To tell DS I won't be financially supporting him through uni unless he pulls his finger out

[wibblywobblyfish]

I'm so fed up. DS1 is 19 and as has yet again, failed to get himself out of bed again to go to his single college lesson today. This is a regular occurrence. He has an offer from his first choice of uni for September and is keen to go, however he can't get himself up. I don't think he will get the full maintenance loan and he will be expecting a top up from me. I've told him today, unless he starts getting himself up and dressed I'm not prepared to throw money at it. AIBU?

He is unlikely to pass a degree with that attitude so why should you contribute to paying (a LOT) for it?

No way would I pay if one of mine had that attitude.

He doesn't sound like he is suited to uni at all.

Tell you what though op, he has a great work ethic. You should be proud of that. 2 jobs at his age. Good on him

i think this is a good thing to do whether uni or not.at least as a "yes I'm dangling it"threat.to give him a jolt.
because wen he doesn't possibly get in his behaviour will still be the same if you don't try to change it.so hell be what,laying at home dossing living off you getting no work or college next...so both options aren't good if he doesn't work out he needs to move himself.
is there anything more emotive behind it.does he want to go.if this is the day for accommodation is he getting overhwlemed with how real it is?or is he just a lazy bugger.
have a word.try to be calm mum.let him no your thinking then ask him his.get to the reason then work from there.with him if you can.
can you for a week give him a wake up call.pack him a lunch.bring him a cup of tea.then he can get into a routine again.
is he getting the work done.
does he need any extra help
if hes telling you to leave hi Malone:ok so your not all up on his timetable so what should you no about his work because if he wants you to back off then he needs to reassure you that hel be ok if you do.and then that this isn't he work ethic.becasue he wont survive uni like this.

he's got an early evening job in a shop 3 x a week and he also works in a pub/club 2 late evenings in the week

he's working 5 nights a week, plus doing well in his A levels...

i think he'll be ok OP.

whether his course is worth paying for / subsidising is the real issue here i think.

I've gone out and left him to it. Will see what happens. Last night he was of the opinion that accommodation was first come first served and that he was going to go to college for his lesson this morning then to my parents to use their quick broadband to sort the accommodation before catching the bus home.

I am supporting him. The last thing I want is for him to feel unsupported however I need signs of some commitment and effort from him. I have not voiced an opinion to him on his choice of course. I've talked about apprenticeships with him a couple of times but he's set on going to Uni. That's great, his choice but where my income is assessed and his maintenance loan adjusted accordingly I want to see some enthusiasm and motivation if I'm going to help financially.

I really appreciate all the replies by the way thank you.

however I get frequent emails about his attendance from college.

Getting those text messages must be adding to your stress. Can you opt out from them?

He's 19, no reason for the college to be texting his mummy.

You dont have to fund his uni accomodation. He could just attend the uni closest to your home and commute.

I’d be making any funding conditional on him putting in enough work, definitely. I watched far to many unmotivated people waste several years of their lives drifting around at university.

But he is working an awful lot, and late into the evening, so it is hardly surprising he finds getting up in the morning a struggle?

I would say from your posts wibbly that your DS is more in love with the idea of Uni than the actual studying at Uni bit. If my DCs had started bunking off school/college at A level stage, there is no way I would've funded them at Uni. They knew I was serious on that, I went on and on about how much it was going to cost and the fact it was a one off opportunity that neither me nor DH had.

Can you look at this link wibbly, really worth looking into as far as apprenticeships, they have an impressive list of Companies, one of my DCs mentors one of the apprentices and the more I hear about the Company the more impressed I am.
whitehat.org.uk/about

does he want to go to uni for uni or to work hard at uni.
it is totally your business if you have to end up coming up with financial help.
totally different if it was all paid for then you could support him yes id still think but there wouldn't be this extra weightedness behind it for you.let him know that.tell him you want to be there and fully support him but your scared yourself because this will come back on both on you in the future.you don't want to pressure him but he must see equally that there is pressure on you both to make the right choices here.
to have that many job and work still must be hard work.but you can be exhausted and still want to keep working hard and not just be letting tiredness be an excuse for being a slob
to be getting messages from college I think takes this further too.shows there is a proble,s and he is missing vital stuff for his course.otherwsie they wouldn't bother if he is getting all the work and points he needs to uni.

I think that he's more in love with the idea of uni and socialising than he is studying for his future (probably a lot are!).

