I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

You know what OP, you sound like you don't like her and imo come across as a bit of a bitch. Why the laughing at 'men prefer curvy'? because to you she isn't curvy? Did she say 'men prefer curvy and you'd have no hope?' doubt it.

Not saying her original comment to you was acceptable either but your comments don't sit well with me at all.

This curvy as a euphemism for fat thing causes confusion. When DH and I started going out, he described me to his work colleague as curvy as I have a small waist and ginormous arse.

Shortly thereafter we attended this colleague's wedding, and she said to him in surprise "oh, your girlfriend isn't fat!".

@oldbirdy, so 90% of people don't have lipoedema. 90% of people IS the vast majority. The vast majority of overweight people are fat because they can't control their eating.

They may not want to be fat but they are choosing to overeat.

There was absolutely no need for what you said OOPYou were being bitchy and now everyone has seen you for what you are

@ Travis1 No I didn’t mean it like that at all - I was laughing because men like all body shapes not just curvy. Gosh you have to be very careful with words on here 😂😂😂

Men do like all body shapes. 6ft tall supermodels and 600 pound people who lie on double beds in documentaries all manage to find boyfriends.

rose my sister is one such women. She had an eating disorder in her teens and is still a size 8 up top but has huge legs.

You did not ‘fat shame’ her (hateful expression), you repossessed the correct definition of curvy.

Fat is a medical and not a moral issue. If you are fat (and your colleague is) you are more susceptible to a wide range of illnesses. In addition you are not as mobile and this curtails your choices. In addition, on average, you are less attractive to the opposite sex (yes, i know there are exceptions).

Fat is fat, it is not ‘curvy’ or ‘larger’ (which could apply to a 6’0 athlete). These euphemisms do not help.

A day person can be brilliant, lovely and fascinating but it does not stop them being fat. It is not a moral issue in either direction.
Some fat people are happy fat, most (honestly) would prefer to be thinner.

YOLO
Except that not all women are overweight. Say 50 percent are. Most lipoedemic women are overweight so if it's 10 percent if all women, it might be 20 percent of fat women.

u don't like her and imo come across as a bit of a bitch. Why the laughing at 'men prefer curvy'?

I didn't read it like you did. I read it as a passive aggressive statement, she's already told the op in no uncertain terms she's not curvy as she believes she is, and has come in today and followed it up with informing the op that men prefer curvy women like her, thus implying they don't like "skinny" women like the op. Who actually won't be skinny just slim or a healthy weight. There was no need for her dig. Like there was no need for her to exclaim in Friday how she wouldn't wish to be skinny, inform the op she wasn't curvy and that she was just plain skinny.

But for the record, she is fat. It's a statement of fact not an insult.And no most men on average do not prefer fat women, they prefer a healthy bmi.

But for the record, she is fat. It's a statement of fact not an insult.And no most men on average do not prefer fat women, they prefer a healthy bmi.

Is there research into what most men prefer then? Do please post it. Sounds enlightening.

Do you really need to see research? Seriously?

I suggest you spend some time getting acquanted with google then. I'm not going to do it for you.

Bluntness100

Really enjoying reading your very sensible comments!

suggest you spend some time getting acquanted with google then. I'm not going to do it for you.

I wouldn't waste my time. I find that attitude towards other women really unpleasant and the type of men who would participate in such research, if it exists, equally unpleasant. Why on earth would I go and seek that out? Life really is too short.

@oldbirdy, but I've hardly ever seen any fat women with big legs and a slimmer torso. The fat is usually round their middle in most cases. The truth is that medical conditions causing obesity is the case for a minority - most overweight people just eat too much.

Even 80% is still a vast majority

I won't be convinced that taking away personal responsibility for being overweight is beneficial to anyone.
No but that's exactly the point, personal responsibility means it is their business, not anyone else's to judge. There's plenty of information out there on diet and healthy choices and if you are someone's health practitioner then yes you should be pointing it out to them. Otherwise, no.
We all know the difference between a positive general chat where we maybe share recipes or tips to help each other and the ones where we use health as an excuse to judge someone else.

Noqon,

Men don’t need to participate in the research these days. You can look at Tinder or any online dating site and compare approaches with weight. The vast vast majority of men prefer normal weighted women.

I find it so bizarre that people want to pretend being unhealthily fat is normal or great. It really isn’t. No one should be ashamed of being fat but equally it is not something to be actively proud of.

If you are fat you try to move more and eat less (I was overweight for a few years and did just that). If there are deeper underlying issues people should at least try to deal with them (I know, in many cases, this is not easy).

Why on earth would I go and seek that out

Well, ehrm, your post immediately before, you specifically asked for it.

And agree hdh, it's personal and no one has a right to make comments on someone's body, be they to a fat person or a thin person. That's exactly why the ops colleague was out of line. And Is still out of line today.

The amount of people on here saying it's ok to be negative to a slim person about their body is shameful. The op got roundly abused for her mild comeback/challenge, yet her overweight colleague was given a free pass by many people.

Let’s be honest, being curvy is specifically an hourglass/pear body shape: having curvy, wide hips with a small, dipped-in waist and a flat stomach. It’s completely distinct from being overweight/plus sized AND from girls that are straight up and down. That’s why it’s so desired, it’s an uncommon figure and you typically have to work hard at it if you’re not naturally blessed. Think a woman that was a size 12 on bottom but a 6/8 on top.

It’s all about the actual shape of a feminine figure. You can have this figure with small boobs, at a size 8, at any height etc. You are not automatically curvy because you have big boobs and are ‘voluptuous’ all over. I think with the trend of having a curvy figure and big bum, the lines have been blurred and plus sized women are frankly, incorrectly owning the term

Women who get far transfer surgery aren’t doing it to look like your average size 18/20 are they? They are doing it for that hourglass, Kim Kardashian figure. Being a size 18/20 isn’t curvy in the actual sense.

It’s funny, I think most of the posters on here actually agree; it’s not good to either judge or comment on anyone else’s weight / size. We’re now just arguing the toss now.

I think the op and her colleague sounded as bad as each other, as they were both making snide comments to each other over their respective sizes. Although the op has now said she won’t comment again, so fair enough.

The colleague definitely sounds like she’s protesting too much now and being weirdly competitive with the op over how attractive they each are. It really is embarrassing and saddening that physical attractiveness is what some women (the colleague and previously the op) want to compete over at work.

Op, you will definitely come out of it looking a lot more professional for not biting back. Good for you.

I had female colleagues who used to passive aggressively take chunks out of each other in a similar way at work; not for their weight, but for their dress sense. They got a reputation for being silly and bitchy and people started to take them a lot less seriously. I imagine the same will happen to your colleague if she continues.

Well, ehrm, your post immediately before, you specifically asked for it.

Yeah I suppose I did. Although I was expecting some proper research study rather than wading through dating apps to see the vile comments some men make about women's bodies. Although why any woman would want to be with someone like that anyway, regardless of their size, I do not know. Anyway, I just had a quick Google anyway, and it seems that plenty of men also like women who carry a few extra pounds as well. Seems to me the most critical people judging women's bodies seems to be the women.

oldbirdy

rose
Your "pfft" response was equally charming.

Rubbish. EQUALLY!?????
At no point does “pfft* tell YOU to fuck off dear.

HTH

@Noqonterf not in my experience of the men doing old. They all want someone slim and young. Even though most of them fit neither of those criteria themselves.