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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my mother and father for not coming to see us

113 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 05:15

We live in a different country, about 20 hours away from them by flight. They are currently on holiday for a month and onr hour by flight from us. But chose not to come see us, nor invite us to join them certain part of the holiday. Just claiming it’ll be too stressful to hop over to see us as they’ll be doing so many sightseeings and meeting up with old friends and relatives.

I’m hurt as I have two children aged 3,5 and 1. The 3,5 loves her granny as we skype often and I’ve brought them to see the grandparents twice within the last 12 months.
My mother claims we go back to see them anyway so no need for them to stop over here.
We live in a beautiful and peaceful country often an exotic holiday destination for outsiders.

I told my mother what I thought, now she just ignored what I said and still held the line “ we are far too busy to come see you or havd you meet us up”.

Family eh?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/04/2018 09:12

As a kid I spent every Sunday at one or other grandparents, when ocasionally, I'd rather have stayed at home. And as a student, on fleeting weekends home, I'd be guilted into seeing my grandparents, when quite honestly, I only wanted to see my mates. I always toed the line though.

I live 200 miles from my family, in DH's home town, and I'm lucky if they come up every couple of years. Lots of moaning if I don't make the effort every few months though.

We planned to go down for Easter. Nope; my mum is away for two separate weeks of holiday so its not convenient. Honestly the older I get, the less I can be putting up with it.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/04/2018 09:31

So a carer is a martyr.

The way you're framing it certainly seems to be.

Mix56 · 09/04/2018 09:33

I'm with you on this. parents can be very hurtful. It can work both ways though. Ultimately when I was visiting in the UK I sometimes didn't tell DM I was over or she would pile on the guilt, or would spend the days with her, but go & stay with my old friend in the evenings.(more guilt)
I also never got to see any of my old friends in other parts of England/Scotland, because I was expected to visit DM. (this was frowned upon by my brother) therefore every single precious holiday I was opposed to devote to DM....
meanwhile she flew to the other side of the world to visit my other brother for a month a year ! & spend pots of money spoiling them

IIIustriouslyIllogical · 09/04/2018 09:36

We were overseas for a decade, when we'd come back for our 3 week summer leave it was a round of visiting relatives - we never got any "us time".

I can totally understand why your parents just want to chill & do their own thing for a month.

They'll still get to see you & your kids as per usual won't they?

tenredthings · 09/04/2018 10:07

It's crap and hurtful. those saying it's a Consequence you moving abroad have clearly not read your op.
I live abroad and my parents didn't see my DD until she was 5 months old, even though we coincidentally had a stop over at the same international airport and I offered to take a later plane so we could meet up at the airport and they could see their grand daughter for the first time; involving no effort whatsoever for them. All I got was its too much bother for you ( meaning for them ) and too complicated for them to arrange !
I have had a lifetime of uninterested parents. I learned to set my expectations to zero so as to avoid disappointment. Now they are old and one has died the one left expects me to phone and visit constantly ... sigh !

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 10:20

OP you might not like my response.

I was going to give you my full sympathies and then I saw one of your updates, and to be honest now it sounds like you are both being stubborn.

From their perspective they've travelled halfway across the world and don't want to spend their limited time on holiday in the capital. It would mess up the rest of their plans and isn't where they want to be. They are happy to see you but in the mountains.

From your perspective, you have previously travelled half way around the world to see them and don't understand why they cannot do this for you now. You don't want to have to go to the mountains and it will be inconvenient for you to have to travel 8 hours further.

You probably feel they've come 20 hours the least they could do is stay in the capital so they could see you. They probably feel they've come 20 hours and the least you could do is travel 8 hours to see them.

You feel they expect you to inconvenience yourselves to meet their needs. They probably feel that you expect them to inconvenience themselves to meet your needs.

You're upset they won't come to the capital. They're probably upset you won't come to the mountains.

To be honest it doesn't sound as if they don't want to see you. It just sounds like you are both too stubborn to work out a solution or compromise. And both of you can probably list the reasons why you are the one that has compromised in the past and why you shouldn't be the one to compromise this time. But that's not going to solve anything.

ferrier · 09/04/2018 10:58

I can totally understand why your parents just want to chill & do their own thing for a month.

If the op took that attitude too then they would never meet.
It's sad, when visiting one's own daughter isn't seen to be 'chilling.

IIIustriouslyIllogical · 09/04/2018 11:30

It's sad, when visiting one's own daughter isn't seen to be 'chilling.

But they do see her at other times.

Holidays are holidays but seeing relatives & grandkids are a different type of holiday - very often the onus is on the grandparents to spend a lot of time with the kids, and that ain't "chilling" in my book......

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 11:53

Knowing my mother she just “offered” to see us in the mountains as it’s convenient for her and she knows it’s impossible for us to go there. It’s not the alps. The roads there are long and curvy and bumpy on dirt roads. With little ones it’s very hard as they won’t actually stop for you if they cry a lot. My sister did that road once and said it’s a nightmare but beautiful once up there. Not to mention it’s dangerous as well.
So it’s unreasonable to expect us to travel up there to see them with little children. It’s hard enough in the comfort of business class with little children so never mind on a mini bus for 8 hours to gods forsaken place!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2018 12:43

Deathstare

Have you lived the expat lifestyle? Because I have with all the demands and pressure from family to visit them on returning to the U.K. From an expats viewpoint ops parents are being incredibly rude. Moreover, they seem to be able to putting themselves out to see friends and relatives. But not op.

