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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I'm not being! Help me draft text to MIL

121 replies

Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:31

Dd isn't quite 2. She eats very well with us and with my parents.... three meals, fruit/ healthy snacks in between. Chocolate/biscuits as treats every few days normally....Definitely not adverse to her having treats.

BUT

when she sees MIL it's insane. A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning.

DD has stopped eating her meals when she's there and just asks nana for chocolate and sweets after dinner instead. I want to stop this habit now; have tried being subtle saying we only give her chocolate as a treat etc but it's not worked. Have also tried saying a firm no to DD when she goes in the other room and asks nana but nana just gets her it anyway when I leave the room.

Can you help draft a text I can send MIL that isn't going to cause WW3 but puts the message across firmly but nicely? We love her and she's a great nana but this needs to stop!

OP posts:

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/04/2018 10:06

I agree withnot texting. To be honest if you are there for all of this and said nothing then this is your fault. Not saying anything is basically telling her it's ok, there is no point in seething internally.

You tell dd she can't have something and it's given when you are out of the room, you know this is happening, walk back in and say "Mil I said no", take them off your dd and let her tantrum, keep doing it. Tell if you say no it's no and if she does it anyway you will just leave.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 10:54

Interested in what you say to your children about not visiting grandma for 6 weeks?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 11:01

Interested in what you say to your children about not visiting grandma for 6 weeks?

"Grandma is making bad choices and cannot be trusted not to hurt you. So we think it is best that you stay away from her until she can behave".

And then a teachable moment about tricky people, not keeping secrets, that sort of thing.

Yes, it's a shame you have to have that conversation about a grandmother. But then it will only arise once said grandmother has ignored the initial warning. If it gets to the stage of not seeing the grandmother, it would be entirely the grandmother's fault for being willing to listen.

footballmum · 09/04/2018 11:04

We’d had this problem for years with MIL. Every time she saw DSs (3 to 4 times a week!) they’d get a big bag of chocolate and a can or bottle of their favourite fizzy drink. It was her way of showing love to them. However, after a couple of fillings and DS1 displaying some bingeing tendencies I had to put a stop to it. She pulled a face and thought I was being mean so in the end I pointed out there is no way in a million years she would eat a fraction of that chocolate (always watching her weight) so why did she think it was acceptable to give it to her grandsons?! That really hit home with her and she’s backed off. One (individual bar of) chocolate a week is fine but no more.

frasier · 09/04/2018 11:06

Interested in what you say to your children about not visiting grandma for 6 weeks?

We have asked Grandma not to give you things to eat that are bad for you but she won't stop so she is in timeout."

SaucyJane · 09/04/2018 11:10

My dad is the same with DD. I've now explained that she's spitting out healthy meals and demanding treats, and he has cut it back. He's also said no if she's been naughty.

I would talk rather than text. Texts can be misconstrued and as you get on, you don't want that.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/04/2018 11:27

Agree this is something to mention face to face. Gently does it though. I would approach it by saying that she doesn’t need to give her so much, you don’t have treats at home so a much smaller amount would still be lovely for your DD, she won’t know the difference and it will be better for her general health. Depending on your relationship and how old fashioned MIL, this might be better coming from you.

Make it clear she will still know that Nana’s is the place for treats and will love her for it, just not quite so many.

Blame it on the Health Visitor, say all mums get lectures on diabetes now so you are just trying to toe the line!

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 11:33

Ah right. And that's not using a child as a bargaining counter at all.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 11:35

I mean-telling a 2 year old her grandma "can't be trusted not to hurt you". That's not going to cause any problem at all......

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 11:35

I wouldn't be blaming the HV or the dentist or anyone else.

I'd be simply saying that the huge amount is of sweets is stopping because it's too much. She probably thinks it's fine because nobody has ever said otherwise.

MadMags · 09/04/2018 11:40

Jesus Christ! Imagine telling a child that “grandma can’t be trusted not to hurt you”!

Look, OP, it’s a lot but it’s also once a week, not daily.

You like her and she’s a good nana so no point in being confrontational and creating something.

If it was me, I’d approach it by getting her on board.

So talk to her about how dd is refusing meals and asking constantly for treats.

Maybe “it’s starting to worry us, so we think we’re going to cut down massively and just give her a small packet of smarties or something after she’s eaten a good amount of her actual meals. What do you think?”

If she’s nice (and normal) she’ll be happy you involved her and will be onboard.

RatherBeRiding · 09/04/2018 11:44

I wouldn't text, and I wouldn't use the dentist or HV to "blame". You're the parent. You don't want your child stuffed full of sugary junk.

If MiL goes to hand out treats, simply say "No thank you. We don't want DC to have this much sugar" and either remove DC or remove sweets and hand back to MiL. If DC follows MiL to next room to ask for sweets, follow them and repeat the "No thank you" line.

I also think it's for your DH to be firm here - it's his mother. And, if necessary, say that if she doesn't comply with your wishes you won't be able to visit.

