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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DS I won't be financially supporting him through uni unless he pulls his finger out

105 replies

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 08:58

I'm so fed up. DS1 is 19 and as has yet again, failed to get himself out of bed again to go to his single college lesson today. This is a regular occurrence. He has an offer from his first choice of uni for September and is keen to go, however he can't get himself up. I don't think he will get the full maintenance loan and he will be expecting a top up from me. I've told him today, unless he starts getting himself up and dressed I'm not prepared to throw money at it. AIBU?

OP posts:

MinaPaws · 09/04/2018 09:26

Sorry for typos.

speakout · 09/04/2018 09:28

But if you simply allow him to bear the consequences of his actions you won't need that serious talk.

I'd simply leave him in bed.
OK he doesn't get the grades he needs and it won't cost you.
He can work out what to do next for himself.

Original poster

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:29

He's already got two little jobs which he really enjoys and they fit well around his 2 a levels. He earns more than I do but he will have to resign from them both when he starts uni as he intends to go to a uni 200 miles away. He should be able to go back to them in the holidays.

He's never been good at waking up. He does stay up late, but not all night. I usually get up in the night to go to the loo and he's apparently always asleep then. I don't check in on him obviously but all lights are off and I can't see the glow of a screen

OP posts:

QuiteQuietly · 09/04/2018 09:29

Is there honestly any point in going to do a university course which only requires 2 Cs? Surely he'd be better off getting a job or doing some other sort of training. There wouldn't be much ROI for this degree.

Juells · 09/04/2018 09:31

Some good points made. What would happen if you told him today that you think he should put off college until he's a bit older? Work in the meantime? My eldest daughter worked for a couple of years before going to college, she was a lot more committed by that time.

cupcakesandglitter · 09/04/2018 09:31

Sorry op but he needs to get off his arse and get a job like everyone else does during uni. He's old enough to do it for himself - but if he Cba to get out of bed for college, he'll have the same lazy attitude at uni and tbh it won't get him very far. It's out of your hands but I wouldn't waste any money on him

drspouse · 09/04/2018 09:39

Is there honestly any point in going to do a university course which only requires 2 Cs?
Well, he already has a B and a quick search reveals that e.g. engineering some places only asks for BCC, and that's pretty employable with a degree (and though I don't really know much about it, I imagine not very employable without).

Let him get himself up, if he's dropped from his course or doesn't get his grades, it sounds like he will survive financially on his current jobs and if he gets fed up of entry-level jobs he can go to Uni later.

Snail96 · 09/04/2018 09:41

The college is emailing you about his attendance? He’s 19 is he not? Adult education?
Tell him to get a job, I worked right the way through 6th form and everything else, still got top grades. He’s an adult now, are you planning on giving him hand outs through his entire life? Time to learn the value of money

strawberrysparkle · 09/04/2018 09:41

Be warned even the best students don't attend university a lot. Most universities only tackle attendance at 70% or less and even then it's just a text/email reminding them.

LIZS · 09/04/2018 09:42

Yanbu If he can't be bothered to get up for college he is not going to change at uni, with plenty more distractions around and noone to chase him up. If his chosen course does not have many contact hours he may well fall under the radar until he finds himself failing.

WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 09:44

The OP isn't forcing him in to college though? SHe's saying I will not support you unless you suck it up. SHe's just letting him know the deal speak. Supporing an adult child financially who you know will fail is not part of being a parent.

And OP, yes, you were right to do so.

Original poster

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:44

I'm going to sound like a really awful person here but here goes.

I don't think my son will be able to motivate himself to get up and out to lectures in time. He's been hearing from friends already at uni that 'nothing you do in the first year counts anyhow' which is really unhelpful

I'm pretty confident that he will get the grades but there is always the risk that he won't. The courses he is doing are the majority coursework and he's done very well so far.

I don't think the degree course he has chosen will be particularly sought after. I would have thought that an apprenticeship would have been more useful and worthwhile. Plus he wouldn't be saddled with student debt. I have not voiced this opinion to DS.

I ultimately want him to know I will support him but he has to motivate himself getting himself up in time.

OP posts:

TalkFastThinkSlow · 09/04/2018 09:45

I'm going to go against the grain.

As his grades alright, i would let him get on with it.

Also, you dont need to supplement his income. Just tell him he'll need to get a job, regardless.

If he already earns more than you, he should be saving regularly.

Juells · 09/04/2018 09:48

What a bind you're in :( I do think it would do him good to work for a few years though. Some people mature later than others...

£375 a month is a lot to find, when you know in your heart that he'll probably mess around and fail first year.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2018 09:48

No, you're absolutely right OP.

