I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

They all want someone slim and young. Even though most of them fit neither of those criteria themselves

Ha! Funny that. I’ve never done
old, but I do remember some piss your pants funny lonely hearts ads in newspapers where men (and it was always men sorry) specified the exact physical type of women they wanted (between 21 and 25yo, blonde, tall, large boobs etc). It was like they were ordering off a menu. Hilarious. I thought things might have moved on since then but clearly not!

Op thanks for the update. I think shes been fuming about your comment and has come in today with her tindr profile to show you what a hot mama she is.
And to insult you again with men prefer curvy crap.
Your response was the right one. Just smile and nod...

between 21 and 25yo, blonde, tall, large boobs etc). It was like they were ordering off a menu

Lol, I wonder how many actually got what they ordered. Even if I had ever fitted that criteria I would never want to be with a man like that.

I think the bottom line is that people feel the need to defend themselves by saying they love being curvy, or are slim but healthy not skinny, or whatever it is just because society is so judgemental in the main. So people have to bolster their own self-esteem all the time. About many many things. And lets be honest, making people feel inadequate about being a certain way sells an awful lot of stuff. Or gives you power over them.

But you know what, the fact that people are talking about it, and more importantly listening to once another, means we are moving forwards. However slowly.

I wonder how many actually got what they ordered

Yeah, I’m guessing not many of them! You’d almost feel sorry for them, but...

Yes, you should apologise. You shouldn't have risen to the bait. Clearly, you are anti-fat people as it seems anyone eating more than you is viewed with disdain.

I don’t see how men have anything to do with what size you are. Colleague sounds insecure if she has to use “men prefer” to validate her curviness.
I agree that people should just refrain from making unsolicited comments on other people’s bodies.

God the sensitivity on here. She should not have risen to the bait? So what it's fine for the woman to bait her by making negative comments about the ops body, but she's the one who should apologise for rising to it?

And yeah, we all know, from strip clubs, to glamour models, to OLD, that on average men prefer a partner with a healthy bmi. Im not sure why I'm being challenged on that. As do women when looking at a partner..

It is not mainstream to actively seek out an obese partner. It doesn't mean people who wish that in a partner don't exist, but for a romantic relationship which. Inc physical attraction most men want a healthier weight and it's no different when women are looking for a male partner, either gender seldom specify obesity as a preferred characteristic.

This thread is getting a bit repetitive tbh.

Curvy to me means hourglass. And you can be hourglass at any size, 10 or 18.

I'd leave her to it. There is a difference between 'fat' and 'curvy'...I'm only a size 14 and I'd certainly admit to being fat rather than curvy! Sometimes it needs told like it is, and she instigated it!

Could not help but laugh at her showing you her old profile this won't go down well but a size 18/20 is really overweight and unhealthy it's not curvy it's fat and Alot not every man but Alot prefer slim women. You did nothing wrong op.

Not RTFT but - just leave it.

It sounds a bit like a black person saying “I like being black” and then someone piping up with “I quite like being white”.

You probably didn’t mean much harm but you do come across a bit mean spirited talking about how she eats so much.

Thing is, like white people you will always be in a “preffered” group, and no one will look twice at you or make snarky comments regarding your appearance.

@zippey errr no...because at no point did OP say she likes being skinny or even referred to herself as skinny.

Your example is wrong. The second person should be mixed raced let's say and also "like being black" , then the first person replying " You're not black,you're white/mixed race". (Which would also be rude)
That's ofc if you want to be accurate and not compare apples and pears for full outrage impact.

I wouldn't apologise, there was nothing wrong with what you said and she was being condescending by the sound of it.

Also if she really loves how she looks as she claims then her feelings shouldn't be hurt anyway.

When I was a size 18/20 I had a 28 inch waist and flat tummy. It was my hips, bum and thighs that were big. It took recomp to reduce those but I was definitely curvy. I’m still curvy at a size 12-14 with my 24 inch waist.

Fair enough she attacked first but you should have corrected her by telling her you dislike the being called skinny, not stooped to her level with half-veiled insults.

By the way most of my family are 5 ft size 10s and looked like lumps of jelly compared to me even at a size 16; your dress size means nothing and tone means everything.

Article on the connotations attached to the word "skinny"

www.the-pool.com/life/life-honestly/2018/15/Marisa-Bate-on-the-word-skinny

oldbirdy i have that condition too. My grandmother had it.

Despite losing ten stone (i did used to be obese) my legs remained large. The right one is painful especially when im lying in bed.

Ive mentioned it on previous weight threads too and it never has any impact. You are wasting your time

It's so bloody depressing, Helena.
The fact is, I could literally starve myself and I would never ever have decent legs or a shapely ankle. So what's the bloody point?

Rose your dismissal of a recognised medical condition that predisposes millions of women to gain weight as "hormonal? Pfft!" Was every bit as rude as my ODFOD. Would you dismiss someone telling you that the BRACA Gene significantly increases the risk of breast cancer as "genes? Pfft!"? And if you did, do you think people with that gene might be a bit pissed off with you? Do you think your arrogant assumption that you know more than the NHS might be a tad rude?

The fact that lipedema is so very common and causes so much negative judgement against women, yet is so poorly known and ill researched is IMO a massive feminist issue.

YY old birdy I own two pairs of boots Both pairs are ankle boots My black pair came from Yours and goes up slightly higher I sometimes have trouble doing the zip up on the right one because of the swelling.

I have a lump to the left side under the kneecap on my right leg which has been there since puberty.

Both my legs are lumpy but the right one is worse.

oldbirdy that pic you linked of the woman with lipodema who has anorexia is horrifying

I wonder if she was told that if she lost weight her legs would get smaller.

When weight is being lost no one can control what part of their bodies it comes off of.

Telling women that it will definately come off legs/ breasts etc and then making them feel like failures when it doesnt is hugely misogynistic.

My weight kept on coming off my back and im now a 32HH bra size.

Of course the condition of which you speak exists, oldbirdy. However - and this is my point - that does not explain the huge rise in obesity in recent times. It is not due to any health condition, I think , but more likely due to overeating, eating fast food, drinking fizzy drinks and so on.
You are attempting to deflect from the real cause.

...I think, but more likely

Its not deflection Rose Not when ppl with the condition get treated like its our fault.

I was called tree trunk legs both in and out of school.