt and pain this is causing. I want her to know that I have held onto my DC whilst they cried and were physically sick at the news my husband gave them. They are 18/17/12. We are going to lose our home, have to move to a less desirable area for his one night of passion. It his request btw that we end the 20 year marriage he doesn’t want seek help and advice. I know I won’t send a message, but I badly want her to know this.

OP posts:

willynillypie · 10/04/2018 12:04

I don't see the point of messaging her because, as other people said, she might enjoy it and I think it demeans you a bit to do so. But i would 100% tell her husband! 1) He deserves to know and 2) FUCK HER!

Sorry that you're in this situation OP

BrashCandicoot · 10/04/2018 12:05

@Emmasmum2013

That's a useless example. The husband is fully autonomous, and is not the property of anyone. Much like the OW. It's a scummy thing to do, but the only person who owes the OP anything is the husband - he's the one that promised to be faithful to her. The OW is her husband's problem.

theredjellybean · 10/04/2018 12:10

OP... I am sorry your dealing with this. I was the ow once (deeply ashamed) and his wife did send me an email when she found out.
I did read it, and if I am honest (and I now feel differently) at the time it came accross as exceedingly pompous. She made all sorts of presumptions about me and my situation that made me just shrug and loose sympathy.
She made her then dh send it from his email, and when he stalled she told the dc that 'if daddy does not send it, it proves he doesn't love you'.
My dsds confirmed this yrs later and say they have never forgiven their mother for making them pawns.
I deeply regret many many things I have done so please don't flame me, but honestly from the receiving end of such a letter... It meant nothing to me and in fact made me feel less sorry at the time.

Emmasmum2013 · 10/04/2018 12:27

@BrashCandicoot yes I understand the differences between cars and husbands, it was a crude analogy. But the idea still stands.. the lack of respect from the OW needs calling out in my opinion. I think if your actions hurt others - directly or indirectly then you should be held accountable.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 13:07

I don't understand why MN is so anti contracting the OW.

Because, with the best will in the world and no minimising the pain and devastation being felt, there is nothing to say to her and nothing to gain. The only reason people do it is to try to guilt her. If she had felt that guilty she wouldn't have done it. What these wives want, totally understandably, is an apology and some evidence that the OW is suffering for what she's done. It never works out that way. She'll either ignore it or think the wife is loony and that the affair was justified.

In addition, the person who betrayed the marriage is the husband so there's no point trying to make someone else feel guilty over it. If you want to work on your marriage, leave the OW out of it in all respects.

People in general do not respond well to obvious attempts at guilt tripping, however justified. They will take it as evidence of the other person's failing, not theirs. If they've had an affair, they've already worked through any guilt they might have felt.

Guilt is also a bit of a pointless emotion most of the time anyway. Suppose you do convince the OW to hate herself and tear her hair, etc. Doesn't make any difference unless your HUSBAND is trying to make good. If he's not sorry, who cares if some random woman is castigating herself elsewhere?

GrumpyInsomniac · 10/04/2018 13:10

@emmasmum2013 no, she doesn't need calling out, and she doesn't owe OP any respect unless they knew each other prior to her relationship with OP's husband.

It would be lovely to think that we all acknowledge a sisterhood and therefore don't touch other women's spouses. Teh reality in this case is that the OW clearly didn't feel either her own marriage or OP's was an impediment to what they did. She doesn't need calling out: she knows what she has done and will have to deal with her own conscience.

It's so common to blame the OW, as if all these straying husbands would never have done so without some vile temptress luring them into bed, but it's always within the husband's gift to choose to remain faithful and work through any issues in his marriage before fucking anothet woman. Just. Say. No.

Maybe in cases where both parties to the marriage try to work through the infidelity and stay together, it becomes convenient to blame the OW to remove some of the guilt from the equation and allow them to move forward, but you'd have to be daft to blame it all on one external party, or think that trying to hold them to account is in any way reasonable or productive.

It's far more likely to make things even more unpleasant as OP tries to negotiate her separation and divorce, and if there is one thing she needs right now, it's her self-esteem intact, knowing she kept the moral high ground and didn't stoop to their level.

MrsMozart · 10/04/2018 13:16

Completely understand the desire to get in touch. To try and show the woman what anguish her part to play in it has caused. But as others have said, it's probably best that you focus on how to get him out of your life.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 13:18

If your husband hits on dozens of women and would sleep with any of them if only they'd let him, your marriage is still in trouble. Making others responsible for your marriage isn't the way.

Bluelonerose · 10/04/2018 13:23

Oh op I've been there. Funnily enough I was never bothered about the other woman. She knew he was married but didn't give a shit.
Long story short the police had to get involved where she learnt that he was the violent one with a record as long as his arm as oppose to him telling her I used to abuse him

What I'm saying is IF the ow knew about you she will of been told about how horrible you are etc so contacting her will just make you dh lies more believable.
Get legal advice and move on with your life. Good luck xxx

Appuskidu · 10/04/2018 13:23

I can imagine how you feel and would probably hate her too. But she didn’t swear to be faithful to you-she owes you nothing he’s the one you should be mad at.

