I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

I couldn’t sit next to someone constantly eating - it would irritate me and greasy crisp covered fingers all over the key board/desk and in her mouth would really bother me. I have repeatly been ‘skinny shamed’ for not wanting to join in office snacking and it culminated in one colleague who sat beside me buying me cakes as a ‘treat’ every lunch time to ‘feed me up’ and give dh ‘something to hold on to’ and other offensive crap. In the end I was very very blunt and asked them to stop mentioning my weight, my diet, my shape etc in a team meeting. They fired back that I was ‘fat shaming’ them but couldn’t give a single example of anything I’d ever said or done to fat shame them, because I literally don’t care what size they are, I just want to work and not be drawn into a constant round after round of tea and biscuits, sticky buns, cake ‘left over’ from the weekend etc. I think it was all done out of boredom and became a mild eating or ‘feeding’ disorder.

I work on my own now, thank fuck.

Awful @bonita! Well done for telling them to stop it. I think for some people, merely going about your business, being slim is enough for sone people to feel fat shamed. It’s a very weird society these days.

To be fair, some people also feel completely justified in shaming fat people just for existing. It works both ways.

I’m also surprised at how many people on here think it’s ok to skinny shame someone because ‘society loves a skinny person’. It’s not. It’s fucking rude.

Skinny people do not, from my experience, strut around feeling like some size zero super model looking down their noses as everyone over a size 14. They most likely have their own body issues and insecurities - the same as pretty much other every other woman.

So, no their skinniness should not give you a free pass to say what you want. And they should not have to smile and nod politely at some bully projecting their insecurities and issues on to them.

True @seren. Weird society as I say. Do I sound like an old grump if I blame SM? I’m not on anything other than MN and I swear I miss all the fat / skinny shaming nonsense (thankfully).

I had curves when I was a size 8-10 so I agree with OP. Not sure I would’ve pointed that out to a fat colleague though, even if it’s justfactually correct. Fatter colleagues don’t like me saying I need to lose weight as they see me as slim, even though my belly is far too big for my build.

Agree with the poster above re office feeding. It does get beyond a joke and you feel bad for not joining in. I’m determined to stop doing it now tbh. Years ago (16+) it wasn’t like this - if it was a bday or someone brought chicks back
Holiday, fine, but it’s gone beyond a joke now.

She used 'curvy' has a euphemism for fat and then patronisingly had a go at your frame because any suggestion that a slim built person can be curvy would send the size denier house of cards crumbling to the ground.

I'd just move on. You pointed out that curvy is a body shape not a euphemism for overweight. If it hits a nerve that's her issue.

The more you post the more you sound like you loathe her and her "curves". You're sounding more and more judgey.

I do agree though that "curvy" is very much used as a euphemism for "overweight" (you only have to read the Daily Fail to see that). And I also agree that it sounds like she is very much not happy with her curves.

I think you were both out of order to be honest. In general it's wise to keep your opinions on other people's bodies to yourself.

I don’t think she was trying to put you down, probably more like trying to make herself feel better. She knows she’s fat, calling herself curvy and saying she’d rather be curvy is just her putting on a front. I’m a size 14, I call myself curvy but I’d much rather be a size 10/12 and never call myself curvy again. By you saying that you’re curvy, you’re basically taking away the one good thing she can say about herself. Skinny shaming and fat shaming are as bad as each other but what you did was deliberately spiteful and you don’t sound sorry.

In general it's wise to keep your opinions on other people's bodies to yourself

But she didn't comment on the other woman's body. Not at all. It was the overweight woman who commented on the ops body.

And as for it being spiteful to say she was curvy , let's face the elephant in the room, being overweight for the vast majority of people is a personal choice. It's not that most overweight people are born that way and can't do anything about it or it's something that just happened. You chose to be overweight. So as much as clearly no one should be offensive to you, you also don't have the right to be offensive to anyone who choses to be slim and not expect them to respond to you if you are. No one gets a free pass here.

Bluntness
Did you know 10 to 15 percent of women (yes, just women) have a hormonally based adipose disorder called lipedema, which kicks in at puberty and gives thick legs which are absolutely resistant to diet and exercise?
You can be very very slim on top and still have a big bum and huge legs which signals fat and lazy by choice.

Look at this image of a woman with anorexia and lipedema. Now state again that if she just chose to eat less, she'd be slim.

goo.gl/images/bpjsJJ

Old birdy' are you deliberately misreading me? What part of "the vast majority"means to you " all people"?

You chose to be overweight

Nobody would choose to be overweight imo. Ok, maybe some people like Tess Holiday (sp?) who have made it part of their identity would choose to stay overweight. But surely most people want to be a healthy weight. Being overweight can happen for so many reasons. It’s a bit arrogant to assert that the vast majority choose to be overweight tbh. You have no idea.

The problem with weight (whether someone is “too thin” or “too fat”) is that it’s just one part of the picture when it comes to health. It’s also one of the only or most visible indicators of health. That’s why I think the lazier thinkers are the ones who get all judgy about other people’s weight, (either skinny or fat). It’s visible so it’s the easiest thing to get nasty or superior about. I find it really sad and a bit unattractive when I hear someone making a judgemental, unhelpful comment about someone’s else’s weight. It puts me right off that person. Different if it’s genuine concern, but it rarely is. Some people just like to be bitchy, especially towards other women. And we can’t win. Fat or thin, someone will judge you either way 👎🏻.

If you state that the vast majority of overweight women have chosen that, you are wrong. 10 percent of women have a hormonally mediated tendency to accrue weight below the waist, regardless of how much they eat, how much they diet, and how much they exercise. 10 percent of women overweight by genetic accident, not by choice. The vast majority implies the occasional person undeservedly overweight, not 1 in 10 women which is the fact of it.

