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AIBU?

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Original poster

Noisy church

150 replies

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 09/04/2018 07:56

I went to church this week for the first time in years for a christening, which was during the normal service.

OMG the noise.

There were children crying and not being taken out. Some eating loudly. Some whining. Some talking in their normal voices. Some running around. It added up to the priest actually having to shout to be barely heard.

Can’t people teach children to sit quietly for an hour? It was certainly not like this at church when I was growing up.

Even if you are not religious, it is clear that it is a quiet environment, not a soft play area.

It’s clear these children know there will be no consequences for playing silly buggers. I don’t mean hitting them, I mean a 7 yo knowing he won’t get to play on the wii when he gets home if he keeps it up. Even a toddler can be entertained to sit quietly, and as a parent you inconvenience yourself by taking a crying child out rather than inconvenience everyone else with the noise.

What the actual fuck is going on with parenting!

OP posts:
AllTheGoodOnesAreUnavailable · 09/04/2018 08:57

I take my DD to church every single week.

She is 2.

If you would like to take her for me and try and get her (and the rest of the children) to sit and be silent for an hour then please be my guest.
Believe me it is VERY hard work, but still, we attend every week without fail to be a part of or religion.. which is more than can be said for you.

Don't judge regular church goers if you're not one yourself Hmm

NambiBambi · 09/04/2018 08:57

The good thing is that there are (in many areas) a choice of styles of worship. Where I live I could opt to go to a church with a very quiet, adult congregation or I could go to very lively, inclusive churches. Each sort of congregation probably would not enjoy the other sorts of worship very much on a regular basis but their focus is ultimately to worship the living God rather than have a good time. Fortunately, this usually amounts to the same thing in an active, faithful church.

In our church children come in for the first part of the services and for family services but there are staffed creches, Sunday school groups and so on available. Babies and children are welcome and if a child is really noisy a parent will usually take them out for a bit. Jesus did say all were welcome and he rejected the religious model of rules and empty observance over love for God and love for your neighbours.

Devilishpyjamas · 09/04/2018 08:57

Yeah big grass it was a christening so there will be non-kid-friendly stuff that has to be done.

I’m an atheist. My severely autistic son loves churches. I’d never take him to an actual service (he’d probably love the singing actually), but he loves the buildings. He’s currently in hospital 8 hours from home & we took him out and into a church last week. He was super chilled, put some money into the slot (I always give a contribution when he has had a few minutes of peace). Churches should be for everyone to access - not just people who can sit quietly.

MimpiDreams · 09/04/2018 08:59

I go back to its Gods House and we should all be polite and respectful in there.

It's God's house and His much loved children are coming to visit. I believe He wants to hear them laughing and singing and enjoying each others company.

Spikeyball · 09/04/2018 08:59

" I have 2 ds with SN , one with ADD and another who attends a special school for Autism, so not vaguely 'on the spectrum' ) they just know that when it's not appropriate to run around, they don't do it !!. "
Mine doesn't. I might be able to physically restrain him from doing so but he doesn't know he shouldn't as wouldn't any other child functioning at a similar level.

Laiste · 09/04/2018 09:01

I don't go to church unless it's a wedding, christening or funeral (and i imagine i'm in the majority).

A Christening is going to be full of adults and kids who don't attend church regularly and so it's a slightly different issue than how the usual sunday service is conducted at any given church. Normal Sunday proceedings are down the vicar i guess.

If at a family event like a wedding or christening the vicar announced that all kids are to remain in their seats and keep quiet it would put a bit of a downer on the occasion and some folks would go away feeling even less than warm towards church.

Would i try and keep DD4 a bit quiet during a christening? Yes, to an extent. But the thing is if one child is tolerated running up and down they're all going to want to do it. What can you do?

TrickyD · 09/04/2018 09:03

The OP does not specify, but I wonder if there were several children being baptised at one service. If so some of the families were probably lookng on the whole thing as a social occasion, were not accustomed to attending chorch and therefore not aware that though children are welcome, it is not a playground.

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 09:04

I too have been shocked at how behaviour in church has declined in last 20 years.

And I don't mean young children sitting in silence!!

But what I've seen recently is symptomatic of child-centred/child focused/child is the most important thing - type parenting these days.

Because it's like this everywhere. The way people parent and the focus on the child over and above all else.

I think it's wrong. But I'm a minority.

megletthesecond · 09/04/2018 09:07

IME Family services (once a month here) and baptisms are always a bit noisy.
One of my DC's knows how to behave, the other won't. FWIW we missed Easter Day service because she was very ratty.

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/04/2018 09:08

I went to a lovely relaxed church where children were welcome.
If they made some noise or needed to have a snack or a little wander it was fine.
I wouldn't allow them to be rude, run around or make a ton of noise. They managed fine.

I went back to church a couple of years back. It is the local very popular, pretty mc, church.
It just wasn't for me and I didn't go back.
Kids were riding their scooters up and down the aisles during the service.
It was chaos and really unfair on the people who were there for worship.

