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Original poster

I know I'm not being! Help me draft text to MIL

121 replies

Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:31

Dd isn't quite 2. She eats very well with us and with my parents.... three meals, fruit/ healthy snacks in between. Chocolate/biscuits as treats every few days normally....Definitely not adverse to her having treats.

BUT

when she sees MIL it's insane. A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning.

DD has stopped eating her meals when she's there and just asks nana for chocolate and sweets after dinner instead. I want to stop this habit now; have tried being subtle saying we only give her chocolate as a treat etc but it's not worked. Have also tried saying a firm no to DD when she goes in the other room and asks nana but nana just gets her it anyway when I leave the room.

Can you help draft a text I can send MIL that isn't going to cause WW3 but puts the message across firmly but nicely? We love her and she's a great nana but this needs to stop!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 08:17

Are you there while this is going on?

AjasLipstick · 09/04/2018 08:20

My Mum did this and I had to tell her about 5 times before it actually stopped.

I asked her to change the chocolate for a punnet of strawberries...made out that was DD"s fave thing in the world anyway AND healthy so thanks Mum! And she did it.

TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 08:28

Face to face or over the phone.
“ I need a word about sweets. I know you love to treat her, but this has to stop. No one wants smarties for breakfast, and it interrupting her idea of mealtimes. Plus she loves you as you are. I would hate it if she looked forward to seeing you out of ‘cupboard love’. So, one small treat after lunch, and that’s it.” . Any argument: “I realise you don’t agree, but this is Dh’ and my decision “. “I realise you don’t like it, but see how it goes”. “I know you don’t see it that way but we are following contemporary health advice just as you did with your children”. “It would be a shame if we had to take her home or stop coming”.

TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 08:30

The strawberry ruse is a good additional tactic.

Bekabeech · 09/04/2018 08:35

If she is likely to "erupt" at you and or ignore your requests then that is another reason to visit less frequently.

Yes I'd get your DH to say something first. But cutting down on the visits if she doesn't listen is the only response.

My Aunt tended to buy my little cousins presents every time she saw them, until her daughter said she'd have to bring them around less frequently if she continued. It worked (but my Aunt was reasonable is misguided.)

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 08:50

Tell her, in simple terms, to stop giving your child food that you haven't agreed to. "MIL, please stop giving my child food I have no agreed to" is a pretty simple text to send, and to understand.

Then, if she repeats the behaviour, stop seeing her: give her a few months to figure out what "don't give my child food I haven't agreed to" means without the distraction of you and your child. I'm sure she'll work it out.

Then we can all stand around and wait for the self-pitying whining on Gransnet (there's a corker on at the moment: "I send my daughter-in-law bible verses every day, and even then she doesn't want to see me").

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 08:50

when she sees MIL it's insane. A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning.

Why on earth would you stand by and not say anything? Confused I don't get it.

Smarties for breakfast? And all the other crap? Why aren't you speaking up OP?

You don't have to get into an argument with her, a simple line like " he can have a bit of chocolate after his lunch, today " if she keeps offering crap then you step in and repeat the above sentence.

lunar1 · 09/04/2018 08:54

Why can't her son just have a chat with his mum about it.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 09/04/2018 08:59

It bemuses me that you stood by and watched your dd scoff that lot rather than laughing and saying “no I don’t think so” and handing them back to MIL. But if you’re worried about explosions then that may be it.

Although if anyone “erupted” at me over my perfectly normal parenting I’d be picking my child up and leaving.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 09:02

But whatever you do, don’t use the child as a bargaining counter. Please, please don’t do that.

DayKay · 09/04/2018 09:03

Talk to her and say that too much sugar is really bad for dds health and teeth.
Tell her about current advice and the drive for 2 treats a day max so one treat and a pudding falls into that.
It’s on the nhs website if she wants to read about it herself.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2018 09:06

Why did you stand by and watch that happen without saying something?!?!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 09:07

But whatever you do, don’t use the child as a bargaining counter. Please, please don’t do that.

How is "please stop harming my child, if you continue to harm my child I will keep my child from you" anything but good parenting?

Allowing the MIL to harm a child in order to prevent "eruptions" is precisely "us[ing] the child as a bargaining counter".

Tell her. Once. Then, when it happens again, stop seeing her for as long as it takes for the message to be clear. Why waste breath on talking to people who aren't listening?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 09:09

Tell her about current advice and the drive for 2 treats a day

FFS. Just tell her "MIL, stop giving my child sweets". It's not up to the OP to convince the MIL of anything.

SundayGirls · 09/04/2018 09:11

Tell her a white lie. Say you took her to the dentist for her first visit and the dentist said he/she could see that your DC has a lot of sugar in her diet and warned you to limit the sweets etc. If you've asked your MIL already to stop and she hasn't then I doubt anything you say will make your MIL change, but hearing that a professional has said so might have more of an effect.

