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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS I won't be financially supporting him through uni unless he pulls his finger out

105 replies

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 08:58

I'm so fed up. DS1 is 19 and as has yet again, failed to get himself out of bed again to go to his single college lesson today. This is a regular occurrence. He has an offer from his first choice of uni for September and is keen to go, however he can't get himself up. I don't think he will get the full maintenance loan and he will be expecting a top up from me. I've told him today, unless he starts getting himself up and dressed I'm not prepared to throw money at it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/04/2018 10:09

Leave him alone to sleep. Let him take the consequences of his actions (just be prepared for lots of wailing moans of 'you should have made meeeeeeeee.) If he gets good grades he can always to to Uni as an independant adult (when you won't be liable for his living expenses either).

My eldest DD did this. She was unmotivated and had social anxiety despite having decent A level grades, not keen to get up and out of the house - she wouldn't have got anything out of going to Uni other than a huge loan for a possibly failed degree. So she stayed at home, grew up, got some voluntary work which helped her socialise. Then she applied for and went to a university where most students were adults and where, incidentally, they were much more geared up for those with social anxiety and depression. She got an excellent degree and now lives away from home and works in a brilliant job she loves.

Just to give you hope, OP.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/04/2018 10:10

My DDs attendance in 6th form is around 70% but the school never contact me about it. I find that quite surprising.

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 10:15

Tumblinmonkeys I did discuss apprenticeships with him as an alternative but he wasn't interested. I agree with you.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/04/2018 10:16

I too had a son like that.

Got into Uni- decided not to go.
Got a job in a supermarket stacking shelves. He saved then took himself off to New Zealand for 9 months doing farm work.
Came back home ( now 20) and has just started a short computer course and is motivated.

speakout · 09/04/2018 10:16

I am glad I didn't push him to attend University.

greenberet · 09/04/2018 10:17

So agree

Teens have to learn that parents are human and not just ATMs who do the laundry.

speakout · 09/04/2018 10:18

OP I am simply saying that if you push it may end up costing you more and with no result at the end.

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 10:20

you dont have to support him.
he needs to earn money to support himself

it is his life though op.
Can grandparents have a word, sometimes they have more of a sway

montenotte · 09/04/2018 10:23

hang on
he is working two jobs and is in his final year of A levels.

he already has a B grade

he's only doing one A level this year? He should then be working as hard as possible saving £££ - if he only has to get a C in one A level this year and has done well in his coursework (so clearly easily on track for the C grade) i'm not surprised he's not motivated...

Why can't he get a job during his degree to make up the shortfall income he needs? I wouldn't be making his life too cushy subbing him if you know he will use his spare time sleeping...

Pythone · 09/04/2018 10:23

If his grades are ok, I don't see the issue. I missed quite a few lessons in Sixth Form and barely went to lectures, but it was fine because I knew that I still had to do well in the exams so just put in some extra effort then.

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:26

You are not being unreasonable at all. If he wants to laze around the house all day then he needs to get his own place imo I will support my children as long as they put some effort into life

EweDoEwe · 09/04/2018 10:28

If he is currently earning more than you, then presumably he’s stashing loads of money away for uni?

That’s the conversation I’d be having - you don’t seem motivated, I don’t think uni is for you, you currently earn more money than me so I hope you’re saving lots as I’m not prepared to financially subsidise this behaviour or attitude whilst you’re at uni.

greenberet · 09/04/2018 10:30

I was just going to say as Pythone - maybe he knows he is doing ok - and doesn't see it as a problem with missing some - I know my Dd has come home before frustrated that she has travelled to college for one lesson and they have watched a DVD or been told just to read etc as only half class showed up or tutor not there

Was it first day back today after easter hols?

Have you got parents evening coming up soon -?

wink1970 · 09/04/2018 10:36

similar story to Zaphodsotherhead

My DSS wanted to go to Uni to do a media degree but faffed around at school - he attended, but wasn't engaged, and showed no maturity or understanding of self-motivation & reward.

So, DH refused to fund him. Probably harsh, but his choice. DSS went off to work in a supermarket for 2 years, found an interest in architecture & went to Uni to study that.10 Years on & he's an Architects Technician (he does all the fiddly/technical bits), has saved for & is doing up his own home, and is a super guy.

Sometimes they need the safety net removing so they can see what the fall looks like.

TerfsUp · 09/04/2018 10:54

YANBU. Your son needs to learn to start taking responsibility.

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 10:59

Yes he earns more a month than I do - he's got an early evening job in a shop 3 x a week and he also works in a pub/club 2 late evenings in the week. He assures me he is saving money. He hopes to get a job while he is at uni.

He is doing 2 A levels this year having already finished one last year.

I want him to feel supported but I also need to see some signs of motivation for achieving the grades before I potentially throw up to third of my monthly salary at supporting him in this uni course.

I didn't go to Uni myself as my parents sneered at me wanting to go to a 'polytechnic' to do teacher training. They refused to help and I ended up deferring a year, leaving home in that time and then ended up pregnant with the DS above. I don't want the same for him

OP posts:
ROO158 · 09/04/2018 11:00

I am the Property Manager of a Student Accommodation and let me tell you, 90% of the "Adults" here are still babies. The parents call me to go and get their child out of bed, no thank you! They may have an academical brain but no real life experience and common sense. He needs to get a job and sort himself out, you can't help OP by mothering him. He needs to learn for himself

Original poster
wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 11:01

He's currently rolling around in bed - I'm keeping an eye on him as he needs apply for accommodation as soon as the portal is open in 30 mins

OP posts:
notenoughbottletonight · 09/04/2018 11:07

If he can't get out of bed with you in the house he's not going to do it when he's on his own. Tell him if he wants to go to uni you want his attendance to be 100% in college.

LIZS · 09/04/2018 11:11

he needs to apply for accommodation, not you. If he really wants it he will do it without you looking over his shoulder. Anyway it is not usually first come, first served.

Pythone · 09/04/2018 11:14

I don't agree that being lazy at college will mean that he can't motivate himself at uni. At school, the message was "it's going to be harder at university, you won't be able to slack off then, so you might as well start working hard now even though you don't need to", which seems as illogical to me now as an adult as it did when I was 17.

Why bother taking on extra work you don't need, when everyone's telling you that life only gets harder from here on in? Why not enjoy being lazy while you still can, rather than pointlessly getting a "head start" on a life of drudgery when it isn't going to make a difference as to how well you do? (As you can imagine, I had a lot of run-ins with various teachers!)

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 11:21

Let him take the initiative op.
you can guide but perhaps he needs an excuse to actually admit he wants to step off the conveyor belt of university admittance

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 11:22

"I don't want the same for him" you say, but what about what he wants?
don't sneer at his choices, back him up

Kilo3 · 09/04/2018 11:25

With regards to his mates telling him that nothing in the first year matters - well that is completely untrue! If you fail the first year due to general pratting about then you wont be allowed to repeat and that money would have been completely wasted and you'll still have to pay it back! I remember those types at University, the ones who think it's just one big party - didn't see them after the first term! Any decent university will pile it on very early on to sort the wheat from the chaff. I found my first year the hardest.

Oh, and I got no financial support from my family - I survived off of savings and student loans. I loved every minute of it and wish I could go back now (10 years later) alas, I cannot afford it and it breaks my heart Sad

Bluelady · 09/04/2018 11:30

Given what you've said about an apprenticeship, OP, why would you want to fund him for a degree that you believe will be of little value to him? I wouldn't.

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