I think there has to be a balance and surely Family Church is about giving kids the opportunity to learn how to be in church at a child friendly rate rather than a religious soft play centre?

ChikiTIKI · 09/04/2018 09:09

It's usually more busy in church during school holidays because from my experience the Sunday schools don't run in the holidays. You would expect a parent to deal with a meltdown or similar though!

Original poster
DoctorWhatTheFuck · 09/04/2018 09:09

There was only one child being christened.

I only see this kind of rampaging in England and USA. Children seem to be able to behave in cafes & restaurants in France. (I wouldn’t know about the churches).

I know you can’t keep a 2 yo quiet for a full hour. You show her the picture book for a bit as a distraction and when that doesn’t work you take her out. That’s what I used to do but it seems like we inflict the noise of our children on everyone now and if we don’t we are repressed and child hating.

OP posts:
GreyBird84 · 09/04/2018 09:10

This is the kind of attitude that means I go to church very rarely now. DS is autistic & stims loudly 99% of the time so I only go if I get a babysitter.

I do agree children should be learnt to sit quietly at appropriate times, unfortunately this is a skill I am unlikely to master with DS for the foreseeable future.

cueominousmusic · 09/04/2018 09:10

bertielab That sounds absolutely lovely. Your vicar sounds like a genuine treasure, and leads the congregation so well.

YellowFlower201 · 09/04/2018 09:11

But you clearly aren't a regular churchgoer so why do you give a monkey?

ShoeJunkie · 09/04/2018 09:15

There's a difference between children rampaging in the aisles and children doing normal child things at normal child volume imho.
We attend church regularly and I always go armed with quiet toys and snacks. My two are encouraged to sit and listen and DH or I will take DS2 out if he really can't mange any longer. We are also lucky that there are plenty of other adults who will scoop him up and distract him too!
In most of our Sunday services the children are in for the first half and then go out to their groups.

isittheholidaysyet · 09/04/2018 09:16

But what I've seen recently is symptomatic of child-centred/child focused/child is the most important thing - type parenting these days.

Yes I think it is.
Whether that is a good thing or not, is a different thread.
But that is the point. Children don't have to sit down and shut up anywhere else in their lives.
The average 5 year old may have to be quiet for 10 minutes at a time in school, but the rest of the time they can choose what they do and how they learn. Parents no longer take children to 'adult' places. My children don't call non-related adults 'auntie' and 'uncle' as I did.

Society has changed and the ideas of childhood have changed. Churches reflect that.

Outlookmainlyfair · 09/04/2018 09:16

Yes, children should be seen and not heard!

Err no! You sound highly judgmental. Yes there is some balance to be had - but your post just seems condescending and a little goady.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2018 09:18

Not acceptable. Extremely rude and selfish not to take a crying child out. I suppose it's OK if the screaming one is the one being baptised.

Personwithhorse · 09/04/2018 09:21

I have only been to a couple of Christine’s they were awful. I am an atheist so never go to church. Now a days I would just turn down invitations. Having few relations I am lucky that we get few invitations to these events.

ShatnersWig · 09/04/2018 09:23

Parents no longer take children to 'adult' places

Rubbish. If that were true, you'd lose around 10% of threads in AIBU which are about children running around shrieking in cafes, restaurants, cinemas....

My children don't call non-related adults 'auntie' and 'uncle' as I did

My goddaughter (9) calls me Uncle. As does her 12-year old brother. As do lots of other friend's children. And oddly enough, their parents were the ones who started it off as "Uncle Shatner". We're all in our 40s now but this started in our mid-30s.

Slartybartfast · 09/04/2018 09:26

Can I bring in libraries to this discussion?
No longer places of quiet.
Talking is encouraged

Marmablade · 09/04/2018 09:33

I'm so glad you weren't in my church on Easter Sunday. My 3 year old tried to run riot and DH basically spent the whole service outside with her. If I'd been on my own with her and her sister what would you rather I'd done? All left and missed out on a key mass? As it was everyone around us was lovely and at the end the priest made kind comments about children being welcome (another baby kept crying)

The future of the church depends on parents bringing their children to church and making them feel welcome.

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 09:35

My 2 ds's sat perfectly, transfixed Grin at the cinema, at a very young age!!

Put a young kid, most kids, apart from if there is SN, on an x box or watching their favourite tv programme (hours and hours of Thomas the tank, anyone? Or was that just me? Wink

And they'll sit perfectly. So they can do it.
But I guess church is boring if you are 2?

isittheholidaysyet · 09/04/2018 09:36

Shatner

I think that's my point. When adults bring kids to 'adult' places it causes tension.

Yes. I was generalizing I suppose about the auntie/uncle thing.
But I think we are less formal generally as a society. The 'old' ladies at church when I was a kid were always Mrs so-and-so. The equivalent adults for my children are called 'Mary' 'Frances' and 'George'. Unless they work/ed at school, in which case the still get Mrs Surname.