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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my mother and father for not coming to see us

113 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:15

We live in a different country, about 20 hours away from them by flight. They are currently on holiday for a month and onr hour by flight from us. But chose not to come see us, nor invite us to join them certain part of the holiday. Just claiming it’ll be too stressful to hop over to see us as they’ll be doing so many sightseeings and meeting up with old friends and relatives.

I’m hurt as I have two children aged 3,5 and 1. The 3,5 loves her granny as we skype often and I’ve brought them to see the grandparents twice within the last 12 months.
My mother claims we go back to see them anyway so no need for them to stop over here.
We live in a beautiful and peaceful country often an exotic holiday destination for outsiders.

I told my mother what I thought, now she just ignored what I said and still held the line “ we are far too busy to come see you or havd you meet us up”.

Family eh?

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 09/04/2018 07:25

You exited from their life.

I don't blame them for not making the effort.

Et voilà, you must be punished. Hmm

speakout · 09/04/2018 07:27

Natural consequences of a catastrophic decision.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/04/2018 07:28

a catastrophic decision

WTF?

missbonita · 09/04/2018 07:29

I wouldn’t bother answering calls/emails or visiting for a while. Then decide what you want to do on your terms, if you like visiting them do, but try other holidays and do what you want - like they do.

speakout · 09/04/2018 07:29

Tearing a family apart is pretty catastrophic.

IggyAce · 09/04/2018 07:32

I'm sorry op, I would definitely not arrange to fly home in the next year to 18mths, it is after all too stressful on such a long flight with 2 young children. Use holidays to visit places close by give your family the chance to experience more of the country you live in.

KoshaMangsho · 09/04/2018 07:34

Speakout has an odd reaction to people who emigrate. Are you the poster whose sister left their mother behind and she had to care for her?!
So no one is ever allowed to emigrate. Ever. Those of us who do (I live 10 hours from parents and in laws) are evil.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 09/04/2018 07:34

Believe people when they should you who they are.
Taking the phrase slightly out of context: They’re just not that into you.

Their fun, convenience, whatever takes priority over the family relationship with you and your family.

As pp have said, they may have decided your moving away was a big ‘fuck you’ and are giving the same back.

ChocolateDoll · 09/04/2018 07:34

But you chose to not be part of their lives? Confused

KoshaMangsho · 09/04/2018 07:35

Also I think the OP has already pointed out that they were pretty shit parents to begin with so no one was tearing any family apart. The OP only maintains the effort for the GC and not herself. So do get off that high horse please!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:41

As a matter of fact, I told them it appears you’ll be in country x, it’s one hour away from our capital, we can meet with you. Mother replied “oh we won’t stay in the capital, we’ll hire a van to take us to the mountains”. I said to mother it’s a national celebration in this region so DH gets near a week off we can come see you in the capital then head down to the beach. Mother replies “why don’t you and the children join us in the “mountain area”” (8hrs drive from the capital on curvy bumpy roads).. i said “ mum I can’t with two children, it’s ridiculous we’d go there, why don’t we meet in the capital or the beach”.. mother replies “ it’s too stressful as we already made plans and have our itinerary ready”. Note they didn’t book with a tour, they are basically going on their own visiting friends and family (not us) and going sightseeing. They are close by but didn’t think of meeting up or visiting us.

Yes both DH and I feel hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:43

We moved because of DH’s work. I don’t see it as tearing family apart. I see it as an opportunity for family to see another part of the world, a world where they also have some family and relatives left.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/04/2018 07:43

Maybe your parents feel hurt also.

speakout · 09/04/2018 07:44

OP you may not see it as tearing your family apart- but other family members may view it that way.

bimbobaggins · 09/04/2018 07:46

Are you one of the ops parents speakout. What a strange attractors.
My own sister emigrated and I would never take that approach with her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2018 07:46

speakout sounds like my mother. She never moved away from her mother because she “loved her too much”. Complete bs. Life was different and neither she nor my father needed to move for well paid work.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 07:47

That seems a naive view of how emigration affects others!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:48

My parents always favoured my little brother. Had it been him living here they’d visited in a heartbeat!

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:49

I feel like writing a WhatsApp message to let my parents know, if it were my brother living here with his wife and kids I’m pretty sure they would have come to see him in a heartbeat! Of that I’m pretty sure!

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/04/2018 07:49

“An opportunity to see another part of the world”. To travel great distance at high cost, probably.

Their decision and attitude is hurtful. There were past issues with their parenting, and those are continuing.

AJPTaylor · 09/04/2018 07:51

So they are saying "you can travel 20 hours with small children because we are worth it" and "we wont put ourselves out for 1 day of our holiday because you are not worth it".
Save your time money and kids from the effort of maintaining the relationship.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 07:51

OP you’re drip-feeding. It does seem like your family is dysfunctional. Have you had any support in RL to deal with that? If not there are reading suggestions on the stately homes threads in relationships.

0hCrepe · 09/04/2018 07:52

They do sound very rigid. Are they always this inflexible or is it just with you? They could just be those people who have to stick to their plans

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 07:53

Never dealt with it as a child or grown up, aka the dysfunctional relationship.

I just went to uni and never looked back. Cue, they always helped out financially as they are v well off. I even got a property gifted.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 09/04/2018 07:54

Speak not a fan of mobility then Wink

I've also lived and worked abroad.

My family visited me and me them. They were on holiday and so Was I.
Both parties managed to have their own holiday doing their own thing and also accommodate family time etc.