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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS I won't be financially supporting him through uni unless he pulls his finger out

105 replies

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 08:58

I'm so fed up. DS1 is 19 and as has yet again, failed to get himself out of bed again to go to his single college lesson today. This is a regular occurrence. He has an offer from his first choice of uni for September and is keen to go, however he can't get himself up. I don't think he will get the full maintenance loan and he will be expecting a top up from me. I've told him today, unless he starts getting himself up and dressed I'm not prepared to throw money at it. AIBU?

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 09/04/2018 09:00

Depends. what are his grades like?

You dont have to go to every lesson to get good grades.

BobbleHat102 · 09/04/2018 09:02

You're definitely not being unreasonable. Most students have to work to support themselves, and handouts won't help him change his attitude.

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:05

Well he messed around so much in the first year of a levels that he restarted 6th form with the exception of one subject.He has one grade B already under his belt. I think he is on track for B/C's in the two remaining subjects however I get frequent emails about his attendance from college. Today is not a one off. I'm cross as he is supposed to be applying for accommodation today and it's all becoming a bit real.

OP posts:
Justwaitingforaline · 09/04/2018 09:06

If he isn’t bothering to go to college then you probably won’t have to worry too much about him getting into his first choice of Uni, unless it was an unconditional offer.

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 09:06

I agree with you.

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:07

It was not an unconditional offer, but a very low offer of 2 c's. He already has one B.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 09:08

University isn't a right it is a privilege I don't agree with people saying teenagers should go for the life experience not when parents are supporting them,your son can't get up for a college class and he wants you to fund his lazy arse nah yanbu you need to be having words.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2018 09:08

I agree with just waiting.
If the offer is in any way conditional or needs a reference from college then he won't be going.

speakout · 09/04/2018 09:09

Back off OP.

It's his business, not yours.

speakout · 09/04/2018 09:11

Thing is OP that even if he gets to Uni will you still be on his back?

thegreylady · 09/04/2018 09:12

It is her business if she is expected to offer financial support!

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 09:13

speakout

Does that mean the finances are his business, too?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/04/2018 09:13

I feel your pain. 17 year old DD is the same, I'm waiting for the email telling us she I'll have to redo year 12.

The worry is even if they do get into uni, is it a complete waste of time and money if they can't get themselves out of bed and motivated, even with us there nagging them, which we won't be at uni!

Skatingfastonthinice · 09/04/2018 09:14

If he’s not ready for independent living and the demands of uni, he can get a job and practise those necessary skills. Then apply to uni later, with savings to back him up. Sometimes a teenager who has never had a boss other than mum needs the experience.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 09/04/2018 09:15

Did you miss the bit where Op will be financially supporting him speakout? That's kind of the point of the thread. Or do you just enjoy being contrary and argumentative?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/04/2018 09:15

Do you know why he isn't getting out of bed? Gaming/on a screen all night? Partying? Depressed or anxious?

Is he enjoying the a levels? Does he know what he wants to study at uni? Is he motivated to learn? Does he know what he wants to do after? Does he have friends?

I'd get to the root of what is going on for him first.

Skatingfastonthinice · 09/04/2018 09:16

Maybe speak out means let him fail if that’s the consequence of not getting out of bed.

speakout · 09/04/2018 09:18

Does that mean the finances are his business, too?

But that's the deal when we have kids.

Let's be realistic here.
If this boy is showing a lack of motivation for study then he is likely to be in the same position at Uni- so what happens? The OP trying to get him out of bed every morning for the next 4 years?
That's no way to live life. And will probably destroy the relationship.

Maybe Uni is not for him- maybe he would be better having a job for a while, or travel, or get an apprenticeship.

The OP cannot provide the motivation for her son, he has to find it for himself.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 09/04/2018 09:19

Sometimes a teenager who has never had a boss other than mum needs the experience. Good point Skating. We all want to give our dc the best we can but maybe sometimes we take that too far. If mum and dad are always a fallback then independence and personal responsibility doesn't always develop.

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:19

If my income affects the loan he can get then surely it's my business?

I've just done the calculator thing and he will be entitled to borrow about 4K a year, maximum being 8.5k. To bring him up to the maximum loan level, which is what I assume most parents would work their contribution out on it will be £375 a month

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 09:21

speakout

That's not really an answer. Should the OP say 'oh well, his business' and refuse to supplement his loan? Or is it her business?

themagicamulet · 09/04/2018 09:21

I don't blame you OP. I would be feeling frustrated and upset in your position. keepservingthedrinks makes some good points

speakout · 09/04/2018 09:22

CocoPuffsInGodMode no I am not being argumentative.

I am simply suggesting that the OP just takes a bit more of a back seat.

It will cost financially- but that's the deal when we have kids.

I just don't think it is a good idea to be pushing kids to University when they are not motivated.

What may happen is they start a course and after a year or two drop out- leaving a trail of expenses and student loans.

Far better not to go at all- or wait until they really are motivated to go.

MinaPaws · 09/04/2018 09:26

Just tell him you can't. Have a proper, serious conversation with him about the financial pressure you'll be under to provide for him at uni and that you simply can't afford to make that sacrifice until he shows he;s 100% committed to working hard at his ca=ourse. tell him you're happy for him to delay for a while, get soem work experience, get his life on track and you'll pay for him when there's clear evidence he'll benefit from it, otherwise it's money down the drain that you can't afford to lose.

Teens have to learn that parents are human and not just ATMs who do the laundry.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/04/2018 09:26

... and if he keeps missing sessions he could well lose his current course anyway! The funding doesn't just continue if you miss 4+ weeks or fall below 85% attendance (Ithink) of any one course. It automatically un enrols you!

Which is why the college are writing home. He is already affecting their funding stream (which is why colleges hate lazy, can't be arsed students) and could well be getting close to having his own funding pulled.

But I'm betting he has been told that by whatever mentor/tutor he is supposed to see.

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