Just told my 5 month old to fuck off

[notgotthis]

I feel like the absolute worst mum in the world. I'm at the end of my rope, I have a nightmare 2 year old and a 5 month old who won't nap and fights sleep all night too.

I just feel like I'm drowning and I can't do it any longer.
Making lunch for ds1, ds2 screaming because he's overtired, trying to do the dishes and put a wash on and I just snapped and shouted at him to fuck off. I'm not fit to be a mother.

pretty you were utterly obtuse about this on the other thread as well. That mother was screaming at a 3yo constantly for months. A total world of difference from one shout, one time, at the total end of your rope.

I think we've all had similar moments like this OP. It certainly doesn't mean you're not fit to be a mother. When my DD (now 34) was very young,about 4 weeks old,I can remember dumping her in her cot, shutting the bedroom door and going and sitting in the living room for 20 minutes with my fingers in my ears. She would not stop screaming,had been fed,winded,changed,rocked, and cuddled,all to no avail. I had been up half the night with her and was so sleep deprived I felt as if I was going mad.

Sleep deprivation can bring someone to their knees Pretty. Five months of broken sleep and a toddler to look after with a DH who sounds like he does fuck all? It’s understandable that it all got a bit too much.

It gets easier as they get older, because you have usually had a decent night sleep, the children become verbal and you can usually reason with them. My children are 9 and 3, so I can’t comment on teenage years yet, but I wouldn’t go back to those baby days for all of the money in the world.

As a one off OP, most of us have done it. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, you’re just human. Be kind to yourself

There's people on here saying that they frequently swear at their kids or have told them they wanted to throw them out of a window. Like I said mumsnet is weird!

You're exhausted.

He doesn't understand.

This too shall pass.

I have been there bif. I am a lone parent to 4 under 8. it's just weird that on one thread shouting or swearing (which like I said I don't do) is abusive but on another it's all there there, your a great mum. Weird!

Without knowing the thread you are talking about pretty it's hard to comment. I haven't seen anyone here say it's ok to shout at a baby. Just that as a one-off event it's understandable and that most of us have done it.

Personally I was never a particularly shouty parent once my children were older and I was careful to curb my language around them. So if someone said they shouted & swore at their children with any degree of frequency (I'd include 'sometimes' in that) then I might think they were struggling to cope and have a different response. No less sympathetic, but different.

The thread wasn't mine. I commented saying I have shouted at my children sometimes and was told by a pp I need parenting classes then! Just find the responses on here odd considering swearing is much worse as a one off or not.

You have reached the end of you tether, don’t beat yourself up about it. The fact that you feel bad about it shows what a great mum you are. Are you able to take some time out? Put the baby in the cot, sit the older one in front of the electronic babysitter and sit somewhere quietly on your own for a few minutes? I have been there and felt horrible afterwards, but when you have calmed down you can give them both a big hug and start fresh. As lots of other posters said he certainly won’t remember.

I’m sure most of us have told our kids to fuck off at some point

No, but I've been close.

Actually i said i wanted to throw my baby out of a window, a thought during a moment of bad sleep deprivation and depression. Not that i told him i wanted to.

I dont think shouting or getting pissed off is a terible thing, whatever age the child. Its human nature and normal for one offs. If that poster told you off pretty then either it was because of a context lacking here or they would likely tell everyone on this thread off too . Did you never lose your rag with your babies as you do now they are kids?

@PrettyLittleThing

I don't think it'd be healthy if someone shouted at babies all the time - they don't get why you're shouting and you're just getting riled up for no good reason, but if you've ran yourself ragged and you did it, I also don't think you have failed as a mother.

I'm sorry you didn't feel supported when you posted. What I've learned in 20+yrs of parenting and meeting countless other parents and their kids is not to judge and not to assume I know better or that my way is better. That's why I probably wouldn't have told you to get parenting classes either, even though I often wished I could have had them for particular challenges I faced with my kids.

As for the shouting in general - when I met one of my best pals, her kids were 2 and 4. Mine was 2. I'm really laid back and soft spoken and that's how I talked to my kid - I patiently explain the heck out of everything (yeah, even at that age. Talk about wasting your breath.)

My pal now, she just shouted at hers. Full blast. Oh man, I was so shocked. The older one shouted back and I was like how can you talk to her like that - how can you let her talk to you like that - what happens when she's a teen etc. Well, they shouted their way through the kids' teen years and have the best relationship now. I have zero idea how or why, but it worked for them. If you ask the kids (now adults), they have no problem with this. Because apart from the shouting they were surrounded by and immersed in their mother's love and acceptance and support.

