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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my mother and father for not coming to see us

113 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:15

We live in a different country, about 20 hours away from them by flight. They are currently on holiday for a month and onr hour by flight from us. But chose not to come see us, nor invite us to join them certain part of the holiday. Just claiming it’ll be too stressful to hop over to see us as they’ll be doing so many sightseeings and meeting up with old friends and relatives.

I’m hurt as I have two children aged 3,5 and 1. The 3,5 loves her granny as we skype often and I’ve brought them to see the grandparents twice within the last 12 months.
My mother claims we go back to see them anyway so no need for them to stop over here.
We live in a beautiful and peaceful country often an exotic holiday destination for outsiders.

I told my mother what I thought, now she just ignored what I said and still held the line “ we are far too busy to come see you or havd you meet us up”.

Family eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:55

They’re rigid and conservative but they could’ve planned us into their itinerary when they first made it. They are in this region for 33 days, over a month.

OP posts:
ferrier · 09/04/2018 07:56

@speaking

Did you miss that the op has visited the parents twice within the last year? That can't have been. Easy with two young dc.
Most normal parents would put themselves out a teeny bit to visit their dd and gc Hmm

speakout · 09/04/2018 07:59

Twice in a year is hardly any contact.

JassyRadlett · 09/04/2018 08:02

On threads like this I find it easier to ignore the ‘you dared to move more than a 20 minute walk, you deserve to be cast into the outer darkness for eternity for your sins’ brigade.

CallingDannyBoy · 09/04/2018 08:03

I think it is really shit of them and I would be upset and reconsidering how often I visited in the future. In a month they could easily have planned something with you especially as you were happy to travel to see them. They couldn’t be bothered to make the effort and put what they wanted first.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 09/04/2018 08:03

Speak - don’t project your own issues to the op.

Many families living in the same country would not see regular Skype and twice a year visits as unusual.

OPs parents just don’t give a fuck.

It is hurtful.

Unfortunately we don’t get the parents we want or deserve. We get the ones we get and sometimes we get people with all sorts of unresolved issues.

Her parents just don’t really care. It’s not unusual but is still hurtful.

cafenoirbiscuit · 09/04/2018 08:07

My PIL haven’t visited in 11 years, and moan we don’t visit them - not easy with 3 kids and full time work. We’ve given up inviting them now. Our kids have little to no relationship with them - and are fine with that. It’s taken DH and I a bit longer to be ok with it. It’s not what we would have chosen but it’s the way it is and it hurts.

Outlookmainlyfair · 09/04/2018 08:12

@Speak you seem to be missing an important fact that it takes both sides of the relationship to make things work. A one sided relationship is no relationship, or at least one that is doomed.
I’m with OP I would be very upset!

BiddyPop · 09/04/2018 08:15

2 visits in the past year, both involving 20hr flights each way - that's 80 hours flying for small DCs!

On top of weekly Skype chats.

That's not abandoning the relationship...

KoshaMangsho · 09/04/2018 08:20

Well my parents come to stay once a year for a couple of months and same with the in laws. And see more of the DC than BIL who lives a 7 min walk away. We saw him for 4-5 hours a month if we are fortunate.
Contact doesn’t have to be physical. We FaceTime all the time. They and the in laws get regular (several times a week) update. We travel to our home country for 2-3 weeks of the year.
In return my children are getting a better life, more opportunities and actually we have family here too- my sister lives 3 hours away. So decision to emigrate are not made easily.
Speakout has many issues on the subject as the left behind sibling.

IIIustriouslyIllogical · 09/04/2018 08:21

You moved away on your terms, they get to see your kids on your terms.

Maybe they just want to have a holiday on their terms? Sounds like they've got a pretty full itinerary?

My parents moved to another country & were then surprised when I didn't fall over myself to go & visit them loads even though it's a "popular tourist destination"

deplorabelle · 09/04/2018 08:21

My parents only live 200 miles away and are like this. They used to meet up with us occasionally on the way to the airport for their many many many holidays. We would have lunch, during which they'd spend a lot of time moaning about having to schlep to Heathrow (most times they would take a connecting flight so it was only when the travel agent was "useless" that we got to see them this way). It was only ever lunch and they would never wait for the children to come out of school to see them do they didn't see them.

A few years ago I discovered they still use my town as a handy stopover point without telling me they are there. So they have lunch a mile from my house and don't call in.

