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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fat shamed my colleague

511 replies

Notmyname2018 · 08/04/2018 20:03

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 09/04/2018 19:48

Curvy is now a polite way of saying fat/obese

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 19:51

From the link

"2 Years ago one of my legs started to hurt. I went to my “Hausarzt”, this is the doctor I first go to if I have any health-issues. (Fromm the story I read here I guess this is what you call a “GP”?). First of all: he’s a great man who tries to see his patients as whole persons and treat them like that. He sent me to a specialist for an ultrasound of my veins. He told me, that he thinks it might be lipedema or lymphedema and tried his best to explain what this means.
The appointed day of the screening was a couple weeks later so I had time to do some research of my one. I found out, that a lipedema was a chronic desease (genetic-based) which tend to become worse with the years. The small arteries are too permeable so that protein pass out in the tissue an gets connected to fat and water. As a result the fat is not accessible for “normal” weight loss cause it’s irreversibly bound in the tissue. As a further and more problematic result this can cause severe pain (because of the pressure in the tissue) and in some cases lead to immobility"

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 20:32

Ok' I'm really sorry you both have lipedema, but you are both Hijacking the thread, and I mean that politely. We understand the issues you face, and that some people may just think you have a weight issues, we understand you do not and people should not be judgemental.

The op nor the overweight woman appear to have this condition. I would politely suggest you start another thread about it. I am unsure what you wish from this one and I'm not sure you will get it either, so repeatedly posting about it will not gain you what you wish. As said, I'm sure everyone reading this recognises your condition is not due to poor lifestyle choices.. 💐

oldbirdy · 09/04/2018 20:53

bluntness
I realise it's a hijack.
I never claimed the OP's colleague had this condition and most of my posts have been in follow up to yet another person claiming obesity is virtually always a choice.

It goes like this:

  • Fat people choose to be fat, I work hard to stay thin
  • Hang on, have you heard of this common condition that predisposes to weight gain and is absolutely resistant to diet and exercise, that affects 1 in 10 women?
  • Pfft. Hormones. There's an obesity epidemic. It's a simple case of calories in vs out
  • I never said there isn't an obesity epidemic, just pointing out that there are, in fact, inherited conditions that mean it's not as simple as saying everyone could be slim if they had proper self control (and isn't this a feminist issue?)
  • Oh push off you are derailing. This person is fat through choice. Like the vast majority of them.

If just one woman has read this thread today and thought, hang on, maybe my thunder thighs and fat calves are not entirely my fault for being a disgusting blob who has no self control, I recognise that description...then I am happy.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 21:03

That's interesting oldbirdlady. It sounds bloody painful. There was someone at school who must have had this and I only realised this just now (many many years later).

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 21:11

But as bluntness has been trying to say (unless I've got it wrong), for MOST people it is a case of needing to eat less/better and not be so sedentary.

The existence of some conditons (however awful they may be for those with them) doesn't change the fact that most people don't have conditions.

That's what is frustrating about the overweight discussion. Somehow because some people might have a condition, it's taboo to state common sense which is that most people would lose weight and be healthier if they ate less crap and moved a bit more.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 21:12

Ok, hands up. Mea culpa. I shouldn't have said anything,

Keep,positing about lipedema. As said, I'd have thought it deserved s thread of its own, but it's not my business what you post about on this thread and if you prefer to utilise this one, then go for it.

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 21:15

Somehow because some people might have a condition, it's taboo to state common sense which is that most people would lose weight and be healthier if they ate less crap and moved a bit more

Yup. But I'm tired and I can't be arsed anymore.. 😔

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 21:22

it's taboo to state common sense which is that most people would lose weight and be healthier if they ate less crap and moved a bit more.

Ermm don't you think most people know this? Fat people do know they are fat you know? They really don't need the fat shaming police to provide them with their thoughts on how to address this. What should be taboo, but clearly isn't, is being rude and making comments about others people's bodies whatever size they are.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 21:24

FlyingBird
It came up (I think) because the OP was called vile and other names for daring to call herself curvy because that might upset someone overweight who likes curvy as a euphemism for fat.

I don't think the OP should apologise. If the person she works with finds basic facts upsetting (like someone can be smaller build and curvy because it is a body shape, not a polite term for fat) then that's her issue.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 21:31

What should be taboo, but clearly isn't, is being rude and making comments about others people's bodies whatever size they are.
It is possible to have a view and share the view online without walking up to someone and having a go at them personally.

I can't stand hearing people drone on about how it's impossible to lose weight because they're big framed/healthy eating doesn't work as they eat biscuits 3 times a day and plan take out most nights. In my head I'm thinking maybe stop stuffing your face with sugary crap as a starting point but I'd never say it to them because I'm not a dickhead.