Aww OP, have a mahoosive hug. You are mentally exhausted.💐💐💐
Look how much support you have on here, you were brave to admit it, but it certainly won't have damaged your babies. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are doing the very best you can, and carry on.
Tomorrow is a new day Sweet !

i remember doing this. mine are 11 and 5 now, so now like a pp i stick middle fingers up behind their backs when it all gets a bit much. eleven year old caught me doing it to the younger one once, he thought it was hilarious. kids are hard work. you are not unfit you're knackered. it will improve.

I remember when my second son was 3 weeks old, he’d been screaming for 3 hours. My oldest son screaming because he didn’t like the tea I’d made, despite he fact he adored it the week before. I just remember launching his tea across the room and screaming ‘SHUT UPPPPP’
At both of them, and then closing myself in the kitchen and literally digging my nails into my scalp. I then called my husband in hysterics, who was out with his friends, and told him I needed him home because I felt like I was about to shake the kids to death. He came home and I cried myself to sleep. I still get a bit upset now thinking about it, and it was nearly 2 years ago. I, for the most part, practise gentle parenting, and so it’s just completely against how I view myself. But, these things happen! Try to be kind to yourself.

Aaw OP really, we have all been there, screamed that 😁😁 It's better to let off steam through the mouth than ending up hurting them like the crazed parents you hear of in the news. It's not like they can understand you so don't feel bad. We are only human!
My finest moment was on a really bad week when ALL my 3 children were sick and the most sleep I had managed in the entire week was 45 minutes straight. I was sick too and just couldn't handle it anymore. I think it went something like "shut the f up o I will push you straight back where you came from!!!" 🙈🙈🙈 When I told people nobody judged me for it, they just laughed. They know I love all my kids to death and I was just sick and exhausted and needed a break. My eldest daughter thought it was hilarious.
Don't be so hard on yourself. 💐💐

Ha ha, wait until they're teenagers and then see how many times you want to tell them to fuck off. Give yourself a break. It's not the end of the world; you're knackered and overwhelmed. On the bright side, they're too young to repeat it.

God I've done this, parenting is so so hard and no sleep is the worst thing. Please don't beat yourself up. I swear regularly, my youngest is autistic so I spend every waking minute watching her, she is unpredictable, no sense of danger, it is HARD!! I also feel so much guilt at the time she takes away from my older ds, I feel like I ignore him so much but I don't have a choice. I have shouted many things I'm not proud of but I have very little support including family members telling me she'll grow out of it

One thing my mil did, when dd was born, was bought ds a small boxed collection of Thomas tank books and when I sat down to feed dd, got settled, comfy, good latch etc ds chose a book from the box and came and snuggled up alongside me and we would read a story together. That was really lovely and worked really well. Just a little idea that may give you some one to one time with you older dc.

It will pass and things do get easier and then harder and then easier. I have been in phases where I've honestly wanted to get in the car, leave the pair of them and just drive and drive and drive. Hugs and flowers to you, you are doing a great job

What everyone else said. I screeched at DS1 to shut up once when he was about 7 months old. I hadn’t slept longer than a few hours for months on end and he was refusing to eat and whining in his high chair. I also threw a pillow at his cot in the middle of the night when he’d woken up yet again. They are hard work and don’t start to give back for a long time.

everyone does not shout and swear at their children, even as a one off. Imagine if your partner or your boss shouted and swore like that at you - you'd feel it was abusive. Use this as a learning experience and don't do it again - it's appallingly damaging to be sworn and shouted at, whether as a child or an adult.

Not remotely the same thing at all, and smug, smug, smuggity smug.

So many responses thank you all for trying to make me feel better. I still feel awful for shouting at him but I took some advice and got him in the sling and ds2 in the pram, went for a little walk and they both fell asleep. ..... But then woke up as soon as we got home so I didn't get any time to myself but my brain got a break from them. x

@notgotthis

If your house is big enough and/or there are no stairs there's no reason why you can't put one of them in the pram with a book or a toy and one in a playpen or the cot, then make yourself a cuppa and sit down for five minutes. I know this sounds pathetic but even five minutes make a difference.

P.S. Making a cuppa was my way of coping with tantrums when we were at home. I found them extremely hard to ignore and my health visitor suggested to fake it till I made it. Tantrums are no fun without an audience, you know...

I Have Walked miles with a colicky baby. If its getting back in the house that wakes them, take a flask and find a bench! X

You're only human like all of us! At least you've said it when little one doesn't understand x

I have a nine month old who I swear has had a cough since about November. She coughs herself awake frequently. This week she has had major coughing fits (extremely loud - she’s quite the drama queen) between the hours of 1am and 3am. She has woken the three year old up too.

DH and I are both in an utter fog of sleep deprivation this week. I have heard him beg her to “stop coughing and go to fucking sleep” and I have done it myself. This is the point at which the other has come through to take over.

It is a brutal, brutal feeling but it’s normal. We aren’t bad parents. We love our girls more than anything. But we are exhausted and we are only human and we are doing our very very best.