Am I being financially abusive?

[LucyMorningStar]

I am at end of my tether here but feel free to roast. My H hasn't worked since end of Dec. Last year he worked 4 months out of 12. He's got weed addiction and alcohol dependency which he has somewhat overcome. I say 'somewhat' because any chance he gets he'll go and buy booze. For example, he told me this morning he's running out of tea bags. I left £10 for him to get them plus something for tea for him and his son. He's just gone to a shop and what do you know, came back with beer and no tea bags or anything to eat (not the first time he's done that). That's after getting £30 for his weed as well! Fucking fuming! So I feel my only choice is not give him any money whatsoever. Does that make me financially abusive?
I earn £21k and have a 7yo with him. He also has 15yo who stays with us 4/7 nights. I am getting into debt now to accommodate everyone and fucking hate it! Argh...

Just ask him to leave. Point out to him that he is the father of a 15 yo and a 7yo and he is providing for neither of them. You are.

I would end the relationship before he drags you down any further. Any man who puts his drug and alcohol addictions over his children is not worth being involved with.

I don’t think there’s anywhere to go from this.

He needs to leave. He’s an adult, give him a deadline.

I absolutely want out!

He knows he's got dependencies and addictions. He's not prepared to quit weed. He massively cut down on it though since losing his job. It costs me around £30 a week. Beer he'll get when I'm stupid enough to leave him some grocery money, like he did today. He used to glug it down from the moment he woke up a few months ago. And I am definitely not trying to make him look like a normal human being, he's a lost cause, just want to give you a realistic picture.

I'm asking your opinions to help me shut his stupid excuses and blame shifting out.

You can't change someone.

You can only change yourself. You are only responsible for you.

Stop enabling him, stop allowing him to ruin your life. Stop empowering him to be the person he is.

Either kick him out or leave him. Take control of your life and allow him to live his.

Him being around your kids makes alcohol and drug abusive something that appears acceptable. Please ask him to leave

He's not "prepared" to kick weed, and you give him the money for that?

Stop enabling him.

You’re buying him £30 worth of weed a week? And you’re getting into debt?

It doesn't sound like you are happy in this relationship and who can blame you. Don't give him money for tea bags. You already did that and he spent it on drugs. You need for him to learn some lessons. Rather than give him money for essentials in future, buy the essentials yourself. He can't be trusted with money. He needs to sort out his addiction and also needs to get a job. To be honest, you are best out of this relationship. If you want out if it, give him a month to sort out somewhere else to live. He will get help if he is about to become homeless, so don't worry about him having nowhere to go. Don't feel guilty either. He has brought this on himself

What greathat said.

It's too late for him to change. If he's not got any smarts by the age of 45 he's not got much chance. Should I just bite the bullet and be prepared for some abuse while I put it across to him that it's time to go?

Don’t you and the boys deserve better than this? I might support him more remotely, but I wouldn’t want to live with him.

Is he on the tenancy agreement? If not, throw him out. You are not responsible for him and he has no right to steal money from you. If you think he will become physically aggressive, call the police DV unit or 101 and tell them you want to get your abusive partner out of the house.

Don't worry if he threatens to kill himself. It's a common threat from abusive men (particularly the cocklodger type) and they never follow through. Unfortunately.

@GirlsBlouse17 99% of the time I shop for essentials myself which is so annoying, having to go shopping after a day at work because the stupid plonker can't trusted with something so basic! I don't drive so am forever lugging heavy bags around, bloody exhausting!

This all is my own stupid fault, I am so disappointed in myself, it's horrible

I do appreciate that you may have some concerns about what will happen about the 15 year old SS - is that child's mother reasonable? If you want to maintain a relationship with the half-siblings after binning their useless father, it might be possible to do that via the 15 year old's mum.

It is financial abuse. He is a cocklodger and is using your family money to feed his addictions with no care for the DCs. He needs to go. Where he goes is no concern of yours.

It sounds like things are very much over, so I think you should tell him so.
I’m very biased - I grew up with an alcoholic father. I’m 32 and still struggling with the baggage that’s left me with. Protect your son.

@EggysMum I thought that if there is no pocket money provided for non-working spouse then it's financial abuse. So he gets his money, £30 a week. It's just that he chooses to spend it on weed...

Oh, OP, you are definitely not being financially abusive! You're far nicer than me, I would be kicking him out pronto. You certainly don't need a manchild to look after. I do, however, see why you give him weed money if he's living with you; it's better than him stealing from you or stealing from others to fund his habit.

Personally, I'd be cutting him off; not buying groceries for him at all, not giving him any money, and then telling him to leave. You are far more patient than I am!

If you want out what’s stopping you

You have to look after yourself and your child. He is not your responsibility, although he will try every trick in book to make it so. He will try to make you feel guilty, be defensive, be manipulative, be angry and so on.

Addicts are experts in making it everyone else's fault.

Giving him money for groceries is absolute madness and you know it. Stop joining in with his game.

As long as he has you to leech off he will do so. Start getting on with your own life, look after yourself, don't trust a word he says. Go to Alanon. Life will get better.

@ReanimatedSGB no concern for DSS, he still has a home at his mum's plus he'll always be welcome in my house, regardless of situation with his dad

Why is he getting pocket money, can't he get a job or go to the benefits office, he's a grown man not a teenager. You can't live like this, what are You getting from thus relationship.

You're living with an addict. Addicts will do anything - steal, lie, abuse - to feed their addiction. You should take total control of the money, he should not have a penny - because he will only spend it on weed. By giving him £30 a week for weed, you are enabling his addiction and putting yourself into debt.

You need to get in touch with Al-Anon or similar because you need to relearn your boundaries - he's walking all over them. And he needs to get the hell out of your life and get serious about overcoming his addiction.

Take it from someone who has been there - I watched my STBXH slide into alcoholism, spent years supporting him because for better, for worse and yes, we have children. He didn't change, because he didn't want to.

We are 3 months into life without him. He has lost his job, his life has turned to shit. My DDs and I are happy, happy, happy. Just waiting for the divorce now.

Walk away now.

100% of posters have told you to kick him out.

Are you going to listen and put your family first?

He sounds pathetic.

@Greenyogagirl what's stopping me? How easy would be for you to make someone homeless? He's a sad excuse of a man but he's still a human being even though I have no love left. Jeez I sound like a sad walkover!