To tell DH to step up and get snipped

[newyearoldme]

DH and I agreed jointly ages ago after our 4th DC that he would have a vasectomy. I've had the works: CSection with twins, VBAC which ended in 4th degree tears and various complications, miscarriages and more recently a termination that didn't properly terrminate. Both the miscarriages and the termination ended up needing surgical intervention to remove retained product.

I've struggled with the side effects of various forms of contraception myself and we both decided that it was his turn to 'take a lead' in the matter. I don't feel that I've pushed him towards his at all and deliberately left it as a matter for him to come to his own decision about. When he suggested it, I of course wholeheartedly agreed.

I've also over the last 5 years had a number of operations under GA to remove polyps, to tackle cysts and resolve other troublesome cervical issues. So I was very pleased that he suggested this as I'm fed up with bearing the brunt of contraception and everything.

Today he went to the clinic for the pre op check over and was told that they couldn't do the operation as he has an undescended testicle. Apparently he could have a GA and get it done as it would involve going further up and poking around a bit more than on a local but DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip.

So AIBU to be upset that he won't even consider having a GA to get this done, given all the number of gynae interventions which I've had over the last few years? He's a bit of a wimp when it comes to blood and needles (won't even look when DS1 is having his toenails clipped...), so I'm wondering whether that's got something to do with it.

How can I tackle this delicately to encourage him to go ahead and have the GA? Don't want to go in just yet all guns blazing with a sex strike or a list of my interventions as it's not a pissing contest, as I know through years of experience that dropping hints and then letting him think it's his own idea is more effective.

I’m with you OP, all for bodily autonomy but I also think that in a relationship there should be some give and take.

I recognise there are risks from a vasectomy. However, I would argue there are more inherent risks from any pregnancy, including issues that leave women with pain and irreparable damage.

I don’t see where you’ve answered about condoms though? We used them for 6 years without incident, DH had the snip before Xmas.

DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip

Poor poppet. But that's fine. His body, his choice. I do believe there is a vibrator on the market that does the clit and g-spot both at the same time and is also a fetching purple colour. Start a go-fund-me and sho your DH where the meat-mincer is.

Why can't you just use a condom?? Pressuring someone into a medical procedure that they don't want is controlling and abusive.

'Why can't you just use a condom??'

From the sound of it, he doesn't even want to bother with that but just 'be really careful'.

Say you won't have sex without condoms then. It's either that or the snip but stress that your body can't deal with any more hormones so you can't (not won't) use contraceptives. Seems quite easy tbh.

Personally, I think that making someone else bear the brunt of contraceptive decisions is controlling and abusive too, especially when it has had adverse side effects.

My ex husband had the procedure when he was in his late twenties and he’s older of course but now has testicular cancer. It’s not a common occurrence but there is a slight increased risk.

I wouldn't trust condoms 100% either. I'd rather do without sex!

His body, his choice. And also your body, your choice.

'His current suggestion is that "we're just really careful" '

Honestly, I would find his attitude and behaviour quite - off-putting. His backing out of an agreement, his expectation that I should continue shouldering all the risks - I'd struggle to respect him. And if I can't respect him, how can I love him? Have sex with him? I'm not sure I could.

TBH, even if he changed his mind and had the snip, I think the damage to my respect for him would be permanent;.

You frequently hear of men feeling helpless when their partner is in labour, this is the one opportunity they could take in helping their partner with contraception. I get that a GA isn't as easy as a local anaesthetic but honestly compared to your history it's nothing and it permanently eliminates the looming threat of another pregnancy that you and your body will have to bear the burden of. I think the easiest form of contraception for me if I was in this situation would be to LTB, it's long lasting and permanent but might be a bit dramatic.

Yes of course it's his body his choice, but bloody hell he needs to man up!!

He is not making his decision in a vacuum. His decision puts you at risk of pregnancy and serious health problems. He's leaving the responsibility down to you again and that is incredibly selfish because he hasn't even explored it properly.

HE will not have to live with the physical and emotional consequences of another pregnancy.

My DH said that it was the least that he could do after what I had done for the family planning aspect of our relationship.

Simple. Tell him his choice is fine, and you're sure that he will equally respect your choice of no more intercourse until you've been through the menopause. Should only be another 10 years or so.

My DH was very willing to get a vasectomy after I'd had a stillbirth, a forceps delivery and 2 c sections. Was never even really a discussion tbh - he knew it was that or a sexless marriage as I can't use hormonal contraception and bled like a pig with a coil in. I also think he expected a bit more sympathy in the few days after he'd had it done .

'I get that a GA isn't as easy as a local anaesthetic '

A local isn't, either! Still involves needles. DH had his under local. And he should be concerned about the undescended testicle as there's no way for him to self-examine for lumps. I'm surprised he wasn't alarmed enough when they informed him that it can hide a malignancy and want it corrected. With the GA it's just the one needle you feel to put the canula in for the drugs and they can use numbing creme beforehand. I actually prefer GA's to locals myself. Blissful! Just the push of drug and you're out in no time, waking when it's all over.

His current suggestion is that "we're just really careful"

I agree with him - so careful in fact that his dick goes nowhere near you.