I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

Nobody in my department is large
Knowing your job Maisy I’m surprised at that - many women over eat due to stress and as a way providing comfort to themselves (in a way that harms fewer people than drinking or running screaming off into the sunset). Probably some of the same people who used to smoke to deal with stress but have now given up, for the health!

She skinny shamed you. Growing up my group of 'friends' were all bigger/curvier than me and I was constantly made to feel crap because I was the 'skinny one' (in hindsight I was the only one who could go out without multiple pairs of spanks and didn't have to worry about what I ate) but it really knocked my confidence through my teens/twenties.

It really bugs me the whole 'Curvy' thing by fat women (especially those 'Men like curves, dogs like bones' types). Curves are what you described, not having a big bum/boobs with a big tummy/legs/arms with it. They have no problem putting slim people down, but are the first to be the victim when something is said about fat being unhealthy/not 'curvy'.

Don't feel bad about it. She was being snide to you to make herself feel better and didn't like you being truthful when you hadn't even specifically aimed it at her like she had to you.

Maisy
I understand that lipedema doesn't explain every case of overweight. It probably isn't relevant in the OP's case given that her colleague does apparently eat constantly. However it is a significant contributor to women feeling shit about themselves and no one tells them lipedema is an inherited condition and not just them being fat and lazy - and it affects 10-15 percent of women, so hardly trivial or rare. Hopefully a couple of women reading this thread are having a lightbulb moment and realising some of this isn't entirely their fault.
What wrong with that?

I don't think anyone is saying you should be judgemental, of course you shouldn't, and clearly you shouldn't rock up to an overweight person and inform them of that fact, just like you shouldn't rock up to an underweight person and comment either,

However the bottom line is obesity is a major issue in our society, nearly 65 percent of the population is overweight, I think it's something horrific like 25 percent of children.

But when you say a lot of these people are overweight through lifestyle choices you get told you're wrong you can't say that. I'm not wrong. I can say that. And personal responsibility is an important factor.

As a society we shouldn't be sacred to even allude to it like in the op and then pretending it's all due to mental illness or medical complications. It's not. It's lifestyle choice for many. I know it, uou know it and every single diet thread on here proves it a thousand times over.

Prancingonthevalentine
It's actually got me thinking. I don't think there's a single heavily overweight/obese person in my work.

old
It was a generic comment, not mentioning a particular condition at all. I'll never presume it's someone's fault to be overweight but will inwardly be a bit if someone who is forever munching on snacks, eating unhealthy, planning that night's take away, joking about people who exercise etc starts going on about how hard it is to lose weight /how they are curvy / how slimming world or healthy eating doesn't work for people with big frames etc.

Being heavily overweight seems ti have some sort of bubble at times where someone can watch a colleague eat and eat and eat and graze on biscuits and openly do no exercise and someone will always be along to argue that there's probably a condition and it has nothing to do with stuffing their face.

I agree it’s mainly down to lifestyle choices. I’m glad you agree that being judgemental really isn’t helpful though. I wouldn’t say it’s always down to MH issues, but just based on the people I know, it seems like it becomes a MH issue in itself as their self esteem takes such a hammering when they become very overweight, which seems to lead to more weight gain . One of them is my sister and it’s horrible to see. She attaches so much importance to her appearance and being slim, but she’s ended up very overweight. She’s trying to make changes but she’s always been a crazy crash dieter and has managed to lose tonnes of weight in the past just to put it all on again with interest. It does seem like an illness with her and you and I don’t know which of the too fat / too thin people we meet are battling with this sort of thin and which ones simply make a “choice” to eat too much and move too little. So, as I say, I’m glad you agree that judging is unhelpful.

Maisy that could be due to selection for the jobs - did the Head secretly weigh you on the way in!
I don’t understand fat people talking about curves and diet. I never mention my weight as it’s a source of shame for me, why would I talk about it? Even without actual “mental illness” there are a lot of things that contribute to (otherwise intelligent!) people continuing to overeat when they know it makes them unhappy. Fat is (still) a feminist issue after all.

Ive said being judgemental is wrong from the beginning of this thread, I've been very vocal about it. I took issue with the overweight lady commenting negatively on the slim woman's body. I stated clearly that no one has the right to comment on another's body negatively. Be they fat or thin,

However we can make comments on the causes of obesity in society in general without referring to the individual. They are two different things. No one is disputing mental illness or medical complications play a part for some, but for many people it really is a lifestyle choice and we should not shy away from saying that for fear of being attacked. That's part of what's wrong in today's society, we have become too scared to mention it or be honest about it, because if you are you'll be attacked.