I would probably write it (because it would make me feel better) but I wouldn’t send it. I would imagine she’ll laugh at it with him and show all her mates.

Emmasmum2013 · 10/04/2018 13:25

she doesn't owe OP any respect unless they knew each other prior to her relationship with OP's husband.

IMO, respect should not be 'owed'. Its something that should be given regardless in society. If you do something to lose respect, then that's another matter. But to feel like you need to 'earn' a stranger's respect in order to be treated fairly from the off is ridiculous. And its not about some mythical sisterhood. Its about generally trying to be a good person?

I'm in no way assuaging the actions of the husband. He'd get both barrels and more. But its my opinion that if you want to tell the OW how much of a nasty thing it is she's done then go for it. It might make her think twice in the future if she's been faced with the actual consequences of her actions. It might not, but you never know.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/04/2018 13:29

Yes get legal advice.

You may not have to leave with a child of 12 in the picture - box clever and it should be him feeling far more financial pain than you.

Be strong - you're better off without the prick - you can be sure of that from his comments. Not happy at home? Ok, that tells you all you need to know. Get rid. Don't let him think it's his decision, either. Paste a smile on and comment how now the shock is over, you know you want him out of your life and that you'll be happier.

Tell her H. 'Spread the pain'? Err, no. Tell him that he's been cheated on so that he can take action in his own life if he wishes to. Right now, he's being lied to.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/04/2018 13:31

Ignore her, tell her husband.

GrandTheftWalrus · 10/04/2018 13:34

If I had to message all the people my exH cheated on me with I'd probably still be messaging them.

Don't message her.

EenaMinaMoe · 10/04/2018 13:35

My own shameful story - many years ago, when I was about 19/20, one of my close friends received a letter from the wife of a MM she had had an affair with. I am very ashamed to say that she showed it to a number of our friends group and we laughed.

In retrospect, I can see the wife must have been in awful pain and was projecting all that outwards, but to a bunch of horrible teenagers it just seemed very self righteous and pompous and didn't get anything right. Plus we knew her husband and he didn't seem anything like the man she was describing. We were awful back then (over 20 years ago).

I don't think I would recommend sending a letter unless you're very resilient and won't mind strangers seeing it/judging it/passing comment/letter being sent back to your DH.

BrendasUmbrella · 10/04/2018 13:58

I’d 100% tell her other half, why should he be protected from her infidelity. I’m sure he’d rather know.

It comes down to whether you have the energy for that kind of drama when there's a marriage and family life to unpick.

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 14:33

I know that I would want to tell her DH. Why the hell should he be left in the dark? HOWEVER! What you might be initiating here is a two way dialogue that Could end up as a mud slinging match. Strikes me, you've got a lot on your plate just fighting for what's yours and you kids. I guess you need to be wary of anything that could jeapoardsie getting your fair settlement . But perhaps a straightforward statement of the facts to her DH??????

GrandTheftWalrus · 10/04/2018 19:43

See no one told me when he was genuinely cheating on me (I'd been emailed and it was fake) I'd have liked to have known before I married him and found everything out.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 20:20

I deeply regret many many things I have done so please don't flame me, but honestly from the receiving end of such a letter... It meant nothing to me and in fact made me feel less sorry at the time.

This is exactly the reaction I would expect. You may feel bad about it now, but you're a different person now. Back then, when you were an OW, that person in that situation, that's exactly how I'd imagine you'd feel.

People don't respond well to being blatantly guilt tripped. If anything, it probably makes them feel either morally superior or just as though they want to burst the bubble by not really giving a shit.

Anyway, even if you had started wearing sackcloth and ashes and flagellating yourself, it would have had absolutely no impact on whether or not the marriage survived. That would depend entirely on the two people in it. If the husband wasn't sorry or prepared to change, it really doesn't matter what the OW does.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 20:22

EenaMeena, same goes. Obviously you're not proud of it now, as a completely different person, but at the time, as that person, in that situation...that's the response I would expect.

myluckycharm · 10/04/2018 20:23

Her OH needs to know the truth so that HE can decide whether or not he wants to stay with an adulterous wife, who may or may not be putting his health at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Inform him in a dignified, calm manner.

Towards your DH - stay calm, composed and get your plans made & take legal advice.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 20:24

I don't think people in general respond well to negative letters. There's something about them - giving the writer their say and no right of reply for the recipient - that makes them very one-sided and likely to get someone's back up if it's confrontational. What if the OW wrote her own vitriolic letter back, giving her own version of events?

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 20:27

@PoorYorick .....if I was in the OP's shoes, I wouldn't give a flying F about giving the OW any right of reply! What the hell is fair or democratic about being cheated on?!

EenaMinaMoe · 10/04/2018 20:33

Tinkobell - I don't think that's the point PoorYorick is making at all. I think she's saying that sending the OW a message is highly unlikely to get a response that is in any way helpful to the OP and may make it worse - worse for the OP.

OW will almost certainly not feel bad or guilty or see the error of her ways. She will quite possibly behave quite unkindly in response which is absolutely not what the OP needs right now.

donners312 · 10/04/2018 20:35

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you could care.

Better revenge would be to let her bloody have him!

You will be alright!!

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