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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my mother and father for not coming to see us

113 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:15

We live in a different country, about 20 hours away from them by flight. They are currently on holiday for a month and onr hour by flight from us. But chose not to come see us, nor invite us to join them certain part of the holiday. Just claiming it’ll be too stressful to hop over to see us as they’ll be doing so many sightseeings and meeting up with old friends and relatives.

I’m hurt as I have two children aged 3,5 and 1. The 3,5 loves her granny as we skype often and I’ve brought them to see the grandparents twice within the last 12 months.
My mother claims we go back to see them anyway so no need for them to stop over here.
We live in a beautiful and peaceful country often an exotic holiday destination for outsiders.

I told my mother what I thought, now she just ignored what I said and still held the line “ we are far too busy to come see you or havd you meet us up”.

Family eh?

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/04/2018 05:18

That’s really hard. I think your parents were U not to visit you as part of their holiday, but that moving 20 hours flight away risked negatively affecting your relationship with them and that this seems to be coming to pass, sadly.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 05:19

Have you told your parents you were hurt by their decision not to visit or include you and the family?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:27

Yes I did tell them. Just now, one week into their holiday where they have been posting lots of happy pictures of their sights and what they ate as part of their holiday. They are flying to 3 different destinations and where I live would be 1 hour flight away from one of the destination they’re going to, and 1,5 hour away from the other one. They will also use tour buses etc to get around.

I do feel hurt but the parents take no note on it. To add to the injury it’s DC’s birthday coming up in a week, bang in the middle of their holiday.

OP posts:
Uniglo18 · 09/04/2018 05:28

Actually she's done you a favour because the next time they pressurise you to fly home, you can use the same excuse back. Put your big girl pants on and prioritise your family first and your the parents will have to wait. I used to go home every school holiday because my kids love my family similar to your dc. However, everybody is busy to do anything with us but when we're home we see Facebook pictures of meals & days out. My mum apparently can't hop on the train to visit me but can make a transatlantic flight to visit her family. So instead of arguing about it, I've prioritised my kids first which is why we're on a s/c holiday this week instead of visiting my family.

We're also booking a week away in the summer with friends and half term abroad. My mum has asked the inevitable 'when am I going to see my grandkids question' which I've ignored!

Live your life and live it well op and create fun memories for your children with or without your parents.

himalayansalt · 09/04/2018 05:28

Yanbu. They don't seem to care for you at all! How can you continue a relationship with them after this? Or is there more to the story?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:34

No more to the story. I’ve often brought DC1 back since aged 3 months. They’re just selfish parents, always been like this when I was growing up but their true colour is showing more as they age. They would leave us children at home with our grandparents while they went on month long holidays without us.

They are very good with the grandchildren hence I still keep in touch with them.

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/04/2018 05:34

So you’ve (only just?) told them, that’s good. Their reaction is not as you hoped, but still good to be honest and express your anger and upset.

As a PP says you might want to reflect on how frequently you travel to visit them in future given the long distance and cost and their seeming intention not to visit you when they (currently) have the health and means to do so.

Similarly you might want to reflect on the extent to which you encourage the DCs’ “virtual” relationship with them. If they will always be living 20 hours away with visits once a year or so it’s likely to be a fairly distant, sporadic relationship (which is OK).

Your DC’s birthday is by-the-by IMO.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 05:35

OK, so that is significant “back story” about their parenting and your feelings about that.

closephine85 · 09/04/2018 05:46

I guess possibly not given your latest post, but you don’t suppose there’s a chance they were/are planning to surprise you by just turning up?!

Bowerbird5 · 09/04/2018 05:56

That is really upsetting for you.
My sister did it once. Came over but didn't tell me she was coming. Spent the time with his family. I hadn't seen her for a couple of years and would have been glad to just see her at the airport between flights. The airport was an hour and a half away from me. She thought I wouldnt find out but her brother in law turned up where my husband works( their paths sometimes cross) and spilt the beans. I made a point of ringing her and asking her if they had enjoyed Christmas. I asked if she had gone to our cousins annual Boxing Day party and could feel her squirming. She didn't let on. I felt really let down.
How must you feel and your children. Have they even seen your one year old. I can't imagine doing that to my children. Not sure I would want to Skype them for a while. Could you be too busy a few times.

ThisBabyIsAnOctopus · 09/04/2018 06:12

Yanbu- how disappointing for you. I get it, and my parents are v similar. At the end of the day, if they’ve always been selfish they’re not going to change now. Agree with other posters (and it’s something I’m working on myself) to prioritise your own family and needs

KC225 · 09/04/2018 06:17

I can imagine that would be really hurtful. But why wouldn't WANT to see you and the grandchildren - I would be furious. Children of that age change so much.

Perhaps review how much effort you put in - as they think there is enough contact and they don't have to make any effort at all.