You could also try asking her why she thinks its acceptable to hand out quite so much sweet sugary stuff. Does she genuinely think it's harmless? I'm far from anti-treat, but that's way, way, way too much and it's your (and DH's) responsibility to tackle MiL about it.

derxa · 09/04/2018 11:46

Jesus Christ! Imagine telling a child that “grandma can’t be trusted not to hurt you”! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Why do people go on like this? They'd never say things like this IRL.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 11:56

Jesus Christ! Imagine telling a child that “grandma can’t be trusted not to hurt you”!

MIL does X.

Parent says, "MIL, stop doing X, as it is harmful".

MIL doesn't care, and thinks X is perfectly OK.

For example:

www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/6b2s77/my_mil_almost_killed_my_daughter_now_im_spending/

MadMags · 09/04/2018 11:58

Except this grandma isn’t doing anything dangerous or that could almost kill this child.

She’s not going to die from this. It’s not great, but it’s no more than mildly harmful and if the child eats properly for the other six days in the week, it’s not that big a deal.

frasier · 09/04/2018 12:03

*"Except this grandma isn’t doing anything dangerous or that could almost kill this child.

She’s not going to die from this. It’s not great, but it’s no more than mildly harmful and if the child eats properly for the other six days in the week, it’s not that big a deal."*

SIL's children, fed junk by MIL and now in their teens, have no healthy eating habits whatsoever, have rotten teeth, are unhealthy to the point of their education suffering (one mostly eats biscuits, all day, everyday) and the eldest is seriously overweight and posts on FB about killing herself because she has never been a normal weight.

Oh yeah, no big deal

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 12:05

Op you poor thing.

It's excruciating when you have been polite and said please stop but she has totally ignored you and undermined you.

I do wonder whether some posters are unable to comprehend the type of person some people are up agaisnt.

You have already been polite and said no. She has ignored you.

I think let her blow up at dh.. So what! Why be scared of it.

willynillypie · 09/04/2018 12:05

I also think that there is a general issue with the MIL ignoring OP's authority as a parent. Regardless of what OP says no to (even if it's something MIL thinks is unreasonable), she is the mother and her decision ought to be final and respected. If MIL cannot respect your choices and decisions as a mother then she should not be allowed to spend time with DD. I say this because things might escalate - eg perhaps you do not smack and perhaps MIL will despite knowing this. I heard about one MIL once who insisted on giving the child a dummy although she didn't have one at home (and she KNEW this, just thought her way was better) - chaos ensued.

Also, feeding a toddler sweets to this extent all bloody day is just laughably stupid! I understand the desire to message as it's easier/less awkward than in person and pre-warns her about it, but I would probably get DH to call her and just say "Mum, can you stop giving DC sweets? We aren't happy with it, DW tried to tell you last time and we can't have it happening again". Wouldn't make up dentist appointments or doctor etc because as I said this is about it being YOUR decision and that being respected, and also MIL might well ask DD and she might say "dentist, what dentist?"

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 12:10

cub 😱 shocking but it doesn't surprise me.

I tried to explain my daughters unusual chest, breathing issues which can come on suddenly. Her eyes glaze over she gets bitchy and tells me she has managed to keep two dc alive and they had hoping cough once

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 12:11

She’s not going to die from this. It’s not great, but it’s no more than mildly harmful

So parents should ignore their children being "mildly" harmed because MIL's feeling are more important than their child's health?

Shizzlestix · 09/04/2018 12:15

Just tell her no next time. She’s not stupid, she must know you’re not happy about it. Don’t text, that’ll just pisss her off.

DonkeyOil · 09/04/2018 12:19

"Grandma is making bad choices and cannot be trusted not to hurt you. So we think it is best that you stay away from her until she can behave".

Seriously??

If it's one day a week, I don't think anything irreversible is going to happen to your dd. I'd let it go, on the whole. I certainly wouldn't start a family row over it. Obviously you can try and encourage MIL to cut down on the treats, or physically remove them from dd when she's had several, but it would be outrageous to say anything like the above to dc. Their relationship with their Grandmother would be tainted forever.

MadMags · 09/04/2018 12:22

Fraiser, the only way that MIL’s actions would have caused that would be if they were extreme, daily, in which case SIL should have done something.

So hardly comparable.

Honestly, people do like to be ridiculously dramatic on here.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 12:43

Yeah, frasier- obviously that was all the MIL's fault.

PonderLand · 09/04/2018 12:44

My parents do this with me, my son (2) is allergic to dairy and my dad will also sit there eating cake going 'mmmmm' and when my son reaches for it he says 'you can't have any it will make you poorly' cue huge meltdown. He insists on eating cake/biscuits at our house.

I wouldn't wait until she offers it again though just tell her next time you're there that you're concerned about her teeth or that she's not eating her meals. Is she babysitting for you? If she is then maybe reduce it and say only treats in the afternoon after lunch etc I think if a dgp is helping with childcare then some leniency is allowed. That much crap in one morning would annoy me.

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