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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to step up and get snipped

114 replies

newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 09:21

DH and I agreed jointly ages ago after our 4th DC that he would have a vasectomy. I've had the works: CSection with twins, VBAC which ended in 4th degree tears and various complications, miscarriages and more recently a termination that didn't properly terrminate. Both the miscarriages and the termination ended up needing surgical intervention to remove retained product.

I've struggled with the side effects of various forms of contraception myself and we both decided that it was his turn to 'take a lead' in the matter. I don't feel that I've pushed him towards his at all and deliberately left it as a matter for him to come to his own decision about. When he suggested it, I of course wholeheartedly agreed.

I've also over the last 5 years had a number of operations under GA to remove polyps, to tackle cysts and resolve other troublesome cervical issues. So I was very pleased that he suggested this as I'm fed up with bearing the brunt of contraception and everything.

Today he went to the clinic for the pre op check over and was told that they couldn't do the operation as he has an undescended testicle. Apparently he could have a GA and get it done as it would involve going further up and poking around a bit more than on a local but DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip.

So AIBU to be upset that he won't even consider having a GA to get this done, given all the number of gynae interventions which I've had over the last few years? He's a bit of a wimp when it comes to blood and needles (won't even look when DS1 is having his toenails clipped...Hmm), so I'm wondering whether that's got something to do with it.

How can I tackle this delicately to encourage him to go ahead and have the GA? Don't want to go in just yet all guns blazing with a sex strike or a list of my interventions as it's not a pissing contest, as I know through years of experience that dropping hints and then letting him think it's his own idea is more effective.

OP posts:
MsHomeSlice · 07/04/2018 09:26

aren't undescended testicles a health issue that need dealing with?

I know they were very keen to sort the dog out when he had one, so I cannot see them leaving a person with one MIA.

Are you sure he is not spinning you a yarn?? Men can be full of it when it comes to snippity snip.

Mightymucks · 07/04/2018 09:29

It’s his body he can do what he likes. You can always abstain from penetrative sex if you don’t want to get pregnant.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 07/04/2018 09:29

His body, his choice.

You know he won't do it, so now you have choices to make.

Original poster
newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 09:30

That did cross my mind but he has paperwork from the doctors about this too now so I don't think he's trying it on. He's managed to produce sufficient sperm to enable me to get knocked up on a number of occasions so maybe he never saw it as an medical issue to get resolved iyswim.

OP posts:
PaleBlueMoonlight · 07/04/2018 09:32

What his his alternative suggestion for contraception? And, whatever it is, has he researched the pros and cons? This is a discussion and you both need to be happy.

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2018 09:32

I’m very surprised he hasn’t had that treated. There’s a greater risk of testicular cancer. Most boys have them dealt with before they’re even one. Didn’t the surgeon talk to him about that?

ChaosAndPiss · 07/04/2018 09:32

Just abstain from sex instead. Grin

Alison100199 · 07/04/2018 09:34

His body so he gets to chose. You are being unreasonable to expect him to undergo surgery just because you have. Would you consider being sterilized instead?

strawberrypenguin · 07/04/2018 09:35

I'd ask him how he plans to take charge of the contraception he's going to using from now on.

WeirdCatLady · 07/04/2018 09:36

Of course that is his choice. But I wouldn’t be taking responsibility for contraception anymore. His decision not to have the op so he has to take his turn providing full contraception responsibility. And if he refuses, then no more sex, fullstop!

PaleBlueMoonlight · 07/04/2018 09:37

Maybe you could sit down together and go through all the options set out on the NHS website or even better visit the GP together to talk through options, then any concerns either of you have about different methods can be dealt with there and then, including any fears he has about GA or the snip.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/04/2018 09:38

What contraception would you find acceptable?

jacks11 · 07/04/2018 09:40

I think you need to be careful. Whilst I understand you saying "I don't want to use hormonal contraception", which means you have to find some alternative, I wouldn't take too kindly to be "told" I had to have an operation under GA. Just as he can't "tell" you to take contraception.

I think you need to sit down and talk things through with him, without throwing your surgeries in his face- I don't think it's particularly helpful to use your previous surgeries "against him" at any point.

