To tell DH to step up and get snipped

[newyearoldme]

DH and I agreed jointly ages ago after our 4th DC that he would have a vasectomy. I've had the works: CSection with twins, VBAC which ended in 4th degree tears and various complications, miscarriages and more recently a termination that didn't properly terrminate. Both the miscarriages and the termination ended up needing surgical intervention to remove retained product.

I've struggled with the side effects of various forms of contraception myself and we both decided that it was his turn to 'take a lead' in the matter. I don't feel that I've pushed him towards his at all and deliberately left it as a matter for him to come to his own decision about. When he suggested it, I of course wholeheartedly agreed.

I've also over the last 5 years had a number of operations under GA to remove polyps, to tackle cysts and resolve other troublesome cervical issues. So I was very pleased that he suggested this as I'm fed up with bearing the brunt of contraception and everything.

Today he went to the clinic for the pre op check over and was told that they couldn't do the operation as he has an undescended testicle. Apparently he could have a GA and get it done as it would involve going further up and poking around a bit more than on a local but DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip.

So AIBU to be upset that he won't even consider having a GA to get this done, given all the number of gynae interventions which I've had over the last few years? He's a bit of a wimp when it comes to blood and needles (won't even look when DS1 is having his toenails clipped...), so I'm wondering whether that's got something to do with it.

How can I tackle this delicately to encourage him to go ahead and have the GA? Don't want to go in just yet all guns blazing with a sex strike or a list of my interventions as it's not a pissing contest, as I know through years of experience that dropping hints and then letting him think it's his own idea is more effective.

Funnily enough I've been having this discussion with DH today.
I've had 2 open heart surgeries 4 births and another could kill me so we cannot have anymore children. (He doesn't want any)
I've been on all contraception and as a result have thyroid issues.
I've also had a miscarriage and a termination because of my health.
The doctors don't want to steralise me because it's putting more strain on my body and I may need surgery in the future.
Our only real option is abstinence, condoms (too risky)
Or you guessed it. He has the snip.
He, like your husband has said no!
Where am I supposed to go with that?
I get the my body my choice arguement. But in situations like this I find men incredibly selfish to put all the pressure on women. Our body's have gone through enough to give them familys. We don't get a choice in that. Its soley our responsibility to carry these tiny humans.
Personally I think they should pull their fingers out.
Pumping our bodies full of hormones causes a number of problems but they don't seem too concerned with that!

Surprised by some of the responses here, of course it’s his body and his fertility. He wants the fertility gone, he just doesn’t want to have a GA. I can bloody well guarantee you that the OP didn’t want all the things she’s had to endure either, and which she risks needing again if he doesn’t go ahead. Sometimes life means having to do something unpleasant or scary.

I’ve had six surgeries for endo, a c section and many traumatic gynae procedures. My DH has been clear that once we are sure we are done he will happily be the one to get sterilised. Frankly, it’s his bloody turn to cope with the shitty end of the contraception stick.

Remember when the Male pill trials were halted because of “intolerable side effects”? Men can fuck off with this shit. It’s a GA FFS.

He can absolutely decide not to, and I’d be absolutely deciding not to have sex with him.

Canne. I hope you told his mother where to shove that. Ffs.

In your situation I’d just tell him he’s in charge of contraception as you would like another baby...he doesn’t, he needs to sort it.

His body his choice. But tbh I think he’s selfish considering everything your body and mental health has been through. I wouldn’t be having sex with him again unless he got the snip.

He really needs to have that undescended one teated. My nephew got cancer in his at age 25 and ended up having to have both removed.

Not saying that will happen of course but there is a known increased risk of testicular cancer in undescended testicles.

Forgive the levity but it is time to play 'spot the ball'!
Yes a GA is a big deal and a risk but you have already undergone several and the operation proposed is probably rather less intrusive than you have undergone.
I would say (having had a GA for something else) he should go for it especially as he might actually be storing up a problem for the future.

Your medical issues (however awful) don't come into this i'm afraid.
His body. His choice.

Just like a man couldn't expect a woman to be sterilised, no woman can expect a man to have the snip.

