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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being financially abusive?

121 replies

LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:12

I am at end of my tether here but feel free to roast. My H hasn't worked since end of Dec. Last year he worked 4 months out of 12. He's got weed addiction and alcohol dependency which he has somewhat overcome. I say 'somewhat' because any chance he gets he'll go and buy booze. For example, he told me this morning he's running out of tea bags. I left £10 for him to get them plus something for tea for him and his son. He's just gone to a shop and what do you know, came back with beer and no tea bags or anything to eat (not the first time he's done that). That's after getting £30 for his weed as well! Fucking fuming! So I feel my only choice is not give him any money whatsoever. Does that make me financially abusive?
I earn £21k and have a 7yo with him. He also has 15yo who stays with us 4/7 nights. I am getting into debt now to accommodate everyone and fucking hate it! Argh...

OP posts:
Mumhomealone · 06/04/2018 20:14

No that is not being financially abusive. That is protecting your family. It would be abusive to deny him essentials.

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 20:15

Just kick him out!

LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:15

Well at this moment in time I am very tempted to deny him frigging tea bags tomorrow because he pissed away the money on beer! Is that wrong?

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 06/04/2018 20:16

I would genuinely tell him get help or that's it. I've been there and it doesn't get better until they've hit rock bottom unfortunately

MadMags · 06/04/2018 20:16

Why are you still with him?!

Tobuyornot99 · 06/04/2018 20:16

LTB, what's he adding to your life?!

Allthewaves · 06/04/2018 20:17

No addicts can't have access to money.

If he's not getting help from AA or NA then I'd seriously think about staying with him.

LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:17

He's got nowhere to go sadly. How do I even put it across to him?

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 06/04/2018 20:17

No. Leave him.

DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 20:17

No. Not giving money for alcohol and drugs is not abusive.

MadMags · 06/04/2018 20:18

He has places to go. The job centre for a start.

greathat · 06/04/2018 20:18

My first LTB

KirstenRaymonde · 06/04/2018 20:18

No it doesn’t, and he is not being a partner. What do you get from this relationship?

Nomorechickens · 06/04/2018 20:19

You are enabling his drug and alcohol abuse. Stop giving him money, he can't be trusted with it. Don't get into debt. Would you be better off without him?

retirednow · 06/04/2018 20:19

I wouldn't give him money or ask him to go shopping, he can't be trusted. Where did he get the 30 for weed from. Is he claiming any benefits, getting help for his addictions. Are you planning on staying in this relationship, is it the best thing for him to be left with two children when you're at work.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/04/2018 20:19

Don't give him money for weed, that's money you could be using for your son and your household, encourage him to see a dr and get help weaning himself off (even if it means a rehab stay)... when he is off the weed you will be able to rebuild trust with money with him

ichbineinstasumer · 06/04/2018 20:19

don't go into debt, you will all be dragged down. See if you can get some advice from an addiction charity for how you can deal with the situation but I can't see an alternative to drawing a line and requiring him to take some decisive action before you can consider your future together again.

Nunyabusiness · 06/04/2018 20:20

No, that is not financial abuse.

Your priority is to feed the kids, not to keep him in beer. If you don't give him any money then at least you'll know you're doing the former

Motherd · 06/04/2018 20:21

I really feel sorry for you and I can completely understand how stressed out you must be feeling over it. Does he admit he has a problem? Feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat! Flowers

And no you are not being financially abusive!

LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:22

It's just that I feel I can't even trust him with a fiver! How sad and pathetic is that?

He's not an asset, he's a liability. But I know should I mention anything to him he'll go into defensive/vile mode. I'm asking your opinions to help me shut his stupid excuses and blame shifting out.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 06/04/2018 20:23

Having nowhere to go is a bullshit excuse. He hasn’t overcome anything when he is essentially stealing money meant for tea bags and food on alcohol and still smoking weed.
If he’s not working I hope he’s contributing in other ways.
Is that really the kind of person you want your child growing up around?

PatriciaHolm · 06/04/2018 20:23

He's leeching from you and basically taking food out of the mouths of his kids.

Get him out.

Greenyogagirl · 06/04/2018 20:24

If he’s likely to get nasty, lock the door and tell him to go to a hostel and get help for his addictions

retirednow · 06/04/2018 20:24

Doesn't he Have any money of his own, he is not your priority. What does is sons mother think about it, I would seriously stop enabling him.

MadMags · 06/04/2018 20:24

Please, please consider doing the right but difficult thing.

He’s not a good person to be around you or your dc.

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