To tell DH to step up and get snipped

[newyearoldme]

DH and I agreed jointly ages ago after our 4th DC that he would have a vasectomy. I've had the works: CSection with twins, VBAC which ended in 4th degree tears and various complications, miscarriages and more recently a termination that didn't properly terrminate. Both the miscarriages and the termination ended up needing surgical intervention to remove retained product.

I've struggled with the side effects of various forms of contraception myself and we both decided that it was his turn to 'take a lead' in the matter. I don't feel that I've pushed him towards his at all and deliberately left it as a matter for him to come to his own decision about. When he suggested it, I of course wholeheartedly agreed.

I've also over the last 5 years had a number of operations under GA to remove polyps, to tackle cysts and resolve other troublesome cervical issues. So I was very pleased that he suggested this as I'm fed up with bearing the brunt of contraception and everything.

Today he went to the clinic for the pre op check over and was told that they couldn't do the operation as he has an undescended testicle. Apparently he could have a GA and get it done as it would involve going further up and poking around a bit more than on a local but DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip.

So AIBU to be upset that he won't even consider having a GA to get this done, given all the number of gynae interventions which I've had over the last few years? He's a bit of a wimp when it comes to blood and needles (won't even look when DS1 is having his toenails clipped...), so I'm wondering whether that's got something to do with it.

How can I tackle this delicately to encourage him to go ahead and have the GA? Don't want to go in just yet all guns blazing with a sex strike or a list of my interventions as it's not a pissing contest, as I know through years of experience that dropping hints and then letting him think it's his own idea is more effective.

I suspect the possibilty of life with no sex may change his perspective.

Vasectomy is not without risks- I would never ask anyone to have this surgery.
My friends OH is now in a wheelchair as a result of his vasectomy.

I wouldn't ask someone to have a vasectomy but I wouldn't ask someone to take the pill for me either - it can cause all kinds of problems. Women risk their lives to give birth - friend of my sister died in childbirth. Childbirth can cause all kinds of long term problems.

To be clear, he had an undescended testicle as a child I presume? Not now? He can't still have one now.

As far as I'm aware he's never had treatment for it. Not quite sure why. He said he even asked the GP at the initial appt whether it would affect a vasectomy but was told it should be fine.

My dh had another issue that arose when they tried twice with la. He thought about it for a bit then had a ga. He hates hospitals and everything to do with them but did it and they sorted the other issue at the same time. We went without until then because the risk of pregnancy 4 was too high. There is plenty you can do without full on sex. This was a deal breaker for me as I could not have another without more during and post birth surgery. I told him how I felt and he pondered for a few weeks before realising his fears were less than my danger.

Something’s not right there. All boys are checked for undescended testicles. All undescended testicles are treated because of the risk of testicular cancer.

Have you ever noticed him missing one? Any chance he is lying to you?

Gosh. I think he and I need a chat about this descended testicle matter. He's saying he knew about it so why it wouldn't have been treated is odd. Maybe he was treated for it but there were complications or something. Either way a long chat is in order for tonight once the kids are in bed.

I don't think he's lying. He might be avoiding the issue (lying by omission?), but he's not an outright liar. Not that I've ever discovered or suspected so far anyway.

One of my unpopular opinions but nonetheless I'll risk it! . I had a lot of womens issues, I knew another pregnancy would be a risk to me. There are no certainties in life. I might have died tomorrow, no way would I take the opportunity away from DH to create another family after I was gone. I chose to get sterilised. So if you don't want another pregnancy - you get sterilised. You do not have bodily autonomy over another person.

You're trying to force someone in to an operation, and giving up their fertility, that is 100% wrong. It needs to be his decision, without any hassling, coercing etc.

Women get a whole range of contraceptive options. There's a hormonal and a none hormonal coil, a subdermal implant, depo injection, patches, and a whole library of different pills that means most women can find one that suits them, even if there is a bit of trial and error. There are cervical caps, sponges, both can be use with or without spermicide, and there is the female condom. There may be others i haven't listed, but thats a good few options. It is completely accepted that women can dislike or find uncomfortable all of these and reject all options, and insist on the use of a male condom.

Males get one contraceptive, the male condom. Yet if a male dislikes using them, doesn't like the feel, finds it uncomfortable, desensitising etc and doesn't want to use them, he gets slated. He is made out to be selfish, and heaven forbid he wants a woman to use one of the female contraceptives instead.

Expecting a male to give up his fertility and be sterilised as his only other "option" is wrong. It should be seen as permanent in most cases, it can sometimes be reversed, but not reliably. If you should split up, or heaven forbid, you die or lose a child/children, he may want more in the future with somebody else, possibly even with you.

