To tell DH to step up and get snipped

[newyearoldme]

DH and I agreed jointly ages ago after our 4th DC that he would have a vasectomy. I've had the works: CSection with twins, VBAC which ended in 4th degree tears and various complications, miscarriages and more recently a termination that didn't properly terrminate. Both the miscarriages and the termination ended up needing surgical intervention to remove retained product.

I've struggled with the side effects of various forms of contraception myself and we both decided that it was his turn to 'take a lead' in the matter. I don't feel that I've pushed him towards his at all and deliberately left it as a matter for him to come to his own decision about. When he suggested it, I of course wholeheartedly agreed.

I've also over the last 5 years had a number of operations under GA to remove polyps, to tackle cysts and resolve other troublesome cervical issues. So I was very pleased that he suggested this as I'm fed up with bearing the brunt of contraception and everything.

Today he went to the clinic for the pre op check over and was told that they couldn't do the operation as he has an undescended testicle. Apparently he could have a GA and get it done as it would involve going further up and poking around a bit more than on a local but DH has announced that he simply won't have a GA and now sees the matter as resolved: can't snip; won't snip.

So AIBU to be upset that he won't even consider having a GA to get this done, given all the number of gynae interventions which I've had over the last few years? He's a bit of a wimp when it comes to blood and needles (won't even look when DS1 is having his toenails clipped...), so I'm wondering whether that's got something to do with it.

How can I tackle this delicately to encourage him to go ahead and have the GA? Don't want to go in just yet all guns blazing with a sex strike or a list of my interventions as it's not a pissing contest, as I know through years of experience that dropping hints and then letting him think it's his own idea is more effective.

Notbad - well quite. Seems that he and I need a Big Chat about all this.

I'm with you OP. I think it is really unfair that all the physical responsibility for having children falls on the woman. He is being a selfish arse - time he pulled his weight for your joint family.

If you read my OP you'll see that the my preferred option is that he has this GA but this is complicated by the fact that if he doesn't want it, I can't force him to have it. So I've not failed to answer the question; just answered it already for you before it was even asked. It more a case of where we go from here as a couple. Plus finding out how many balls he really does have. Literally and figuratively.

I think the pp meant what contraception does your dh suggest?

How long have you been married? Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just really surprised you've never noticed he only has one if he does. It's either that or he has two and it hasn't consciously registered because it's just the norm.

My brother only has one. It's his chat up line. He reckons it's better to get it out in the open from the start so there are no surprises later that night if he's lucky

His current suggestion is that "we're just really careful" which is perhaps the biggest load of selfish, ignorant toss I've ever heard. As you can imagine, it's a huge fat fuck off from me. It's this stance from him that I find so disrespectful: he knows what I've been through and he just wants to keep squirting away regardless.

Yanbu to expect him to have the snip. My dh is 50 and I am 36. We have 3 dc in the last 5 years and I have struggled to be honest. He did sort of agree to have the snip before our baby was born but he is now dragging his heels. The thought of getting pregnant again terrifies me, i have had lots of problems previously with contraceptives so I am reluctant to use them and I am also bf our baby. He has half joked that when we are having lots of sex he will have it done! I am not being bribed when I am stressed, struggling, sleep deprived and possibly depressed, so that's that apparently.
It's a minor op for blokes isn't it? Women can die during childbirth, so in my opinion, if you're done having kids the man should just have the snip.

Some people always trot out 'you can't ask him to give up his fertility' on these threads.

This is different. He wants and agreed to a vasectomy. He's just nervous about having a GA. Fair enough. I would be. But he'll need to get over it or come up with a better idea.

My dp had a ga for his vasectomy. It scared him at first but was glad afterwards. The surgeon said plenty of men would prefer to have a general.

We've been together 10 yrs and married for 5. I've never found, seen or felt anything untoward in the ball department and until today DH had never disclosed this one ball issue. So I guess I'm feeling miffed about that too.

'Really careful does that mean 'pull and pray ??

I have read everything.
I don't think you have answered the question.
You could either insist he does have a vasectomy, investigate other medical options for him - it is possible because of the testicle for a/b/c to be done instead.
sterilisation for you, other birth control methods for you.
There are a limited number of options.

