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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being financially abusive?

121 replies

LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:12

I am at end of my tether here but feel free to roast. My H hasn't worked since end of Dec. Last year he worked 4 months out of 12. He's got weed addiction and alcohol dependency which he has somewhat overcome. I say 'somewhat' because any chance he gets he'll go and buy booze. For example, he told me this morning he's running out of tea bags. I left £10 for him to get them plus something for tea for him and his son. He's just gone to a shop and what do you know, came back with beer and no tea bags or anything to eat (not the first time he's done that). That's after getting £30 for his weed as well! Fucking fuming! So I feel my only choice is not give him any money whatsoever. Does that make me financially abusive?
I earn £21k and have a 7yo with him. He also has 15yo who stays with us 4/7 nights. I am getting into debt now to accommodate everyone and fucking hate it! Argh...

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/04/2018 20:43

You need to get rid of him and the longer you wait, the longer life is just passing you by. Next thing you know you’ll be watching your child get stoned and pissed with his dad. I’ve seen it.

My ex was the same and he has t changed. It was an absolute bastard to get rid of him because he was losing his comforts. But got rid of him I did and we’re all miles happier.

They never change, even after we split and I had the flu, I gave him money to get the kids school shoes because I couldn’t physically do it. He bought cheap and nasty plastic shoes and kept the rest for himself. Even my grown up kids hide their purse/money when they’re around him.

Get.rid.of.him and be prepared to get the police involved when he won’t piss off.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 06/04/2018 20:44

You again?
So you didn't kick him out. Pity.

retirednow · 06/04/2018 20:44

The concern about his son and your son is the environment they are being bought up in, living with a addict who doesn't buy them any food or provide for them.

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 20:46

I know it becomes normalised behaviour and it creeps up on you but it is completely out of order to put weed and alcohol before teabags and food. Those should be his luxuries and if he's not earning he can't really have them and certainly should not expect someone else to find them. He might have more inclination to work if he wasn't so dependent on weed. I appreciate he's cut down but if it's pushing you into debt, then it's £30 you don't have.
Really he needs to get a job and bring some money in to share contributing to the family, quit the weed or go.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 20:47

Lucy in all honestly I would find it easier to make someone homeless than to live with someone who spends the grocery money on drugs and drink.

I would put my concern for my child over my guilt regarding the man.

It’s only going to get worse.

pointythings · 06/04/2018 20:47

He can apply for benefits like an adult. Including housing benefit. He can get a job like an adult. You are not responsible for him. My STBX is living in a one-bedroom flat in our town, using his savings and a pension to pay rent. Do I care? Not any more. He has made his bed.

Put your children first.

Original poster
LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:48

I guess I'll have to put my big girl pants on. I'll write him a letter giving him till the end of this month to go away.

He's not getting any benefits due to insufficient NI contributions. Fuck knows why he's not got a job yet.

He asked me recently to provide a letter stating he can't live with me anymore. I presume it's to get access to council housing? I posted the question in Relationships but no-one was able to advise. Some shamed me for wanting to evict a SAHD behind his back.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/04/2018 20:49

Stop giving him money and kick him out.

Where he ends up is his problem,

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 20:50

If he presented to the council offices as homeless he would be offered a hostel or the like. I've known several people have to do this in different counties. Perhaps make enquiries so you know if he says he has nowhere to go. He can claim jsa and housing benefit and maybe then he will think a bit more about his choices, and if he's happy to spend £40+ of his £57 a week on weed and alcohol then he'll probably be quite cold and hungry. But you are just enabling his choices at the moment.
I do know it's easier said than done.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2018 20:50

Taking money from you for food and spending it on beer - that's what I'd call financial abuse. Get rid of him.

RidingWindhorses · 06/04/2018 20:50

I got income support when I was young despite no NI contributions at all.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 20:50

I’m sorry Lucy it must be terribly difficult.

It might be the shock he needs to sort himself out. He needs to take responsibility for himself, it’s not your fault.

Original poster
LucyMorningStar · 06/04/2018 20:51

@SpringNow yeah me again. I am already ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
BrazzleDazzleDay · 06/04/2018 20:53

My dh had a gambling addiction, one of the best solutions after he wanted to quit was my own bank account. His wage was then put into it and we only had one card that he had no access to, if he had cash for the shop, he brought receipts back just incase I wanted/needed to look. He had fuck all money or means to it for quite a while, and while alot of people here will be horrified by that, it was measures that were needed at the time, for him, me and our dc.

My dh did want to quit, because he knew that he was a second away from losing everything.

I wouldn't give him a penny op

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 20:53

Don't bt be ashamed, just make a plan. It's not easy.

retirednow · 06/04/2018 20:53

He has asked you for proof that he is now homeless, do you Have to say why he can't stay with you. He can just leave, go to the homeless unit who can help him.

RidingWindhorses · 06/04/2018 20:53

It was in the form of Incapacity Benefit, but JSA does not depend NI afaik unlike say state pensions.

RidingWindhorses · 06/04/2018 20:54

Sounds to me like he's too lazy to sign on.

StaplesCorner · 06/04/2018 20:55

If you give him a letter saying that he has to leave at the end of the month then you have given him the notice he needs for the housing office (I remember your previous thread).

Unfortunately you have to take all the actions in this.

Hepzibar · 06/04/2018 20:57

Write him a letter? For Gods sake OP, you really need some help here.

Tell him to present himself at Homelessness on Monday morning.

43percentburnt · 06/04/2018 20:57

Prioritising alcohol and drugs over buying his child dinner (you said the money was for teabags and his child’s dinner) demonstrates the only abusive person is him.

Does he provide anything for his children or leave that to you and his ex? Does he do all the housework and organise homework, school trips, hobbies, party gifts?

Kicking off when you don’t give him money (which I assume he fully understands would leave you in debt) is financially abusive. If you only have money for essentials it is not abusive to not provide him with money. If you buy yourself luxury items whilst leaving him with nothing that’s abusive. If £0 is left after essentials ie bills, food, essential school and work clothing and haircuts, bus fares, petrol etc, then that £0 should be shared.

Do you get £30 a week to spend on crap? I have a feeling you don’t.

AnnieLobeseder · 06/04/2018 20:59

See, it's financial abuse when the working partner refuses to acknowledge that the SAHP is contributing the childcare and domestic chores that allow them to go out and work. So the SAHP is also 'earning' the WOHP's salary, if that makes sense.

What you have here is a cocklodger, which is a whole different story. He's not providing the childcare or cooking or cleaning or shopping or anything useful at all that enable you to earn a living. He's just spending family money on his addiction with not a care for anyone else in the family.

Honestly, you're all better off without him. He has no incentive to change as things stand, so he won't. Kick him out for everyone's sake, including his.

Missingstreetlife · 06/04/2018 20:59

Give him a letter if he wants one. You are being abused. Women's aid or alanon maybhelp. Get rid

43percentburnt · 06/04/2018 21:00

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

This mentions leaving you without essentials. If he is prioritising spending money on weed and booze over household essentials then HE is financially abusing you.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 06/04/2018 21:01

I would put my concern for my child over my guilt regarding the man. Yes, this! Sorry Op I realise these things can be a slow descent but you've pretty much said yourself that if he hasn't copped on by the age of 45 then he's never going to. You must realise you're enabling him and by raising your child with him you're normalizing alcohol and drug dependency.

I realise it's hard to do but you need to stop taking responsibility for him. It's up to him to find somewhere to live, you don't have to organise that and by holding off until you've sorted this out for him you're just putting up with this crap longer. Look, you've tried but he hasn't (and won't). Nothing is going to change here unless you change it.

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