Equally, I eat a good amount but it's healthy and I exercise 3-4 times a week. When people say 'I don't know how you eat that much and stay slim. I couldn't eat that much out without piling on weight', I'll openly say it's healthy meals and exercise. Again, I'll not tell them that their lunch of pot noodle and a kit kat and high caffeine/sugar consumption is probably not the best diet because that's not needed.

hopsalong · 09/04/2018 21:40

I would apologise.

I would also ask her to stop eating every five minutes at her desk. Not on. Any more than kicking the desk leg every five minutes or playing loud music or whistling.

Maybe the irritation you feel about the eating (justified to me, and has nothing to do with her size per se) spilled over into the other comment and caused you to be a bit passive aggressive. But I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to read her paean to curviness as a way of saying “I love doing this annoying noisy disruptive thing so stuff you!”

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 21:43

It is possible to have a view and share the view online without walking up to someone and having a go at them personally

Indeed and people do. Often forgetting that there are real people are online too. Just because people are online and behind a keyboard doesn't make words any less hurtful than walking up to them in real life and saying the word personally. I'm saying this generally btw, not at you particularly.

Daifuku9 · 09/04/2018 21:48

@MaisyPops, exactly all of what you just stated.

I hate that too. When I was in my best form and worked out daily, and followed a careful diet, heavy coworkers asked how I did it. They themselves stated they were keen on losing weight and would love to have a lean and athletic physique. I stated the truth, and was met with a disappointed look followed with a matching, “Oh...”

These ladies wanted the look without doing the work. They had McDonald’s and fizzy drinks daily, drank alcohol regularly, and their weight was not due to a medical condition. I had been there when they were not heavy and watched them start their bad habits and yes, gain quite a bit of weight.

They would ask about several times to get the same answer. It got annoying. As if asking once more would get a, “yeah, there’s a magic pill that does it.” No, and of course I never told them anything other than what I was doing (only because they asked), and I was never nasty about it.

Definitely possible to have an opinion, or face a fact, and not be a shit about it.

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 22:16

Eh? I'm not annoyed about fat people not owning it, I could not give a shiny shit, I was commenting on the scenario the,op posted and commented that many people were over weight due to,lifestyle choices. I stand by that.

Seriously stop attacking me because you don't like my opinions. It's a dick move.

Aylarose · 09/04/2018 22:16

I think she probably meant 'skinny thing' as a sort of compliment; as I'm sure she would love to be referred to as a skinny thing herself! She probably didn't know that you would find it insulting.

I think both you and she would have known that you were saying she was fat, not curvy, even if not explicitly!

The problem is that while you might both have been insulted by each other's comments; she is likely to face stigma due to her size and shape in many other situations whereas as a size 10 this is unlikely to happen to you.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 22:25

Noqonterf
Yes abd I would agree that blaming someone on line and saying 'you personally...' is as bad as saying it in person. But stating for most people eating less/better and being less sedentary is a choice they choose to make or not make isn't that harsh. If that makes sense.

FlyingBird
I don't dislike fat people.

I do question why people knowing they are overweight continue to make choices which are bad for their health (same for people who smoke, drink too much, eat lots of junk food regardless of size etc). I do question people who try to explain away their own poor choices & don't agree with the idea that everyone should tiptoe around and sugar coat the reality in case someone doesn't like the reality (note - it is not ok to be a total dickhead but nor should we pretend some choices are unhealthy or get into the same old I am 5 stone overweight but a friend's cousin was slim abd had a heart attack so I'm obviously healthier than other people logic). I do think leading a sedentary lifestyle is lazy.

If someone regardless of size opts to eat crap, make unhealthy choices and lead a sedentary lifestyle then I do think they are lazy.

LadyWithLapdog · 09/04/2018 22:28

Apologies as I haven't read the entire thread. Why is eating at the desk allowed? I think that's awful as it's distracting and can be smelly. I'd get annoyed hearing someone crunch through an apple, eating crisps or wolfing a takeaway. Eww.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 22:31

If someone regardless of size opts to eat crap, make unhealthy choices and lead a sedentary lifestyle then I do think they are lazy.

Often though there is so much more to it emotionally than this. There really is. Lazy is a lazy way of explaining away the problem, and very often I don't think it's actually true.

Degu · 09/04/2018 22:33

mumofkids sorry to hear what your daughter faces at school.

Panda81 · 09/04/2018 23:04

most people would lose weight and be healthier if they ate less crap and moved a bit more.

Would it be acceptable to say to someone with anorexia 'you would gain weight and be healthier if you ate more' and claim they were lazy or it was a lifestyle choice?

Factually.. yes it's correct. But we all know that it's not that simple to solve weight issues for a lot of underweight OR overweight people. For most I think it's related to a physical problem or a mental health/emotional problem. And we all know how poorly funded mental health is in the NHS.

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