So. What's he suggesting? Bringing to the table?

I do think it's an important part of a marriage to know how may testicles one's DH has though

🤣

I disagree with other people on here (ill prepare to be flamed). He is being a selfish dick!
Tell him to grow a pair and get it done or you won't be having sex.
You (like myself) sound extremely fertile and I can completely understand why you feel the way that you do. Especially after all the trauma that you have been through. I think I would feel exactly the same in your situations and feel like its his time to take one for the team.
yes a GA has risks for him but it dos for you too if you are to get your tubes removed.
it is his body, it is his choice ultimately, but he needs to either accept that this is his turn to go through the mill a bit or go without nookie.

Tell him to grow a pair and get it done or you won't be having sex.

Did you miss the one ball update?

One ball or two... He can still have it done just needs a ga

If he grew a pair he could end up with 3 or 4, that has yet to be determined.

But seriously, if he has an intra abdominal testicle he will NEED a GA to remove it because of the risk of it turning malignant. So it's an important thing to establish because he could have his vasectomy at the same time.

I think I'll just have to tell him that the (one) ball is now in his court.

NotBad - my thoughts exactly. See if he likes this "while I'm down there and you're unconscious" attitude....

I suspect, OP, that given you've never noticed anything untoward he has two in the scrotum and had a repair as a child. If that's the case it would be worth clarifying what was said. Like I said I'm not a urologist so I'd be interested to know why a previous orchidopexy (the procedure to fix a testicle in the right place) would make a vasectomy more complicated needing GA. I can't think of a logical reason so I'd be wanting clarification of what was said.

If he only has one in the scrotum, you both need to take a good look at yourselves: him for not mentioning it and you for never noticing! I'd be baffled as to how a couple could be together for 10 years and it never be mentioned.

I don't see it as selfish or mean for not going through with it.
It is his body, so what if she went through pain doesn't mean he has to.
My partner broke his back and had 5 operations on it, so is it ok for him to tell me I must have 5 operations to be equal?

Would you all be annoyed if the husband told her to get the implant or the pull? And complained she didn't want to. I think you would.

An undescended testicle runs a 4-10% higher risk of testicular cancer .

I would assume being "really careful" would just be the usual default "The wife will do all the work, be really careful, take pills that affect her emotionally, physically, mentally or have foreign objects inserted into her body with the same risks but without taking pills"

My DH is dithering about a vasectomy but I've had to do the work on behalf of us a a couple for the past 15 years, taking pills which really affect me or having babies. Condoms aren't an option as DH has borderline ED and the slightest thing stops him. (Like condoms.) and despite me wanting another baby, he says a flat out "Hell no!" So the prevention falls 100% on me. His mother said I should be sterilised but why should I have the huge op when he could pull his weight family sacrifice wise and have a small one?!

OP, I'm seriously considering abstinence now but if it caused my marriage to fail then I would be the unreasonable party! It's seriously fucked up that everything falls on us women. No one bats an eye about us having to have GA to be sterilised.

If termination you had was a ‘choice’ because you didn’t want another child rather than for medical reasons, then he’s even more of an arse having seen you go through that once, to risk putting you in that position again.

I get that you know your DH, and we don’t, and that you feel having ‘a sex ban’ is not the way forward, but it’s what I’d do. Not as a punishment, but because there’s simply no way I’d put myself in a position of getting pregnant if the only option if I did was a termination.

So he could choose whether to have a GA & a vasectomy, or not to have penetrative sex with me. I feel though, if he chooses that route, and lasts more than a couple of months, it might do quite a bit of damage to your relationship. Not the ‘no PIV’ itself, but because of how little he seems to think of what you have endured and to be so unwilling to have a GA.

You know your DH, maybe have that discussion re his undescended testicle and see where you’re at after that.

Lostjianni - I don't think your example of a broken back (which could happen to either partner) is really comparable to the imbalance of power between a woman whose emotional and physical health revolves around whatever her womb chooses to do (or not do) and a man who would like regardless of all this to keep on having sex and squirting away even though this approach has a huge effect on the condition of said womb. Particularly if man's approach is just because he's afraid of needles.

A bit of a harsh summary but the majority of pps on here will see it.