Am I being financially abusive?

[LucyMorningStar]

I am at end of my tether here but feel free to roast. My H hasn't worked since end of Dec. Last year he worked 4 months out of 12. He's got weed addiction and alcohol dependency which he has somewhat overcome. I say 'somewhat' because any chance he gets he'll go and buy booze. For example, he told me this morning he's running out of tea bags. I left £10 for him to get them plus something for tea for him and his son. He's just gone to a shop and what do you know, came back with beer and no tea bags or anything to eat (not the first time he's done that). That's after getting £30 for his weed as well! Fucking fuming! So I feel my only choice is not give him any money whatsoever. Does that make me financially abusive?
I earn £21k and have a 7yo with him. He also has 15yo who stays with us 4/7 nights. I am getting into debt now to accommodate everyone and fucking hate it! Argh...

Non-resident dad has got to be better than resident addict

This. A thousand times this. My two haven't seen their dad since late December. They do not want to see him or speak to him as he is now. Fortunately because they are 15 and 17, they are able to make that choice and cannot be forced into contact. If he wants to rebuild his relationship with them, he will have to get himself straight - sober, mentally well, employed and above all with his ability to be happy restored.

Your partner has the same road to travel and the sooner he starts doing it - without you as a crutch - the better for all of you.

You are right. A non resident dad who is an alcoholic is far batter than a resident alcoholic. I'm alcoholic but the drugs come into it as well obviously. You don't want your kids thinking weed is normal.

Please bite the bullet and ask him to leave. If he's old enough to find himself a dealer, he's old enough to find a home. If he can't, that's his problem, not yours to deal with. Just keep the kids first in your thoughts- he isn't or else he wouldn't be drinking or using.

Speak to Adfam, the charity for families of addicts, perhaps? www.adfam.org.uk

They probably have advice on how to handle feelings of guilt when having to play hardball with an addicted spouse, I'm sure it is very common to feel the way you do.

I'm not alcoholic!, I meant- 'I'm saying alcoholic but drugs obviously come into it'
(Really must check before posting!!)

I feel awful for you and your child. You are NOT making him homeless, he has. He's the one who has been making awful decisions, you're enabling him to do so. Unfortunately, people won't change if they don't have to. Force him to be a good dad and make sure he doesn't teach these habits to your child.

It’s a tad unfair to say nobody was able to help you on your last thread lots of people gave you factual information that could assist you.

You can just chuck him out if he’s not on your tenancy, if he is or if you are legally married you can have him removed by court order.

You do not have to give him a letter unless it suits you to do so.

You will not be held liable for his 15yo unless you wish to be

The 15yo can remain with you if you both wish that to happen it would be almost impossible for either parent to prevent it.

OP "I presume it's to get access to council housing? I posted the question in Relationships but no-one was able to advise."

no, you got good advice and explanations of the legality.

also not sure - did you mention on that thread about the drugs? There are some idiots on MN who think that you never ever treat a man like an adult, maybe they made mad replies that I didn't see.

but seriously, he asked you for the letter, he's ready to go, give him the fucking letter already and stop buying weed.

I have no idea why you don’t just give him the letter and leave him on.

Seriously.

Getting advice you don’t like is not the same as nobody helping you, by the way!

I appreciate all advice and opinions. However after last thread it was still not clear to me what kind of letter it is he's after. It might be me just being dim, I apologise in case I come across as obtuse.

Do you think he wants a letter to say he will now be homeless in the hope the council will house him while he doesn't work, drinks, smokes weed. Where will you and your 7yo son live now and in the future and will you stop looking after his 15yo. Why can't he just get a job and rent a room.

Have you asked him what type of letter he’s after, and why?

And obviously, you don’t actually need to give him a letter to get him to go.

Get him out of your house. It will force him to sort himself out or sink and protect your child from being exposed to this.

Hows things going op?

OP, what are you doing? :( you're better than this. I'd give him nothing if you can't trust him

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic dad who sold my Christmas presents on boxing day to buy drink - please kick him out asap.

I have a lifetime of trust and commitment problems because of this. Dont do it to your child.

LucyMorning No way are you being financially abusive- it is not abuse because your motive is not to control him or humiliate him or isolate him. You are trying to save him from himself.

I'm fine, thanks for asking. He smiled at me today and for the first time I couldn't and didn't smile back. He's not asked for tea bags though! I am composing the letter in my head. I want to write something that doesn't get personal but clear enough to tell him he's got to go. Grey rock style, am I correct?

good luck op

"17 99% of the time I shop for essentials myself which is so annoying, having to go shopping after a day at work because the stupid plonker can't trusted with something so basic! I don't drive so am forever lugging heavy bags around, bloody exhausting!

This all is my own stupid fault, I am so disappointed in myself, it's horrible"

@LucyMorningStar This is not your fault. You should not be disappointed in yourself. You have done your best to keep things going but now is the time to call it a day with this loser. You have the chance now to start afresh. He was lucky to have you but he has ruined it with alcohol and drugs. Life is too short to invest any more time in him. He is a liability. I wish you much future happiness in this new chapter in your life xx

Never mind about the letter just get him out of the house, he can worry about his own letter. He left your young child without food so he could spend it on drink ffs.