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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not being! Help me draft text to MIL

121 replies

Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:31

Dd isn't quite 2. She eats very well with us and with my parents.... three meals, fruit/ healthy snacks in between. Chocolate/biscuits as treats every few days normally....Definitely not adverse to her having treats.

BUT

when she sees MIL it's insane. A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning.

DD has stopped eating her meals when she's there and just asks nana for chocolate and sweets after dinner instead. I want to stop this habit now; have tried being subtle saying we only give her chocolate as a treat etc but it's not worked. Have also tried saying a firm no to DD when she goes in the other room and asks nana but nana just gets her it anyway when I leave the room.

Can you help draft a text I can send MIL that isn't going to cause WW3 but puts the message across firmly but nicely? We love her and she's a great nana but this needs to stop!

OP posts:
DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 09/04/2018 07:33

Ask her son to tell her to stop it.

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 07:36

I wouldn't text her. I'd just wait until next time you go round and say "DD isn't having any sweets/chocolate/sugary snacks today" and then if she tried to give her any just remind her and take them off your DD

frasier · 09/04/2018 07:37

You shouldn't have to, but if you want to be firm but kind (I'd tell her straight out to be honest, sweets = no visits) then enlist the help of your doctor, dentist and health visitor. Tell MIL they are worried about the amount of crap she is having.

A three year old at DS's nursery had to have a filling recently. Three years old! Scare MIL into not wrecking your DD's health.

T2517 · 09/04/2018 07:37

Maybe say she was sick or something? Dramatic effects might have more of an action than just asking her to stop it. Otherwise you’re just going to have to ask that she please stops it as you’re not happy with your daughter eating so many sweets and also the way that you’re Mil undermines you by giving her it being your back really isn’t on.

QuiteChic · 09/04/2018 07:38

Why would you text her ? Go and see her without your daughter and have a non confrontational discussion like adults do. Take some literature that backs up your position on tooth decay, diabetes and behaviour around sugar consumption and explain that you would like to be on the same page.

If you can't see her then phone her, but don't send a text.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 09/04/2018 07:38

Do not text.

It’s an in law problem, therefore for DH to do the legwork.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/04/2018 07:39

I wouldn’t text her. I’d tell her in person. Or ideally get your partner to do it. I agree that that’s a ridiculous amount of crap, even if she only sees her once a year.

Hypermice · 09/04/2018 07:40

Don’t text her, talk to her. Tell her that you appreciate her looking after DD but the amount of choc and sweets is too much. Settle on a level you’re happy with and ask her to stick to that - maybe one treat a week or something. Tell her you’re not banning entirely butcthe amount is excessive and DD will enjoy it more if it genuinely is a treat.
If she doesn’t stick to it she doesn’t look after dd.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/04/2018 07:42

Just don’t let your DD have them Confused
And tell MIL you won’t ve coming over if itMs shpposed to be a co stant battle as no one enjoys it and it’s not fair on your DD.

Allthebubbles · 09/04/2018 07:43

That sounds horrendous. I think how you tackle it depends on how often you see her though. If it is regularly then it's got to be stopped, if it is a couple of times a year, maybe just dialled back.
My mum is big on the it's a grandparents job to spoil them line but she's not in that league by any means and we don't see them regularly so it does stay a treat.
Good luck.

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 07:44

No text is needed. You're her mum. If you're there, just say, 'Not today, thanks. She'll spoil her lunch' or whatever meal she is having next.

BillywilliamV · 09/04/2018 07:44

Ye gods, why do Grandparents do this?
Tell her you and her granddaughter adore her but the sweetie thing has to stop. Remind her firmly if she gives child sweets, just take any sweets away saying " after lunch" and then either forget or give one or two after lunch.

0hCrepe · 09/04/2018 07:44

I agree don’t text it’s so easy to misinterpret them and to become angry when that might not happen face to face.
Also agree your dh should talk to her.

LizzieSiddal · 09/04/2018 07:44

I can’t understand why you let MIL give her crap when you are in the house? Just be firm and take it off her.

Forumqueen · 09/04/2018 07:45

Maybe coming from her son it might sound better

Flisspaps · 09/04/2018 07:45

Don't leave them alone. If you go to the loo, take DD with you.

If MIL asks why, tell her.

Twickerhun · 09/04/2018 07:53

Hi I know we are due over on Friday/whenever. I need to let you know that DD isn’t going to be allowed to eat sweets/treats/crisps/chocolate etc as it’s so bad for her. So please don’t buy anything special for her, she can eat what the adults eat.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 07:55

First thing. How often do you see her? If it’s once every 6 months then let it go. If it’s every week, then say something like “X and I are trying really hard to make sure that Z is having a healthy diet- she needs 3 sensible meals a day. I know you love giving her treats, but from now on, please can she only have 2 (?) a day. A pudding after meals is fine - then a packet of Smarties or something during the day but no more. That ‘s much more than she has at home so it will make her very happy! Thank you - see you on Sunday.”

Original poster
Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:56

Interesting consensus thanks all for responding. Might get DH to say it to her I just think there's more chance of her erupting with fury at him than me Grin X

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:56

it's once a week we see her!

OP posts:
Jessbow · 09/04/2018 08:02

Trail behind DD, as Nanna goes to give X say ''we'll save them for after lunch'' then let her have the treat after lunch.

Are you really there early enough every week for Nanna to be giving her iced Gems for breakfast?

0hCrepe · 09/04/2018 08:04

Oh gosh if she is prone to eruption then I’d actually avoid a direct conversation about it if it’s going to lead to you hate me etc.
Instead when she cracks open the sweets just let her have a couple and take the rest away ‘for later’. If dd starts up about more try and get MIL onside saying oh she’s desperate for sweets and not wanting to eat other stuff how did you get dh to eat healthily when he was little?

Riversleep · 09/04/2018 08:10

My DM does this, but then adds to it by complaining that the kids dont eat what she cooks for their lunch/dinner, then extrapolates from that not, as I tell her that they are full of sweets but that they are poor eaters . She then buys packs of multivitamins for them because clearly they are malnourished Hmm

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 08:14

And my DD is 1 1/2 and hasn't had that much junk in her life. I would look at this situation very much as one where I just needed to say a firm no, no reason given. That list of sugary crap from a single day was ridiculous! Step up.

LizzieDarcy1907 · 09/04/2018 08:15

Do it when you are with her. You just have to say that she can have occasional treats but not to replace meals and that you don't want her to get bad teeth.