Just for example, how do you think our friends living in China would have reacted (when their kid was small) if dh and I turned round and said we aren’t coming to visit your come and meet us 8 hours away? That’s plain rude. On a longer holiday of 3+ weeks, it’s easy to factor in a visit to those, you wish to see.

Actually I suppose you could say dh and I are always living a quasi expats lifestyle because even though we are in the U.K., he’s not from here. Practically no family from either side (bar parents) ever bother(ed) to visit us abroad. Even when returning to either my mother’s or his father’s house family still expect us to drive to them. Dhs family live 5 mins down the road fgs and I finally put my foot down and said enough of running around these people twice a year when we get nothing back. It took some time to get to this point. It was the realisation that even when dh and I were just over an hour away from his family for 3 years, they still didn’t visit.

Very selfish.

ferrier · 09/04/2018 13:00

Holidays are holidays but seeing relatives & grandkids are a different type of holiday - very often the onus is on the grandparents to spend a lot of time with the kids, and that ain't "chilling" in my book

So the grandparents get holidays but the op doesn't - she gets to spend her holidays visiting the grandparents, complete with 20hr flights for the kids? Hmm

TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 13:11

They are very selfish and thoughtless, and I am sorry - very upsetting.

They clearly think it is your 'duty' to traipse across the world to see THEM. I would write to them and say you won't be ding that for a while.

"They would leave us children at home with our grandparents while they went on month long holidays without us" remind them of this and ask whether they now see themselves ever stepping into the role your grandparents did.

In your shoes, I would tell them you feel hurt and upset, and sad for your children that they have not made any effort to spend a couple of days out of a while month with you, given the logistics of travel.

You have little to lose, to be honest.

IIIustriouslyIllogical · 09/04/2018 13:28

So the grandparents get holidays but the op doesn't

The Grandparents get to revel in the fact that they no longer have dependent children and can do whatever they like!!

It's a lovely stage of life to be at.... Wink

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 09/04/2018 13:53

Not quite the same OP, but my father has never visited us in the nearly 11 years that we've lived abroad.

He can afford it, he just chooses not to.

I might not mind so much, but when I was a child he lived in a different country and I flew there 2-3 times a year to visit him, starting at the age of 6 and flying as an unaccompanied minor.

I've now come to terms with it, and see it as his loss. When I visit the UK I focus on seeing the family who do remain involved in our lives.

nerversaynever · 09/04/2018 13:56

I'm not surprised you are hurt and cross but it sounds as if the relationship has been difficult for years and as if they are generally selfish. Who leaves their young children for a month to go on holiday? Bearing this in mind, their response isn't very surprising.

You need to decide how you react to their behaviour. I would agree with lots of other posters that you should distance yourself and choose holidays that you, your DH and DS will enjoy rather than visit them abroad. You don't need to fee guilty. They are clearly not that interested in seeing you all or they would put themselves out to do so. That's what people do if they care about each other.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 14:09

I feel sad readinthis thread, it’s a sad realisation that my parents really are selfish and do not care :(

You’re all right, they were selfish then and selfish now. My mother especially.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 09/04/2018 14:19

Can they afford an 20 hour return flight? Are they physically able for such a journey? There is a big difference in price between short flights with in Europe for example and a flight to New Zealand etc.

nerversaynever · 09/04/2018 14:25

purple I don't think you have read the OP or the rest of the thread.

OP- you just need to do what is best for your family rather than running around after your parents in the hope that they may change because they won't.

purplecorkheart · 09/04/2018 14:37

Sorry ignore my last post. I misread one of your posts. Sorry

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 15:50

Yes they are able and have the money to travel around. ££ not an issue. In fact they have another big long trip planned in autumn already. Again it’s sort of passing my continent but won’t stop by nor meet up.

When i type it all out, I just realised I’ve been trying to win their love and approval by being compliant but in the end my brother could be the worst human being ever (thank god he isn’t but you get my point) and they would do everything for him.

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 09/04/2018 17:35

The Grandparents get to revel in the fact that they no longer have dependent children and can do whatever they like!!

It's a lovely stage of life to be at....

I hope I NEVER feel like this about my children!

snowagain · 09/04/2018 17:46

@Vanessatiger

I am going against the grain here.........

If you are only an hour away from each other, why can't you go and see them? especially as they went all that way...... They went on a 20 hours flight, but you can't travel a ONE hour flight to see them?! Confused

It works both ways.

And as has been said, YOU are the one who moved away 10,000 miles or whatever.

YABU.

bakingaddict · 09/04/2018 18:08

snowagain the OP did offer to meet her parents in the capital one hour away but her mother’s suggestion was for her to drive 8hrs to the mountains with young kids. Why bother posting if you don’t RTFT properly

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/04/2018 18:08

I just said i offered to travel to see them in the capital of where they are, one hour away, but my mother said they will only land there and go up to the mountains immediately, doesn’t want to stop for a couple of days to see us! She suggested I take the 8 hrs bus ride with two little kids to go see them in their hiking mode!

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 18:10

snowagain RTFT

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