I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

The thing is the word curvy has now been hijacked as a kinder way to either describe overweight women or for overweight women to describe themselves if they don't want to say they are overweight. It's use is so widespread now that the word is really a euphanism for fat.

Example

Oh did you know johns got a new girlfriend?
Oh that's good, what's she like then?
She's smart and funny, I like her
What does she look like?
She's pretty, she's a bit of a curvy girl.

Most folks are going to think it means the girl is overweight or fat.

@SerenDippitty

Neither of those two women looks overweight to me. To say that only one of them looks acceptable and healthy is fucking unbelievable.

I think this has been covered, but the 2 ladies in the picture are definitely not overweight it's the lady in the link who is a plus-size model

This word curvy. It means fat for many people.

As I’ve got older I’ve got more impatient with diet chat. Either lose the weight or shut up about it.

Curvy is a euphemism usually used by very overweight people to make them feel better about themselves. It fools no one. Not even them.

^This. A size 18/20 isn’t curvy. It is overweight and fat

Gosh. This is why I never hang around the office at lunchtime. As long as it isn’t pouring down I go for a long walk to get away from the nonsense and the people.

If it had gone

Her: oh, I love being curvy
OP: Yes, you look lovely

None of this would have happened but you wanted to make a point that she wasn't curvy, she was fat.

Yeah, this is what would have happened with most people I know tbh. I only ever really hear about these weird PA confrontations among grown women on here (thank fuck).

I'm not impatient with it, but I've been quite surprised at some of the responses on this thread, which basically indicate that it's ok for an overweight person to comment negatively on a slim woman's body but in no way can that slim woman defend herself or even very loosely indicate a fat woman is actually fat.

No wonder we have such an obesity problem as a society when it's got to the level of you must always lie and let an overweight person say whatever they want to make themselves feel better at the expense of others.

Hmmm I definitely don’t think either of the women sound like they know how to behave though tbf.

It is definitely not ok to slag someone off for being skinny. I have a policy of never ever commenting on anyone’s size; even if it’s a compliment. But, i do think it’s a fair point to say that some people consider “skinny” to be a compliment. I’m not skinny anymore, but I have “walked a mile in those shoes” and remember being called a “skinny wee shite” as a compliment, I kid you not . Where skinny is sometimes a compliment, fat never is IME, (I’m a teeny bit overweight / fat just now - full disclosure)! That’s why culturally it’s considered ruder to call someone fat than it is to call them skinny. That’s not to say that either is ok.

Why would anyone need to defend themselves for being thin? Society loves thin people and hates fat people. Being thin is highly prized and is associated with many other benefits in life (eg how people view you, career progression etc). If you're thin and someone comments negatively on your body, yeah it's not nice, but you are unlikely to be shamed in the street for it. Fat people are and get insulted just for existing. It reminds me of when a white man on twitter complained of being called "mayonnaise boy" implying it was racist. It isn't.

I also hate these threads as they bring out the competitive people who love to post their own weight and story. Yes health is important but it's sad to see how many seemingly sensible adult women have disordered eating tendencies.

And as for “not allowed to retaliate”: is that really how grown women conduct themselves at work? Tit for tat bitchy, PA arguments about each other’s physical appearance? Embarrassing.

Agree. Don’t talk weight. No ones really happy fat. People who are thin also have bits of their body they don’t like

Keep it to yourselves guys.
And don’t eat all day. Fat or thin. Three meals no snacking

Why would anyone need to defend themselves for being thin? Society loves thin people and hates fat people. Being thin is highly prized and is associated with many other benefits in life (eg how people view you, career progression etc). If you're thin and someone comments negatively on your body, yeah it's not nice, but you are unlikely to be shamed in the street for it. Fat people are and get insulted just for existing

So what, as some form of compensation the fat person gets to negatively comment on slim people as and when they please, and the slim people just have to take it because society thinks you have the better body and you're unlikely to get insulted in the street?

No, as you state, it's not nice to have someone comment negatively on your body and fat people don't get special dispensation to do it as some form of compensation for being fat.

You were being a butch

Lolol. So butch

I've no idea why either of you would wade into such a charged topic at work. You both sound as bad as each other.

You can be curvy at any size. It's about body shape more than it is weight.

I think the lady in question was out of order body shaming OP first, OP responded with her opinion and without name calling. She didn't say the lady wasn't curvy (even if she may have been thinking it), she just gave her opinion on what she believes is curvy. I don't see how that is body shaming, and is much less offensive than being called a 'skinny thing'. That's awful IMO. Being overweight does not give you a free pass to body shame others.

I'm just jealous that someone can sit and eat all day and be a size 18/20! I'd be heading for fattest woman in Britain title if I did this!

Try it in reverse:

OP is overweight and colleague is saying 'oh I'd much rather be slim than fat, I love being slim. You're not slim OP, you're a fat thing'

That would be hugely unacceptable so I don't see how it should be different the other way round.

My work is a little like this. Most women are between a size 20-24, I'm a 12 in stretchy material so probably more like a 14. It's frequently implied I starve myself to an inch of my life and the fact I don't show my legs is gone on about even more frequently. I'm not even slim because I'm quite short. I keep my mouth shut because it's not my issue. Try not to get involved OP!

If you’re slim, people like to comment on your size and what you’re eating all the fucking time!
Honestly it drives me mad.
I would never comment on someone’s lunch or their size if they’re overweight, and I have never heard anyone do it.
But the overweight people at work (I work in an office of 150 people) always seem to like to pass judgement on what the slimmer colleagues eat for lunch.
Guess what, I don’t like lunch/arse analysis every day, who would?
I would never tell anyone they’ve gained too much weight, but at 9 stone and 5ft 4 I was constantly told I had lost too much weight.
That is a perfectly healthy size for my height.
I have put on a few pounds now and want to lose them but Jesus I daren’t mention it to anyone as I know what kind of response I’ll get.

At 9st 6 I feel uncomfortable and my clothes are tight so I will have to hide the fact I’m trying to get back to 9 stone, it’s not worth the grief.
So please if you think it’s acceptable to comment and skinny shame, it’s not so don’t do it.

She was in the wrong to start on you calling someone ‘skinny’ is just as insulting as calling someone ‘fat’

But She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes I think is a slight exaggeration is it not and you obviously don’t feel that sorry for what you said

They both judged each other by their own standards. Why is it okay for one of them to do this but not both?
For all we know, OP may have struggled for years with being unhappy with her body. She may have received hundreds of very negative comments about her body by strangers for years (happens regardless of size: your arms are like rakes, your bum is flat, you're flat chested, you've got no shape etc) She finally worked very hard to feel confident and good about herself only for someone to turn around and tell her she was a skinny 'thing'. Not even a woman or a person. A thing. However OP cannot feel bad or defend herself because only fat people have feelings?

@tartan makes a point I’ve heard / seen a lot actually. I don’t know if it’s a regional thing, but people who are a very normal size or even a little overweight apparently keep being told they’re “too thin” or “wasting away”, “Don’t overdo the diet”, etc. I think that’s super unhelpful and just weird, as if the only acceptable size is very overweight. I’ve never experienced it myself, but I do think it’s regional. I was never told I was too skinny even when I was probably a little too thin for my frame, (borderline underweight and very broad shoulders etc). But it definitely sounds like a common comment, directed at people who are definitely not too thin, (unless I’m missing something).

Why is it okay for one of them to do this but not both?

It’s not ok for either of them to do it. They both behaved badly and were silly and bitchy to do so at work (imo).