Am I being financially abusive?

[LucyMorningStar]

I am at end of my tether here but feel free to roast. My H hasn't worked since end of Dec. Last year he worked 4 months out of 12. He's got weed addiction and alcohol dependency which he has somewhat overcome. I say 'somewhat' because any chance he gets he'll go and buy booze. For example, he told me this morning he's running out of tea bags. I left £10 for him to get them plus something for tea for him and his son. He's just gone to a shop and what do you know, came back with beer and no tea bags or anything to eat (not the first time he's done that). That's after getting £30 for his weed as well! Fucking fuming! So I feel my only choice is not give him any money whatsoever. Does that make me financially abusive?
I earn £21k and have a 7yo with him. He also has 15yo who stays with us 4/7 nights. I am getting into debt now to accommodate everyone and fucking hate it! Argh...

Buy the teabags yourself.

Never ever give an addict cash - they will always buy whatever it is they are hooked on over what other people might think of as essentials.

Does he show any signs of actually tackling his addiction issues? Been to his GP? Been referred to addiction services? Engaging with whatever treatment is offered? Does he show any sigs of not wanting to free-load off you forever??

I think you need to be more protective of yourself, your finances AND your child, not be more permissive.

He's got nowhere to go sadly.

Punt the bugger out so fast he bounces - did he really leave your 7 year old with no lunch so he could have a drink? Not having anywhere to go is his problem not yours or your little child's.

he will get income based benefit

you have obviously posted before about him,will you take the advice this time??

He does school runs for our 7yo. He cooks for her and himself in the evening. I don't eat with them so he's not cooking for me.

It has to be a letter because I struggle to get the words out on the spot. English is not my first language and when I am nervous I sometimes have brain freezes.

Exactly^^ income based JSA is not tied to NI contributions.

He's got to hit rock bottom before anyone can help him.

@springiscoming yes yes yes! I am trying to push myself past the line of feeling pity for him and into the zone of pure fury! This has to stop!

He's smoking an illegal drug, he's not a fit parent to the children he has. Can you get advice from Social Services that will help you to get him out?

He's got to hit rock bottom before anyone can help him

No, they usually find a single mother to continue their parasitic lifestyle.

good.keep going

he's a dead beat and will not change,you deserve much more

C'ummon, @LucyMorningStar you know the answer

But I know should I mention anything to him he'll go into defensive/vile mode.

And you know he will say whatever to you that stops you cutting off his source of funds. What could you do about that?

I smoke weed. Helps me relax.

Doesn't mean I don't put my family first. Single mum anyway, DS grew up o.k. In his 20s now and doing great.

The best thing was dumping those dead beat men out of my life. :-)

Don’t give him until the end of the month. Tell him to go tomorrow. He used money intended for food for his child for weed.

You’re not being compassionate, you’re enabling him.

He will have to ask a mate, his dealer, his ex, a shelter or elsewhere to take him in. Not your problem.

You deserve better than this and your 7 Yo certainly does. Wrap around care will be cheaper than subsiding this twat.

@FinallyHere exactly, what could I do? Repeat 'I want out' like a mantra I guess

If you can’t trust him with cash can you trust him with the care of your DC? OP, life is too precious for this. You are denying yourself so much potential happiness but staying.

If you really are struggling with this, in your position, I would contact woman's aid.

They may well help you see your options a bit more clearly.

That's after getting £30 for his weed as well!

Where does he get money for drugs?

If it's from you, then YABU supporting a drug addict and his habit in the same house as your DC.

No, they usually find a single mother to continue their parasitic lifestyle.

Usually the ones who are looking for love so they have somebody to share the bills perhaps.

Your poor child. Grow some balls and look after your kid.

It's so easy in this situation to end up not knowing what's 'normal' anymore, that's why you're questioning yourself OP. It's not you, his addictions are not your responsibility no matter how much he tries to make them so.

My advice would be to plead poverty, everytime he asks for money for weed tell him there is none because it's hard making ends meet on one wage and you've spent it on necessary items for the household/DC. I would be completely matter of fact about it so that he sees that it's a done deal and there's not really much he can do to argue against it. Don't leave him any money for food, try and make sure there's stuff in so he can't claim starvation if you must but you're right, no more trusting him with even a fiver.

Once the weed/beer money dries up he will have to make a choice, he either gets his shit together and gets a job to pay for his addictions (in which case he would also be in a better position to move out if that's what you want to work towards) or he will have to find someone else to fund it, either way means you can potentially get rid.

It will be hard and he will likely tantrum like a toddler when he realises you're not bankrolling him anymore but you have actual DC to think about and it's time he learnt adults come way down the list of priorities.

As a child of alcoholics- please don't let your children grow up around this (I say your even though I know one isn't). It does far more damage than you realise. Please please please let them have a normal life.

@Hidingtonothing he'll see nothing from me again, that's a done deal

@Snowysky I have to do right by the kids, I know. Non-resident dad has got to be better than resident addict

His older son has his own mum, does she know the situation.

Yes she does