The question becomes 'if option A is no longer an option for either party, what is option b?'

Nevermind contraception. Some of you would br better off with divorces!

@AnnieAnoniMouser after I stopped laughing I told her she was off her trolley saying that I should have the major Op and not DH with a much less invasive one when it was for both our benefit.
She also doesn't want any more grandkids (fuck all to do with her of course so the opinion is disregarded)

Mind you, she's old school. Bends to the will of the husband. Even though she works and he doesn't. She shops and he doesn't. She cooks and he doesn't. Yet everything is dictated by him. He doesn't like xx food? She doesn't buy it and doesn't get any herself. Doesn't matter if she likes it.

Therefore I pretty much ignore all her opinions on marriage and childrearing.

Ha I realised my mistake in the 'balls' dept lol.
but yes OP the 'ball' is indeed in his court.

But he wanted the snip before he realised it involved a general anaesthetic. If that’s his reason for risking his wife’s life with another pregnancy, he needs to grow up.

He’s incredibly selfish. I would be so angry if I was you, OP.

How would he react if you got pregnant again, do you think?

How about a spinal block instead of a GA? I know a woman who had a hysterectomy with an epidural because she was scared of a GA. I doubt his funky bollock is a bigger operation than that.

Pumper - at the start of the last live pregnancy he told me he was "horrified"

Seems like he needs a lesson in cause and effect.

Cannae well done! I definitely think it’s safe to ignore anything she says 🤣.

Apart from the fact that it’s simply not her choice, why would anyone say they ‘don’t want anymore grandchildren’? I understand grandparents who do all the childcare saying that they don’t want to look after another baby, or to friends that they think their kids shouldn’t have anymore etc (whether we like it or not we all have conversations like that!), but it’s such a weird thing to say ‘I don’t want anymore grandchildren’.

...still, I’m sure she’s come out with even weirder things 😂🤣

So you've already had a termination and he still thinks you should just be really careful?

'His current suggestion is that "we're just really careful" which is perhaps the biggest load of selfish, ignorant toss I've ever heard. As you can imagine, it's a huge fat fuck off from me. It's this stance from him that I find so disrespectful: he knows what I've been through and he just wants to keep squirting away regardless.'

I absolutely believe people should have autonomy over their bodies. He doesn't want the snip, fine. But conversely, if you do not want to use contraception (and no, there really isn't a range of options out there if hormonal contraception doesn't agree with you and you don't want a copper coil), then you shouldn't, either. Nor should you be sterilised if you don't want to be (also a lot of trusts won't fund female sterilisation any more).

I wouldn't have sex anymore, seriously. Just no penetrative sex. Because he's not 'really careful' if you've already terminated an unwanted pregnancy.

I understand where you’re coming from. When either another pregnancy or sterilisation would be very dangerous, it’s perfectly read to think that actually it’s the man’s turn to take responsibility for contraception.

However, it’s his body and he is the only one who can make decisions about it.

Therefore the only safe way forward is to completely avoid PIV sex.

**perfectly reasonable

After all this it would seem that it's not just PIV sex I don't want, as I'm going off the idea of all forms of sex with him. Losing my appetite quite rapidly, in fact.

Is he the type that will still expect you to service his cock if you're not going to allow PIV sex? Do you even want to? If you don't then you don't. He can see that as a dealbreaker, but so can you.

@newyear.
This sounds like a much bigger question needs to be asked as I presume you are both relatively young.
No idea how it should be phrased but it looks like no sex until you are on a more even keel. A snip then separating (if it went that far) is a different thing if you are young.

DH had promised to get the snip after DC3 but he backed out and I was not happy about it. I think it’s selfish and unreasonable especially as you have had a complicated termination. But there is nothing you can do to force the issue. It has to be his decision. I have the copper coil which is ok. Just being really careful is fucking pathetic and irresponsible.

I'm 41 he's 51.

He's not being serviced by me at all at the moment and I don't see this changing in the short term unless this is resolved somehow.

I don’t agree that anyone can dictate what anyone else does with their reproductive health, but fuck me, on this occasion what a selfish wang that he’s not seeing that if he wants to have sex he needs to suck this up.