She was rude to call you skinny. I've been called a 'skinny minny' many times in a derogatory way. It implies you're boney and unattractively thin. Your reply was brilliant!

People can have curves at any size but I think of 'curvy' as toned and in proportion e.g. big boobs and bum and smaller waist. Curvy means shapely to me.

Constant eating would annoy me too. I worked with a woman who was always crunching, rustling and licking her fingers. Very irritating. People need to have some self control in a shared office!

Of course it's a choice for many. It's a choice on what to eat and how much of it to eat, every single day. A choice of how much to move. Or not move.

Of course a number of people have medical complications. Many more don't. But removing the element of personal responsibility and saying it's no one who is overweight fault is not helpful at all.

I've been everything from a ten to a sixteen. At the top end, it's my fault. End of, I chose to eat too much of the wrong stuff and I gain weight. Like many other humans. What I put in my mouth is my choice alone. If I become over weight, it's on me as an adult.

“Of course it's a choice for many. It's a choice on what to eat and how much of it to eat, every single day. A choice of how much to move. Or not move.

Of course a number of people have medical complications. Many more don't. But removing the element of personal responsibility and saying it's no one who is overweight fault is not helpful at all.

I've been everything from a ten to a sixteen. At the top end, it's my fault. End of, I chose to eat too much of the wrong stuff and I gain weight. Like many other humans. What I put in my mouth is my choice alone. If I become over weight, it's on me as an adult.”

I’m like you - have been on the skinny side and now on the fat side! Never made it to the extreme end of either thankfully and for me, it’s totally my fault. I don’t have any predisposition to being too fat or too thin afaik. If anything I think I should be even fatter based on what I eat .

But, I know a couple of very overweight people and it really is like a MH issue. It becomes cyclical. They have low confidence and low self esteem due to their weight so they don’t go out and do exercise and they don’t take care of their diets. I’m not one of these people, but I’m not so lacking in empathy that I’d airily declare that THE VAST MAJORITY of people male the choice to be fat. I don’t know that. Neither do you tbh, unless you’re an expert in some way that you haven’t shared with us yet.

I won't be conviced that taking away personal responsibility for being overweight is beneficial to anyone. I didn't say it was easy to be a healthy weight, or it wouldn't be a struggle for many, for a variety of reasons, but I do believe it's something people have to take personal responsibility for.

Surely the point is that you can’t tell by looking at people whether or not there may be a medical reason they are overweight(or underweight). So it’s best not to be judgemental.

Nobody’s suggesting (or at least I’m not) that we take away personal responsibility for it. I’m just saying that a little empathy and support for one another wouldn’t hurt. Getting on one’s high horse and saying “you chose to be fat” is seriously unhelpful, especially coming from someone like you or me, who hasn’t got a serious weight problem either way, or any particular food issues.

"many" is not the same as "the vast majority" though.

As a lucky lipedema owner, it becomes much more complex than you think. You are so conscious of your "fat" legs, which, by the way, bruise easily and have spider veins all over, that wearing a swimming costume of shorts is in itself an ordeal. And this starts at puberty. I remember being a young teenager and hating myself for being so fat compared with peers. I weighed 9 stone, but all of it below the waist. The boys at school laughed at my "upturned milk bottle" legs. At 10 stone a doctor told me to lose half a stone. I wasn't overweight but that comment made me think "what's the bloody point".

So yes, I could starve myself more. I swam 100 lengths a week for a year to see if it would improve my appearance. My legs wobbled less but we're no slimmer at all, and my arse stuck out even more. I ran for a year and did a half marathon. In the pictures you can see the pads of fat below my knees.

I am not saying no one is responsible for getting fat. I am saying it's a bit more complicated than just "choosing" to be overweight or "choosing" to be slim.

And no one tells us about lipedema so we all start to feel ashamed from the age of 12 or 13.

It's a choice on what to eat and how much of it to eat, every single day. A choice of how much to move. Or not move.
This. Medical issues aside, people decide to eat the wrong foods and be sedentary.

It always amuses me how any thread regarding people being larger goes straight to yeah but but but some people have a medical condition. Yes. Some do. But people are getting larger, average is overweight and it's a bloody coincidence that most of the population all happen to have come down with conditions in thr last 5/10 years.

I'm with people on continuous eating though. There's no need to have cake days every day and be grazing on biscuits all day. Sedentary job + grazing on sugary crap = being overweight not that surprising.

Nobody in my department is large and we're all on our feet all day, most do some form of exercise (ranging from light-moderate activity through to gym goers and local sports teams) and we don't spend our days shovelling biscuits in our faces.

Deffo a case of the lady protesting too much, sounds like she knows she’s fat but has found a way to feel better about it.

All this hand-wringing about offensiveness is ludicrous, who cares if it seems
‘goady’? It’s reality. Curvy is a shape you can be at any size, flat-out obese is not curvy, it’s fat. People are so in denial about weight these days.

One of my daughters gets skinny shamed at school. She is naturally very slim (under a paediatrician and dietitian) but it seems it's her build and she has dairy intolerance so actually has a very healthy diet. We try to up the calories but it's hard. She has very slim legs and at school gets picked on, called anorexic, laughed at, told her knees are disgusting in pe, and told to go home and eat cake. You should no more comment on someone's 'skinny' frame than 'fat'. Depending on who receives the comment and how they feel. So reading your post I felt calling you a skinny thing was rude. And I'd struggle not to retort.