If he won't have the vasectomy, and you do not want to use contraception (which i am not criticising), then your options are barrier contraception or abstinence. Discuss this with him too.

Some people are very frightened of having a GA. It does carry more risks, though this surgery most likely low risk- all the same, it does have to be his choice. Is he concerned about the slightly more complicated surgery- maybe he is concerned there is more likely to be a risk of chronic pain? I think if you understand where his concerns lie, you may be able to seek advice from your GP or the surgeon to reassure him?

If he remains dead against it, even if you don't agree with his reasons, I think it is unacceptable to attempt to pressurise someone into have surgery.

Cuppaoftea · 07/04/2018 09:41

Christ YANBU, bluntly it's his turn to step up!

He ought to be paying more consideration to what you've put your body through in giving him a family. Another operation sounds like the last thing you need.

I actually wouldn't have sex til this is resolved, not as a childish 'punishment' but as a matter of fact 'I'm not risking an unplanned pregnancy, no more Ops for me' message to be received loud and clear by him.

Sturmundcalm · 07/04/2018 09:43

I think you are quite justified being annoyed but equally you can't tell him to have a medical procedure he doesn't want to have...

You need to consider whether you are prepared to risk another pregnancy and/or abstain from penetrative sex. And if not, are you prepared to leave him? Cause ultimately those are the choices you can make!

Joint counselling is probably the best first step, it sounds as though he isn't fully understanding how traumatic all of those experiences have been for you and thinks things can just continue as they have been or you can take responsibility for fixing.

Original poster
newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 09:44

I'm not going to force him into having a GA but I do feel extremely disappointed that his position has been to shut down the option almost instantly without any more consideration. I'm hoping that his response is just a knee jerk reaction and that once we've had a chance to let it all sink in and discuss things properly that we can see our way out of this, in whatever form that might be. In the meantime it's PJs to bed for me for the foreseeable....

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2018 09:46

Have you asked him about whether he discussed treatment for his undescended testicle?

KanyeWesticle · 07/04/2018 09:46

YWBBU not to come up with an agreeable plan together.

It's not hormonal or surgical, by the way. Barrier methods remain an option.

IloveJudgeJudy · 07/04/2018 09:46

I agree with you in this instance, OP. When DH had the snip he went to the GP, came home and told me that the GP and he had agreed that it would be easier all round if I were sterilised at the same time as having my third CS! Erm no. I didn't agree so he had his vasectomy that he had said all along that he would have.

Arapaima · 07/04/2018 09:48

I agree with you OP.

Instead of abstinence, have you considered condoms? No side effects, and just as reliable as other forms of contraception if used properly. If the reason is that 'he doesn't like them', again that is his choice.

bastardkitty · 07/04/2018 09:48

Sorry OP, it's goady fucker Saturday on mumsnet and your thread has been invaded!

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2018 09:49

By who bastardkitty?

Original poster
newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 09:50

Sturm - I think you've hit on the issue here in that all these interventions and operations for various reasons and in various ways have been physically and emotionally traumatic for me and I just don't feel I can cope with any more of them. My own mental and physical health has revolved in the last few years around miscarriages, a termination that didn't work and some very difficult pregnancies, together with the various effect have had on my ability to go to work (or even function properly day to day, tbh). I think a good heart to heart about this and an exploration of his own fears would probably be a good starting point.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 09:54

At my last birth which should have been a CS but ended up a VBAC I was going to get sterilised 'while they were down there' (consultants words, not mine!) but it all happened quite fast and here were other probs so a CS didn't happen.

Like I said I don't want it to be a pissing contest of who's had the most operations, but I really do feel disappointed that we're back at square one.

I may tackle it ('scuse the dreadful pun!) by asking what options here are for dealing with the undescended testicle as there are other health issues related to that which may well need to be resolved anyway.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 07/04/2018 10:10

He's entitled to say that, but you're equally entitled to say that your body can't cope with more interventions or more steroid hormones, so you will just not have sex.

You could rely on condoms, but they're not 100% and given what you've been through you may not want to risk pregnancy.

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