You'll be doing him a favour. To be absolutely practical about it - he gets one shot at Uni, which costs £££.

If he currently isn't mature enough to make the best of that one shot, you are absolutely right to refuse to fund it and suggest that he works for a couple of years until he is adult enough to really understand the potential impact of pissing that chance even partly up the wall.

I work in the sector, I can't stress enough that so many of the half-assed 19 year olds I see would have been SO MUCH better off taking a year or two out (and in some cases, using that time maturing to select courses which they actually suit and are enthusiastic about!).

It's just too expensive now to view it as a 'continuation' of the school - sixth form progression. If he's still acting like a teenager, that's fine, just tell him, you're not going to risk that cash being wasted. You don't want him bemoaning the fact, in five years' time, that he didn't wait, work and take time to grow up enough to take his career path seriously before haring off to Uni.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 09/04/2018 09:48

I didn't go to half my lectures in any year. Still left with a 2:1, which I've barely used because I now work in a completely unrelated industry.

Just realised my previous post was agreeing with you, haha. just tell him to get a job. Most of the people I went to university with had some kind of employment, or worked during the summer.

Original poster

wibblywobblyfish · 09/04/2018 09:48

To reply to a previous poster, the current college do text/ call about absence to parents even in 6th form. The 6th form is attached to a senior school rather than a standalone kind of establishment.

OP posts:

snewsname · 09/04/2018 09:51

Tell him calmly that you think he needs to get an apprenticeship as he's not showing any motivation or commitment now and he need more of both for uni. That you can't afford to waste your money.
Let him persuade you otherwise, including by action rather than just words. Remain calm but resigned. Disappointed for him but resolute that it's not the best thing for him. That'll be far more effective than anger and moaning.

Dancingleopard · 09/04/2018 09:54

I agree with you wibbly

19 is old enough to get a part time job and study. I teach sports and the place I work is full of 16-20 year olds studying hard and earning a bit of cash to see them through.

Maybe stop making his life so easy ?

pumpkinpie01 · 09/04/2018 09:54

I think you are perfectly within your rights not to support him if he cant get out of bed now, but he could get his act together, get to uni and still stay in bed and miss lectures and you wouldnt even know! My son is at uni and we give him a nominal amount each week but I stop it when he is home and I see the money as being for food and when he is home I am feeding him. So if you were to not give him money when he is home - ie - June, July, August and so many other weeks its actually more than £375 a month

Hillarious · 09/04/2018 09:59

Just to add, my DS is at a stand-alone sixth form College and they e-mail weekly with his attendance record and whether he's been late for any classes.

immortalmarble · 09/04/2018 10:02

Isn’t he quite tired, if he is working in two jobs?

I know it is difficult but that sounds like a lot to me, plus a levels.

TumblinMonkeys · 09/04/2018 10:04

"I would have thought that an apprenticeship would have been more useful and worthwhile. Plus he wouldn't be saddled with student debt. I have not voiced this opinion to DS. "

I don't understand why you wouldn't explain this to your DS. I have a rather unacademic DS currently doing his GCSEs and have explained to him a myriad of times why doing an apprenticeship or BTEC with loads of incorporated work experience makes much more sense than mediocre A levels and an unprestigious degree.

CardsforKittens · 09/04/2018 10:08

Alternatively, going away to uni will encourage him to take a more mature approach. As soon as he gets his first marks back (within a few weeks) he'll know whether he's putting enough work in. Most students figure that out for themselves quite easily, and the vast majority make it through first year with the grades to progress into second year. I understand the frustration though, and I agree that you need to talk to him about his commitment to his course.

greenberet · 09/04/2018 10:09

Hi op - our kids put us through the wringer don't they - we want to do what's best for them but at what point do we stop taking the hit for them?

I'm assuming that this is about the financials _ it always is - what is the impact on you if you continue to support Ds - are you a lone parent? I'm having to make decisions that I feel are best for kids emotional wellbeing but in doing so impact on me financially - maybe not right now but maybe at some point in future - and when they are less than bloody grateful and you feel that they are taking the piss which way do you go? Do you give them short sharp shock now and hope they learn or do you give them a bit longer and hope they come good in the end.

I don't really know the answer still trying to sort out my own battles - some say stop making his life so easy - but maybe it's not easy for him right now if it was he would get out of bed - maybe he has a fear of failing - he has already repeated one year - maybe he is scared of not achieving the grades he needs and his way of dealing with this is to not turn up - it is then not about whether he has the ability to achieve the grades - he won't know but he can say I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed - end result is the same maybe i.e. No uni but it is more acceptable that he didn't make it as he didn't show up rather than didn't make it on merit - I don't know Op maybe off tangent

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