I find it sadly comforting that others have the same issues with their parents. I'm sorry I don't have any answers. I think my mum is probably in early stage of Alzheimer's now so I've given up ever fixing it

KoshaMangsho · 09/04/2018 08:21

Also i think the left behind sibling whose parent was never grateful for the care but whose emigrating sibling was seen as the golden child. Which is the VERY opposite of OP’s situation.
I would venture that Speakout has mother/family issues that emigration has only exacerbated.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 09/04/2018 08:25

That’s horrible. Such a shame for the children too.

My dad chose to move to another country when he remarried. He regularly returns to this country and is usually with friends either half an hours drive or 3 hour drive from us. BUT it is never convenient for him to come to us and they always come up with a reason that me going to where they are is no good either.

They won’t stay with us as we can’t offer the sort of facilities that his wife demands.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 09/04/2018 08:27

In a way, I can see it from their point of view too. I am British, husband is Korean so of course there is always one set of parents on the other side of the world. We’re in Korea these days so even though we wanted to go to Europe on holiday, we can’t really without my family getting insulted that we didn’t visit them. I don’t want to spend EVERY holiday going to see them especially when in Korea we only get 10 days holiday a year.

If it’s always you making the effort it’s a different story though. I’d take that as meaning that you don’t need to go and see them as often as you do.

diddl · 09/04/2018 08:27

We moved in 1999 & ILs have never visited-result!!

Op, it must be hurtful that they are so close but won't make that extra effort.

But why are you surprised & why are you so keen for a relationship between them & your daughter?

GnotherGnu · 09/04/2018 08:28

I'm in two minds about this one. The reality is that "only and hour's flight" actually takes half a day out of their holiday each way when you factor in travel, arriving early to check in, etc etc; and going to a large town wouldn't necessarily be everyone's idea of a good way to spend a holiday.

TinyTear · 09/04/2018 08:28

Just found speakouts other thread as it was also on 'trending'
She is the martyr type who wouldn't even take a family holiday to look after her mother, so I guess that is why she is ranting against the OP here

OP, I agree with you, it is hurtful, so I would reduce the skype calls as well as you might be too busy having fun...

speakout · 09/04/2018 08:32

She is the martyr type.

So a carer is a martyr.

You are delightful.

StealthNinjaMum · 09/04/2018 08:37

YANBU, this is upsetting and lots of my friends feel like their parents or inlaws don't make an effort to see their grandchildren. My inlaws and mum live 40 and 60 minutes away and yet rarely bother (although pils will go abroad twice a year to see bil / sil and their children). It is painful at first but I have just stopped engaging and I let them make contact. They justify it with busy lives - hobbies, members of clubs, important diy to do there's always a bigger priority than my dc.

The thing is that there is nothing you can say that will make them have an epiphany moment or realisation of how selfish they've been. You can find a dozen ways of trying to communicate but they won't get it so really you need to learn to find a way of not caring so much.

Beamur · 09/04/2018 08:37

OP, you have my sympathies.
My Dad lives about 7 hours drive away. In the last 5 years, I've maybe seen him twice, once at my wedding and once at a funeral. I've offered to call in, as was near his house, but wasn't welcome (stepmother issues abound) and have just got back from a final try at visiting him (pre-arranged months ago) only to be met with a more urgent family matter elsewhere. Didn't see him.

ALittleAubergine · 09/04/2018 08:47

I've only ever had friends do this. It's hurtful nonetheless. It's basically the same as saying we don't want to see you that much really.

CornforthWhite · 09/04/2018 08:55

Don't send a whatsapp message saying they'd visit your brother.
It's really hurtful but they are just being selfish with their own holiday as they are confident that you'll visit them.
It's really poor of them. The only response is to keep everything the same (skype etc) and then holiday where you want to.
I was an expat for 10 years and visiting family isn't a holiday. We did it a lot obviously, because we wanted to, but it was exhausting. Family visited us to we had a good mix. That's what you need to aim for.
Make proper holiday memories for your kids and shrug when your parents begin to question things.
Don't break a relationship, just adjust their mindset in the most gentle way.
You want a better relationship with them so don't go about messing it up. You can only change your own actions not theirs.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/04/2018 09:05

How hurtful, I just don't get this at all.

BanyanTree · 09/04/2018 09:08

I am a long term ex-expat so understand your pain.

forever making comments about how much they miss him Classic GP dig at their child. Try asking her to look after him during one of her bridge sessions or coffee mornings and you'll see how much she wants to see her GC.

As for the destroying a family comments. What a load of BS. People live and work all over the world these days. It is great life and work experience. OPs DC will probably be having a much better life than they would here. Mine did. Others are right that you need to focus on your own small family.

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