Angrybird345 · 09/04/2018 06:24

Stop going back to see them so much then. Great reason not to do so next time they want to see you.

BalloonFlowers · 09/04/2018 06:25

No, YANBU. Its pretty shit.
We've got DHs parents here for the first time in 3 years. MiL has already said its a shit place, and they arent coming back. I get it, it is a shit place. But its also where their son and grandkids live (and me, but hey, im pretty low on the priority list).
But hopefully it frees you up to jot always go back home for every holiday. Go somewhere else, explore, have a break - a proper one, not one that involves visiting everyone, and he er doing anything just for your little family. Flowers

Iloveacurry · 09/04/2018 06:30

Very hurtful. Wouldn’t be rushing to visit them anytime soon.

PrimeraVez · 09/04/2018 06:33

I had a similar(ish) situation with my parents a few months back. We live overseas (7 hour flight) and my parents came here for a week long holiday with some friends. I offered for them to stay with us (we live in a really nice area, have plenty of spare room, a pool etc) but they chose to stay in a hotel instead. Fine, their choice.

I suggested that we meet up on several occasions - I offered to host them (and their friends) at our house for a BBQ, I suggested we meet at their hotel for drinks etc, and they just weren't interested.

I was really annoyed/upset because our DS is their only grandchild and they are forever making comments about how much they miss him, about how hard is not having us live nearby etc etc. And yet when they had the opportunity to spend lots of time with him, they instead chose to spend it sat around the pool getting pissed with their mates from the same village back home.

In a weird way though it was quite liberating - before I used to feel horrendously guilty about not going home to visit them as regularly as they would like. Normally we would fly back to the UK each summer to see them, rather than go on a family holiday elsewhere. This year I'm saying fuck it and we're off to Cyprus, just me, DH and DC.

RidingWindhorses · 09/04/2018 06:35

They clearly take it for granted that you will always go to visit them.

If you don't they might make more of an effort. And if they don't - well that tells you what you need to know.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2018 06:35

My brother and his wife are like this. Were driving within a couple of hours of our house when we lived abroad. Had it all arranged that they’d come. Then they decided they wouldn't. They’d done this on more than one occasion (ie were just about to book flights for x day). Dh and I used to snigger to one another that perhaps they’d be calling us “today” to pick them up from the airport - flaky. This time they did come when dh got involved but they were pretty rude.

They did the same thing when we moved back to the U.K. This time it would have been a 5 min detour to drop in for a cuppa to say hello. After letting us down on plans on the day (we’d only just told dd they were coming and then they changed their minds), we stopped telling dd about plans until they were actually en route.

It’s a real shocker when people tell you how they actually feel. It does take time to sink in. So now you know. At some stage your dd will notice. And you’re going to have to teach your her that she is lovely and wonderful. That how her grandparents are with her, isn’t a reflection of who she is and that we are not in charge of everyone else. Comfort her, give her lots of love.

I also know that my dd comes way lower on my mother’s priority list behind my brother. Probably behind his son as well - being male. I deffo am way down the list anyway. Below my dd at any rate. Dd hasn’t realised where she is in the pecking order... yet. Hopefully she will be resilient enough when she does. I’ve taught her all I can. And she now sees grandma being a bitch to me. I no longer hide it. Dd is almost 10 and sadly she needs to learn how the woman is in case she’s ever hurt herself. Undoubtedly she will at some stage as my mother has already done hurtful things to dd, she was just too young to be aware.

bimbobaggins · 09/04/2018 06:42

I would be raging with this and not make any plans to return home to see them anytime soon.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/04/2018 06:58

But you moved away, so everything is your fault and you must be punished. Didn't you know? Or this has been very much my experience, anyway.
I was really annoyed/upset because our DS is their only grandchild and they are forever making comments about how much they miss him, about how hard is not having us live nearby etc etc.
This too - all the words, none of the music. Lots of protestations, but no actual effort to keep contact.

OneStepSideways · 09/04/2018 07:00

How strange and hurtful. Are you sure they're not planning to surprise you??

zen1 · 09/04/2018 07:05

I think you need to re-evaluate if you are happy to be the one putting all the effort into ensuring that they see their grandchildren.

Flomper · 09/04/2018 07:07

My in laws are exactly the same. They live across the channel an easyjet flught away so hardly a long way. They never come ro visit and when we used to visit them they would complain about how stressful it was. Yet MIL is constantly moaning on FB aboyt how much she missed her granskids. Youngest ones don't even know who she is. I don't know what the answe is. Its a shame.. I would never treat my kids like that.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:18

I know they are not planning to surprise me! They know we’re going away next week and they know my husband travels a lot for work and need to make prior arrangements to accomodate them if they do show up. But they won’t show up.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/04/2018 07:24

You exited from their life.

I don't blame them for not making the effort.

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