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Original poster

I know I'm not being! Help me draft text to MIL

121 replies

Whatyoureckonwhatyoureckon · 09/04/2018 07:31

Dd isn't quite 2. She eats very well with us and with my parents.... three meals, fruit/ healthy snacks in between. Chocolate/biscuits as treats every few days normally....Definitely not adverse to her having treats.

BUT

when she sees MIL it's insane. A packet of Smarties for breakfast, iced gems as a snack then a lolly, jelly babies, packet of crisps, cake, sharing packet of buttons, and this is just what I witnessed in one morning.

DD has stopped eating her meals when she's there and just asks nana for chocolate and sweets after dinner instead. I want to stop this habit now; have tried being subtle saying we only give her chocolate as a treat etc but it's not worked. Have also tried saying a firm no to DD when she goes in the other room and asks nana but nana just gets her it anyway when I leave the room.

Can you help draft a text I can send MIL that isn't going to cause WW3 but puts the message across firmly but nicely? We love her and she's a great nana but this needs to stop!

OP posts:
Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 12:45

And why can't you the Mil, simply listen first time and cut back on sweets.

Why do people defend this to you the death on here? Most posters on this thread have agreed it is doesn't matter very now and then it doesn't matter if it were less crap in a good daily diet. But this is extreme?

Id love to hear from posters why the Mil can't simply listen to the first request and cut back m

Which is much simpler than everything else that always ensues

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2018 12:53

"Id love to hear from posters why the Mil can't simply listen to the first request and cut back"

Yes, she should. Absolutely she should. But if she gave the kid all that stuff under the mother's gaze without being stopped then it obviously needs to be spelled out . As many people have suggested. Without telling a 2 year old that her grandmother is incapable of keeping her safe. Children are not like little "rewards" to be given to grandparents at the whim of the parents. The relationship is a two way street. If a grandparent is toxic or abusive then no contact at all, obviously. But if they aren't then it is mutually beneficial and the child will lose as much, if not more from the "time out" as the grandparent does.

DonkeyOil · 09/04/2018 12:58

my son (2) is allergic to dairy and my dad will also sit there eating cake going 'mmmmm' and when my son reaches for it he says 'you can't have any it will make you poorly' cue huge meltdown.

Really?
Biscuit (for your Dad)

DairyisClosed · 09/04/2018 13:05

I would just tell a white lie tell you DH (this isn't your responsibility) to tell her that the doctor said DD was overweight/dentist found some huge cavities that will require tooth extraction if they get bigger and she isn't allowed to eat anymore crap or sonethinNG similar.

DonkeyOil · 09/04/2018 13:12

I would just tell a white lie

But no need to lie, the truth is just as powerful, and less complicated!

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 13:13

Did you you miss the the part that the Mil is likely to explode?

Do you think she sounds like a reasonable person who has had an over sight.
It seems pretty obvious to me this Mil pant that open to instruction however it's packaged.

PonderLand · 09/04/2018 13:27

@DonkeyOil thank you but he's had enough biscuits Grin

DonkeyOil · 09/04/2018 14:57

Grin Don't usually dole out biscuits, Ponder, but it seemed very unkind of your Dad. Have been trying to convince myself that he's not deliberately taunting your ds, just demonstrating his appreciation of cake in a rather thoughtless way? < hopeful >

Foggymist · 09/04/2018 15:46

Re: what I told my ds about not visiting for 6 weeks, he has just turned 3 so I didn't really address it because he didn't question it. The couple of times he asked were we going there I just said that no she wasn't there.

Shell4429 · 10/04/2018 17:45

How often does this occur? If it’s only once a week or less, I don’t see the harm as long as the usual diet is well balanced.

halfwitpicker · 10/04/2018 17:58

Crazy responses on here.

I can't believe you've kept quiet!

Dozer · 10/04/2018 18:02

DH should speak to her: his family. MiL is likely to “explode” at DH? Unacceptable.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/04/2018 18:05

Are you genuinely afraid she will erupt or start WW3 because you tell her that she must not give DD sweets and if she does you will intervene and take them off DD?

Really?

Well then, WW3 is clearly long overdue. Your mantra here needs to be "bring it on" instead of cowering from confrontation. You are the boss. She isn't. Sooner she knows it the sooner you can settle into the new calm where she doesn't step on your parenting toes.

hdh747 · 10/04/2018 18:06

We have asked Grandma not to give you things to eat that are bad for you but she won't stop so she is in timeout.
This - said to grandma. Grin
That just tickles me.
How about a face to face chat with MIL that tells her exactly how many treats she is allowed to offer on your visit. She oversteps, you leave early. No drama, just time to go.