Look at the op, she's been called, vile, a bitch, smug, all manner of obsenities for nothing more than explaining why she thought she was curvy in the face of being told she was wrong, she was just skinny.

oldbirdy

If you state that the vast majority of overweight women have chosen that, you are wrong. 10 percent of women have a hormonally mediated tendency to accrue weight below the waist, regardless of how much they eat, how much they diet, and how much they exercise. 10 percent of women overweight by genetic accident, not by choice. The vast majority implies the occasional person undeservedly overweight, not 1 in 10 women which is the fact of it.

Why, in that case, were there far fewer overweight and obese people in the past, both historically and relatively recent - if it is a “hormonal” issue?

...relatively recently

Prancingonthevalentine
We can say is a whatever issue. The fact is people are getting bigger, average is overweight and now we almost get to the point where it's taboo in some areas to suggest that people take a bit of personal responsibility.

People will have had all sorts of struggles and stress in decades gone by. It didn't mean significant chunks of the population were overweight as is currently the case.

We're getting to a ridiculous situation where kids have to have snacks on demand in case they starve to death in the 15 minutes it takes to drive from school to home, chocolate and sweets are 'rewards' and eating your feelings has just become a standard thing to do (had a break up? Eat ben and jerry's and you'll feel better. Had a crap day at work? Treat yourself with some chocolate. Feeling stressed and busy? Don't cook. Get takeaway). And then if you don't buy into all of this excessive eating then you're suddenly some health freak who's going ti waste away because you don't want to shovel cream cakes in your face every day.

Rose white
Because more than 10-15 percent of women are overweight now?

There have always been large women and pear shaped women throughout history.

I have never claimed that all fat people have lipedema. But if you do have lipedema, no matter what you do you will have column shaped legs and cankles, and be assumed to be much more greedy than you may well be.

You did nothing wrong OP. You were belittled by her and put down but apparently because you are a size 10 you aren't allowed to feel slightly miffed about this. You are 'vile' apparently.

A lot of women on here with their own personal axe to grind on body image.
First rule of the supposed 'sisterhood - shut the Fuck up unless particularly invited to comment on someone's weight or appearance and don't assume skinny girls don't have feelings.

Been at both end of spectrum btw.

oldbirdy:

No there have not been the same numbers of obese and heavily overweight people on the streets, at airports, in entire family groups etc etc

Even twenty years ago, there were far fewer.

Hormonal? Pfft

The cankles and the columnar shapes have risen above waist level and taken over entire bodies. Apparently.

Rose

ODFOD

What part of "ten percent of women" are you finding it hard to grasp?

You needn't believe me, you can look at the NHS

www.nhs.uk/conditions/lipoedema/

I share a desk with her and every 5 minutes she opens her drawer and starts crunching.

Oh no, not crunching. I couldn't cope with that. I would have to ask her to eat in the kitchen or something.

ODFOD

Charming.

I have still to see those thin women with columnar legs and vast cankles hauling themselves around; I have, in contrast, seen plenty people whose obesity is pretty evenly distributed from top to toe.

I wonder why that is?

Hi all just an update!

So she’s very cheery today and not at all annoyed with me. So I obviously just blew it all way out of proportion.

She was even showing me her tinder profile whilst making tea before - and that she gets loads of dates and she descibes herself as curvy. (Which men prefer apparently 😂) I kept my mouth shut and nodded politely.

Anyway I’ve learnt my lesson - I will never comment (even in a passive aggressive way) on someone’s body - even if they’ve picked on mine first. I obviously felt worse about the conversation than her so at least she’s not upset!

Thanks again for all your comments (positive and negative) it’s given me food for thought x

[

"she describes herself as curvy. (Which men prefer apparently)"

If she actually said this to you, having already pointed out (mistakenly) that you are not curvy, then this is fucking rude.

Being fat doesn't mean you get to be rude about those slimmer than you as a way to feel better about yourself. WTF.

On one hand it's great there's no ill feeling. On the other hand, her comment that men curvy women, which she apparently is, is a passive aggressive dig, as was her comment that she'd rather be curvy than skinny, then informing you you were skinny.

She's not letting the little digs go. I can't criticise you ignoring it. It is what I would do too, but what she's doing isn't ok. It's no different to you showing her your OLD profile and saying men prefer slim women, I'm getting loads of interest.

She's clearly got some issues, and it's best to stay out of it. I think there would come a time though that I too would rise to the bait. Because what she's basically doing is constantly telling you how much better than you she is.

rose
Your "pfft" response was equally charming. The condition is real. I have not at any point claimed the condition is responsible for the huge increase in obesity. Merely that ten percent of women have this condition which predisposes to overweight, especially in the bottom half of the body.

You can be curvy whether you are fat or thin.