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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Family money"

115 replies

namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:02

If your a sahm and your partner works it's fair that you should either be given access to a joint account or if not you should be entitled to a certain amount of money per month...(not eligible to claim tax credit/child benefit etc)
And shouldn't have to ask for "fuel" etc money on a day to day basis because it demoralising and controlling?

OP posts:
firstworldproblems2018 · 05/04/2018 23:08

Regardless of whether you are a SAHM or work full time, are a woman or a man, no one should be ‘asking’ their partner for money for essential things if to do so means it makes them feel humiliated or if the partner denies access to money they have for basic, essential things.

Why do you ask?

Callamia · 05/04/2018 23:09

I think adults should respect each other and work out their finances so that no one is skint and having to feel like they’re begging.

We’re currently in the situation where my husband is taking parental leave, so is receiving statutory pay while I am on full pay. I’m transferring money into his account to make sure he has enough. We’re too lazy to sort out a join account, so this works for us. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t do this - it must be about control. Horrid.

Fruitcorner123 · 05/04/2018 23:13

If you work full.time and your partner looks after your children for free (often sacrificing their career and future goals) you are saving a fortune in childcare and should be eternally grateful for the care, love and stability she/he is providing for your children and ensure that she/he is always treated as equal in every respect including access to family money.

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2018 23:15

Equal access to all money, equal division of surplus after bills paid.

I’m currently on mat leave - I can access all money and have exactly the same funds to piss around with (considerably less than when I was on mat leave!) and it works perfectly.

disneydatknee · 05/04/2018 23:17

We have a joint account and the same "pocket money" each week to spend on ourselves. I was up until recently a sahm and my partner was the breadwinner. We still had the same amount of money for ourselves. He knows I shouldn't have to justify spending a few quid on a coffee or day out and he shouldn't have to justify spending money on a few drinks over the weekend. We set a budget and what we can afford and split it. If either of us spend out of our joint account we ask each other first. It is degrading having to ask your partner for money. When I first started off as a sahm we were in that situation and I remember asking him for bus fair to meet a friend and it was horrible. So we had a chat about what was fair and he agreed I shouldn't suffer for being at home with our child. I'm not free childcare!

Original poster
namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:19

Sorry was a hasty op

I'm a sahm, p works full time. (Own business)

I have to ask for every penny I need..,petrol in the car then I get asked why my fuel has gone so quickly, etc...feel like I need to justify what I need the money for when I ask for it.
Or otherwise there is no need for it because he doesn't seem to realise I need money for 'just incase stuff' my contract phone ended 3 years ago just before our first child was born and o cancelled the contract because I knew I couldn't continue the contract but it's been close to 4 years and I have a phone still (my old iPhone) but never have any 'credit' or anything on. So if I was to break down in my car etc I couldn't contact anyone. These are small things for example that he doesn't see as urgent

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 05/04/2018 23:19

You already know the answer to this. Take care

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 05/04/2018 23:21

OP, this is not a man who loves you or thinks about you’re safety or enjoyment of life. What are you getting fro maybe relationship?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 05/04/2018 23:21

Typo: from the relationship

Original poster
namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:26

Calvin your exactly right.**
I've just had it out with him and had "well you'll spend it on..X.Y,Z I said "when have I ever done that, if I've popped out to get something (with cash) I always give you the change back" ...which then he was silent and it was end of conversation

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 05/04/2018 23:32

Speechless.

Didn’t this come up at all before you gave up working?

NettleTea · 05/04/2018 23:34

he asks for the change back???!!!
Is he your dad?
seriously no, this is financial abuse and is actually a crime now

notangelinajolie · 05/04/2018 23:36

Why do you need to ask? Seriously - is this a wind up?

Jadoo · 05/04/2018 23:36

Please give Women's Aid a call. This is so totally wrong.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 23:37

It won't be just money, either. This man thinks of you as somewhere between a household appliance and a pet - I bet you get no input into any household decisions and are expected to open your legs every time he gets a twitch in his tackle. He's an abusive prick who hates women: start planning your escape.

Jadoo · 05/04/2018 23:38

That's a bit flippant notangelina, that's how abuse works and when you're in it you can't always see it until it gets really bad.

AdoraBell · 05/04/2018 23:39

You should have equal access to the income. This sounds like financial abuse to me. Do you have your own bank account?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/04/2018 23:42

When factoring in essential bills, as a family are you very skint?

TreeClimbingMonkey · 05/04/2018 23:43

SAHM here, I have access to all monies, see the invoices Dh issues and have a credit card which is automatically paid every month out of the joint bank account.

We have worked it this way for over 12 years. I wouldn't want to have to put my hand out for anything and Dh wouldn't want to be in a position of sole controller of money.

I have my ow car and fill it with petrol as and when I need it. It is called being an adult.

You are suffering from financial abuse, you should have access to family money.

TreeClimbingMonkey · 05/04/2018 23:44

*own car

Original poster
namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:50

Needsasock no 'he' isn't generally skint but it has s when it comes to me (our family) "I guess" he earns a decent wage and spends as he sees fit on himself etc.
What can I do if I'm not working, have no income at all & solely rely on him.** How can I get out of this? Without him taking the children from me?

OP posts:
DariaG · 05/04/2018 23:51

You don't need to have a joint bank account but if you don't have any money your husband should give you some. Every family has their own financial arrangements, but these arrangements should suit both parties. I've heard many stories about this type of abusive behaviour and would always have savings just in case it ever happens to me
Try to reason, hope it helps

Original poster
namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:51

Isnt* when it comes to him
Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/04/2018 23:51

I think couples need to work it out for themselves. I would have hated not having my own money that I had earned. But everyone is different. Obviously if one partner isn't earning they need access to money.

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