Joanna57 · 10/04/2018 18:12

If my DD even attempted to tell my DGS that he couldn't see me and Grandad, for ANY reason, then there would be real trouble.

You silly lot are acting like it is the crime of the year.

You all need to just simmer down.

TALK to the Grandmother, talk to the Grandad, talk to the child.

TALK.

You all sound rather barmy.

cheval · 10/04/2018 18:17

Have your other halves got any teeth left after presumably also growing up on this diet?!? I’d also tell her to her face. Your child, your rules. Don’t bother being subtle.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 10/04/2018 18:20

How often does this occur? If it’s only once a week or less, I don’t see the harm as long as the usual diet is well balanced.

Smarties for breakfast? That should be happening once a year, if that.

It's like your MiL is going over-the-top with the junk food to treat your DD and affirm their bond. You need to ask your DH to let your MiL know that she can't be feeding your DD this much junk food.

Does your MiL have normal, healthy food in the house? Like cereal, fruit, bread etc?

HelenUrth · 10/04/2018 18:25

"Erupting with fury"?
Ah one of those.

She needs boundaries, with consequences for stepping over said boundaries, so perhaps both of you could sit her down & tell her if she gives YOUR child junk, she won't see the child for however long. Treat her as the brat she is behaving.

Yes she'll explode probably, but the sooner she learns you mean what you say, the less grief you will have as parents.

Short term pain, long term gain.

Ironmanrocks · 10/04/2018 18:42

Haven't read full thread, but when people (not just in laws!) did this to me I took the item from my child and said brilliant, thanks, thats really kind but they have had enough today so we will take it home for later. I then had a big tin that got filled and I didn't need to buy any treats as it took months to work through the tin - that was constantly replenished!!

Fontella · 10/04/2018 18:48

Sometimes I honestly think I'm living in a parallel universe.

Let her 'erupt with fury', let her do what the hell she likes.

She's 100% in the wrong here and what she's doing is actually harmful to your daughter. That amount of sugar and processed crap into a not yet 2 year old?? I'd be going apeshit If it was my daughter not agonising over how to approach MIL without upsetting her.

I'd be telling her straight to her face it has to stop and it stops now and if she doesn't like it tough shit.

What is there to agonise over? Just do it!

Shizzlestix · 10/04/2018 18:55

My parents do this with me, my son (2) is allergic to dairy and my dad will also sit there eating cake going 'mmmmm' and when my son reaches for it he says 'you can't have any it will make you poorly' cue huge meltdown. He insists on eating cake/biscuits at our house.

That seems just plain bloody nasty, frankly, so he shouldn’t be offered anything your son can’t have while at your house. Why is he? Is there not a nice free from alternative your ds can have? Or just don’t bloody give your dad the treats.

Sallybates · 10/04/2018 18:56

Definitely a task for your partner! Send a couple of texts saying what a great grandma you think she is and then follow them up with a killer one asking for her help to save your child’s teeth as a friend has had to get fillings for her child who went to bed sobbing in pain!

BrownEyedGirlv2point0 · 10/04/2018 19:26

My MIL does this too. My DD is only 16 months old. I usually give DH a look to say something but most of the time nothing happens. I usually just walk over and let her have a few more bites before I take the rest (usually a cookie) away from her. Thankfully she loves fruits and veggies and I offer her those as a replacement that she gladly accepts. MIL is shocked that she eats vegetables. Grin

CrispyCrackers · 10/04/2018 19:30

I don’t remember the age (maybe 3?). but I got my kids to ask me for permission before they accepted treats. My MIL would offer and offer and offer sweets, crisps, coke and all sorts of other crap and my kids would just refer her to me. I’d remind the kids beforehand and praise them afterwards. I know the OPs daughter is still too little to do this.

hdh747 · 10/04/2018 19:52

My parents do this with me, my son (2) is allergic to dairy and my dad will also sit there eating cake going 'mmmmm' and when my son reaches for it he says 'you can't have any it will make you poorly' cue huge meltdown. He insists on eating cake/biscuits at our house.

Unbelievable. Sounds to me like dad thinks 'this allergy business is a load of nonsense' and is trying to make a point. I've seen this before 'there was none of this allergy nonsense in my day...'

No way would I let him eat cake and biscuits at MY house if he was behaving like that.

But there's loads of dairy free stuff out there that anyone can eat. We have to make stuff that is gluten, dairy, sugar, and grain free to accomodate everyone's dietary needs and it just gets served to everyone. No complaints so far.