And it's a white lie as it could well turn out to be true in the future if MIL carries on like that. Anyway, you're not doing it to spoil MIL's fun, you're doing it for the good of your child so in my book all's fair in love and sugar disputes. It's whatever it takes.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 09:15

If you've asked your MIL already to stop and she hasn't then I doubt anything you say will make your MIL change

She can't give sweets to a child she isn't seeing. That might make her change, and if it doesn't, then it's her loss. Children need grandparents a great deal less than this sort of grandparent needs grandchildren, so she'll probably figure it out soon enough.

Grandparents are sentient creatures. They can understand "If X, then Y". "If you continue to mistreat my child, you will not see them". It's not hard. And if it is too hard (and if you pop over to Gransnet, it clear is too hard for some) then it's their problem, not the OP's.

Over on Reddit there are intermittent accounts of grandparents deliberately feeding their children (always their DIL's children) allergens in order to "prove" that the DIL is "wrong". It shouldn't get to that point. Tell your MIL to stop offering whatever it is she is offering. Then, next time, sever contact for as long as it takes for her to understand.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 09:17

I'm guessing the amount of sweets/crap the MIL has given the child has been exaggerated somewhat as I can't imagine any parent that's bothered by this doing absolutely nothing but just standing by and letting it happen.

Fossie · 09/04/2018 09:18

Just take the sweets off your child and say to MIL ‘we don’t give out treats this much as teeth/obesity/bad habits etc we will ration them out to Dd over time or you can have them back - which would you prefer?’

Laiste · 09/04/2018 09:21

The simplest way is usually the best. This is what i'd do:

Next time you go round keep your DD in sight at all times and monitor what she's eating at all times. As soon as the first junk food comes out say clearly:

''Oh MIL, we're trying hard to completely cut down on sweets for DD and stick to normal meals now. She can have a couple [of what ever it is] after lunch IF she's eaten some dinner.''

this is all said breezily while taking the packet off DD and putting it in your bag or whatever.

If more crap appears drop the response down to

''No she can't have it MIL, sorry. Like i said we don't want her to have junk food much at all now''

If more junk food appears you'll have to get cross and exhasperated.

''No MIL - she's not allowed!!!''

Do all this in one day so you don't have to go in heavy straight off and she can't say you haven't explained.

If she doesn't get the message all day then i'd not be taking her round next week get DH to explain why and go from there.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 09:23

“A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning”

What happened when you challenged this at the time? When you took the Smarties away and said “I’ll just make her some toast”

PellyBay · 09/04/2018 09:32

My MiL does this with my nephew, who is slightly older than our kids. She started doing it with ours, and my partner told her it had to stop. She would also give them constant tv and buy them everything they whine for even if it's blatantly ridiculous. It took a while to get the message across but she got it in the end. Even though she lies and says the tv is broken rather than saying no to them, which also does my head in, but you can't fight about everything.

It creates a bit of a rift that nephew is treated this way (SiL thinks we're crazy) and our kids aren't as they play together a lot, but I'm not prepared to compromise. A few treats/cartoons is absolutely fine (so long as healthy things have been eaten first and plenty of outdoor/imaginative play has happened too). To get round this, we include DN with our kids, have him round for tea several times a week and take him on outings and treat him the same as our kids to try to keep their relationship good.

Goldmandra · 09/04/2018 09:45

I can think of two days a year when I would accept chocolate for breakfast and sweets throughout the day. Those days are Christmas Day and Easter Sunday.

If your MIL would like to continue feeding your DD crap, perhaps she will only be able to see her twice a year?

Joanna57 · 09/04/2018 09:46

One day a week.

Wow.

Foggymist · 09/04/2018 09:52

My mil did this (well to a much lesser extent, I would never have stood by and watched that much be given to a child). She then stupidly told me that she hated seeing ds upset when I refused her constant treat offerings so she was telling me now that any day he was in her house he was getting a treat. So I did the obvious thing, I stopped bringing him there! 6 weeks we didn't visit, after being there 2-3 times a week previously. Treats were all dumped from her house, visits reinstated with not one treat offered ever, or I will leave again and stop visits again. Problem sorted.

(The reason it was me vs mil and not dh vs mil was because I visit with ds without dh mostly due to his work schedule, so it's always physically me and her together, not him)

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2018 09:58

As above.

DH tackles it - but, if that doesn't work - you simply stop going.

'I'm really sorry MIL but if you can't stop feeding her junk then we are gonig to have to cut down on visits. Perhaps you could come here every couple of weeks instead? - I'd hate for you to see her a lot less, but this can't continue. She now refuses to eat anything but junk when she comes to yours and is beginning to have issues with healthy food elsewhere too. It's so sad! You see tiny children with fillings and bad health who scream for sweets all the time and I never thought that would be our DD, but it will be soon at this rate. I'm sure you understand...'

Make it clear that she's not treating your DD, she's creating health problems for her. Make her embarrassed. Make her feel bad.

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