He's made it clear he doesn't want to do it, so stop pressuring him, it is abusive. If you can't/don't want to use any of the contraceptive methods available to you, fine. If he doesn't want to use a male condom, fine. It is entirely up to you if you no longer want to have sex with him as a contraceptive measure.

You trying to pressure him to have a vasectomy, would be no different than him pressuring you to terminate a baby you wanted to keep, or to keep a baby you wanted to terminate. It is HIS body, and his choice alone. It doesn't matter if he was the one who suggested it originally, was up for it until he found out it would need a GA, or even if just after talking to a doctor and could have the basic op, he changed his mind. He is allowed to change his mind and say no to something being done to his body he doesn't want.

newyearoldme

This seems like a typical case of MN users having a totally different opinion then pretty much anyone I've ever met IRL. Cuz IRL most agree that it's better for a man to get a vasectomy then for the woman to undergo tubal ligation.

It is unfortunate that he'd need GA but considering how much your body has been through I don't understand why he'd want to subject you to yet another surgery.

You trying to pressure him to have a vasectomy, would be no different than him pressuring you to terminate a baby you wanted to keep, or to keep a baby you wanted to terminate

Yes, it's completely different.

You trying to pressure him to have a vasectomy, would be no different than him pressuring you to terminate a baby you wanted to keep, or to keep a baby you wanted to terminate. It is HIS body, and his choice alone. It doesn't matter if he was the one who suggested it originally, was up for it until he found out it would need a GA, or even if just after talking to a doctor and could have the basic op, he changed his mind. He is allowed to change his mind and say no to something being done to his body he doesn't want.

True. As long as he respects the OP to not want to risk pregnancy ever again so the chances of sex are zero.

Does he have two balls palpable or not?

If he only has one he needs an ultrasound or possibly an MRI to see whether it's still intra-abdominal, in which case it needs to be removed because of the increased risk of malignancy.

If he only has one, it's not found on a scan, it means it's died off over time and nothing to be done.

If he has two testicles in his scrotum he may have had an undescended testicle as a child and there may be some urological reason why a vasectomy is a bit more complicated.

If he has two testicles in his scrotum and didn't have an undescended testicle as a child you need to ask him how that came to be recorded in his medical notes

Almost No the DH has agreed he doesn't want any more children, this isn't an issue of him being forced to give up his fertility.

Sounds like more a fear of the operation itself but considering all the operations his Wife has had to go through along with her emotional trauma it's very selfish of him not to discuss and attempt to get over his own fear.

Almost - he wants to give up his fertility, he just doesn't want a GA. I've pointed out already that despite my extensive list of 'women's issues' I've deliberately NOT tried to pressure him. I fully get that he gets to make his decisions about his body just like I do about mine. The very many things that I've had done however were largely medically necessary rather than this optional (if I can call it that) procedure.

My issue is that despite everything I've been through in our relationship and for our family, it seems he's chickening out of a medical procedure which would benefit us both immensely, which makes me very sad as it tends to imply he has little empathy for what I've been through. As a PP said, it's his fears vs my health (and our sex life).

And it's nothing whatsoever like forcing someone to have an abortion. It's just not comparable so don't even go there.

Sorry but anyone suggesting that desensitisation during sex or mild inconvenience is comparable to the side effects of the vast majority of contraceptive options that women are expected to tolerate can get to all fuck.

NotBadConsidering

Are you a urologist or do you just really love balls?😉

He needs to man up. DH had his done under GA because there was a cyst that needed to be removed so it was a bit of a "while you're down there..." job. I respect him for saying "You've been through enough (bad births), my turn to step up"

And it's all well and good banging on about bodily autonomy but most women lose that the minute they arrive at the labour ward.

If it was me I'd simply abstain from sex, not through childishness or as a pissing contest but because quite simply your body has been through so much so I wouldn't risk another pregnancy & nor would I feel inclined to subject myself to yet more surgery.

No I'm not a urologist, otherwise I'd know why a previous orchidopexy would make a vasectomy more complicated. I do think it's an important part of a marriage to know how may testicles one's DH has though

Actually not even just contraceptive options, just everything related to reproductive capacity that women have to put up with. I would really, really go off a man that wouldn't have something to benefit his whole family for the sake of squeamishness about a GA, especially having seen his wife go through what you have. How many women do we all know who've haven't endured painful or unpleasant things for gynaecological issues? It's not like we like it any more than men do. I'd be bloody seething at him for presenting it as a fait accompli after all you've been through.

Can you please answer me he question OP?
The question innumerable posters KEEP asking you, but that you refuse to answer?

So, what is he suggesting?
As an alternative?

What do YOU want him to do next?