However on the flip side, if he's working a good few evenings and nights he's possibly tired?

Nap queen - he did apply for the closest uni but didn't get an offer. Besides we live in the sticks, first bus out of here doesn't leave til 8.30am. It's a 25 mile bus trip and there's no buses back after 6. He is too scared to learn to drive, I've offered lessons.

I would advise that he defers his university place to work for a year so that he picks up a work ethic. If he goes in September, he'll just sleep all day and miss his lectures and might up end up failing his course. Encourage him to delay and work for a year so gets used to getting up and ready for 9am otherwise he'll get sacked.

Wibbly, mine are in their 20s and it’s still tricky!
Supporting= good
Carrying = not good long-term
You sound as if you know the difference.

The first year doesn't count : not true! If you mess around and fail you're unlikely to be allowed to repeat. Many courses throw people off who fail their first year..
Also if you're borderline when you finish your degree ie between 1/2:1,2:1/2:2 the board will look at their paper profile (essentially a list of all modules and scores) - won't look good if he only scrapes through the year.

Re motivation /maturity :Several pals have kids who dropped out /left uni - mixture of too immature /wrong choice of course /didn't see through the marketing/crap universities... They still have to pay back 40k in one case... And no degree to show for it.... They are not allowed to have more loans AFAIK. Utterly stuffed up.

Kids need to go to the best university for their subject in a place they like..... Being bold: many recruiters ignore degrees from bottom of table universities.... Not all degrees are equal... A humanities degree from UCL /Bristol even excellent old polys like Oxford Brookes do not equal a degree from rubbish ex HE college that only got uni status recently... (there are reasons why these were so late to get status!)

I'm impressed that he has two jobs - presumably that shows maturity responsibility and commitment?
And might make it hard to get up in the mornings if he works in the evenings.
It's a tough one OP.
So much money tied up in the decisions and a 19 year old is frankly not well placed to consider whether his degree is going to be a worthwhile investment.
I personally think a year working after school can be really useful but if he has his heart set on going to uni next year I'm not sure what I would do.

Why does he need to put in extra work now (for one A Level) when he doesn't need to? He can just adapt later to put in the right amount for the situation, as we all do when e.g. we start a more demanding job or a postgrad degree. I genuinely don't understand practising something that generally comes naturally - our ability to adapt to changing circumstances is what's got us this far as a species.

Also, he's working two jobs, so it's not even as though he is lazy!

Regardless of his attendance etc now, I don't think it's sensible for you to top up to full loan. I think he needs to sit down and work out how much money he needs, and make up the difference himself by getting a job through uni.

Unless the shop and pub are particularly busy at christmas/easter/summer he won't neccessarily be able to work in his holidays, and there's holiday coursework, and friends he wants to see etc.

He needs to step up, but he won't have any motivation to, if you're offering handouts.

If he's earning so much whilst living rent free he really should have been saving enough to not need that much help from you. It's no good him living the party life for a year whilst you end up financially crippled!

And whilst the first year doesn't count towards your final grade, it is the base of knowledge for the rest of your degree so not going well either get him kicked out our at best with a huge knowledge hole.

I'd definitely be telling him that for every class your told he's skipped for this last term, you're reducing his allowance accordingly. £10 a month per class?

I didn't work hard at a levels or Uni. and still got top grades. Some of us just see that lucky. I made an effort when i needed too but missed dozens, dozens of lectures. Some courses it matters more than others i guess. I do regret not going to the lectures which actually would have really interested me, but you can't get that message through to a teenager/young adult! Sleep is just more important to them!

An offer for 2 c’s is rather low isn’t it?
If he can’t get his arse out of bed to attend one college lesson a day he’s hardly going to uni to work!
He’s obviously looking forward to spending 3 years slobbing about and drinking with his mates, funded by you!
He’s not taking education seriously.
I’d demand he gets a job and start paying rent!

I don't think the degree course he has chosen will be particularly sought after.

What exactly is he hoping to study?

I didn't work hard at a levels or Uni. and still got top grades

I don’t call a couple of C’s top grades.

No, nor do I Ewedoewe , but that's what his offer is isn't it? Not what op thinks he will get? Anyway i was making a broader point that effort doesn't always equal attainment.
I also think it's worth boring that only having one lesson might be the reason he's not going in; I'd have been much more motivated to go in for a full day than one lecture. Especially if, say, he already overslept and knew he would be late for it, then it might well seem like a waste F time to go in for 30-40 minutes.