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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Family money"

115 replies

namastethefuckaway · 05/04/2018 23:02

If your a sahm and your partner works it's fair that you should either be given access to a joint account or if not you should be entitled to a certain amount of money per month...(not eligible to claim tax credit/child benefit etc)
And shouldn't have to ask for "fuel" etc money on a day to day basis because it demoralising and controlling?

OP posts:
Jadoo · 05/04/2018 23:52

He won't want the children, you are the main carer, don't worry about that. Please please give WA a call, they are brilliant and you can talk through your options. Do you jointly own a house together?

LittleOwl153 · 05/04/2018 23:55

You can claim child benefit - he will have to pay it back through his tax.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2018 23:56

Didn't read the rest of your posts only the first one. Sorry. Of course this is totally unacceptable. In your position I would leave. So you don't even get a fixed amount a week or a month you need to ask for every penny. Unthinkable.

category12 · 06/04/2018 00:03

Do you get child benefit? Do you have a bank account? If not, get both, stat.

ibicus · 06/04/2018 00:03

Everything should go in a joint account if you're a sahm. You should each get a personal luxuries allowance and everything else should come out of the joint account (petrol, rent/mortgage, bills things for kids, etc) If he doesn't want to treat you as an equal and doesn't value your frankly more important and more hard working contribution to the family then leave him because it's financial abuse and we don't life in the 1950s anymore.

CommanderDaisy · 06/04/2018 00:06

This is appalling and financial abuse.
That you have to return " change" to him is just unspeakable. That you have no phone is the same.
Take the advice of UK posters and call the relevant support agencies.This is not a healthy relationship, his level of control over you is not good at all.

Flowers
bunbunny · 06/04/2018 00:08

You should claim child benefit so that you get you NI credits which could have a big knock on effect in the future on the state pension you can claim...

Then he can note it in his tax return and it will be deducted so that as a family you haven't been paid any extra (so his money goes down a bit but you would at least have had that income).

What would he say if you said that you need to have money too so you're going to go back to work and he can pay his fair share of the childcare as well as do half the chores around the house, half the cooking, half of all the everything that he doesn't notice when it's done but will when it's not done or has to spend time doing it himself...

So he needs to either share money and stop the financial abuse or you need to escape... good luck

blackteasplease · 06/04/2018 00:09

I agree with pps that you should leave as soon as you can. In the meantime claim child benefit and let him pay it back. Why does he think you aren't getting it? Because he earns too much- thereby the assumption is that you will be sharing in that money.

As an aside, it was to avoid exactly this kind of bollocks - why mothers couldn't go out and buy what was needed for the children- that Cb was brought in in the first place and was paid to mothers (and was universal!).

DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 00:10

Does he actually understand that it's not his money? It took my DH a little while to figure out that when you are married with children finances become communal (his problem was that he was spending money selfishly rather than controlling what I spent but two sides of the same coin). Have a conversation with him. If he doesn't see reason then tell him that you need money and are going back to work so he will have to arrange childcare of some sort.

GabsAlot · 06/04/2018 00:23

i dont have dc but dh and i have a join account we share money dont spend it on crap just a treat every now and again but can do what we like

Regingaphalange · 06/04/2018 00:26

Eh??? You need your own money. Regardless of where it "legally" comes from

ibicus · 06/04/2018 00:57

Sorry I hadn't read everything- definitely get out now. He is emotionally abusing you too. I'm a single mum and I can guarantee you'd feel so much happier that way and liberated even if you did have a less money (which it sounds like you wouldn't). If you want to you'll find someone that respects you at some point but I really do think you should leave. Look into the benefits you'd receive online and do it! Power to you- you're a strong mama. Then you can start building a career and doing something for yourself. It's really horrible having to rely on other people. Hugs and strength your way. ❤️Flowers

Original poster
namastethefuckaway · 06/04/2018 12:17

I can't even claim the child benefit because he's refusing to do the form. I know none of his details to fill it in on his behalf.
What can I do?

OP posts:
waterrat · 06/04/2018 12:19

A man who doesn't allow you to have credit on your phone is showing you incredible cruelty. This is abuse OP.

waterrat · 06/04/2018 12:19

re. the child benefit - what details do you need?

DeathStare · 06/04/2018 12:21

How can I get out of this? Without him taking the children from me?

Unless there is a big drip feed coming then he's not going to take the children away from you - you're the sahp and he's being financially abusive.

In fact you'll be in a better position than you are now as you'll be able to claim benefits in your own right and get child support form him.

Do you have family you could go and stay with?

category12 · 06/04/2018 12:27

Sorry what details of his do you need?

category12 · 06/04/2018 12:30

Speak to Women's Aid, OP.

LagunaBubbles · 06/04/2018 12:30

So if I was to break down in my car etc I couldn't contact anyone

Your partner is an abuser. Why are you in a relationship with someone who clearly doesnt care about your feelings and would rather control you and see you vulnerable if you broke down for example? Seriously why?

Quartz2208 · 06/04/2018 12:32

this is one of the worst cases of financial abuse I have ever seen - please contact womens aid

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2018 12:35

Women's Aid. And if you don't already have your own bank account, set one up (doesn't matter for now if you've got anything to put in it). If you can safely make copies of a couple of his bank statements and payslips then do so.

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2018 12:36

Just seen he has his own business. Is he VAT registered do you know?

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2018 12:40

Did you not ask him why you shouldn't spend the money on x y and z if it was what you wanted to do?

I second all those saying Women's Aid. He clearly doesn't trust you (does he think you are driving extra miles to meet your 'other man' by any chance? So thinks by policing your mileage he can stop you from running off?) At the very least he needs someone to sit down and give him a stern lesson in how things ought to be, but I think he's just a nasty piece of work and you need to get out.

He won't 'take your children off you', you're their mother fgs!

Kb12 · 06/04/2018 12:43

I just filled out a child benefit form. You only need his name. National insurance number was optional.

MycatsaPirate · 06/04/2018 12:44

Please ring Women's Aid.

This is appalling.

WA can help you leave with the children. They can put you into a refuge until you can be rehoused and you can then claim cb, tax credits and jsa. You can also put in a claim for child maintenance from your 'd'h.

Imagine a life where you can choose how to spend your money, when to treat your dc and don't have to beg for cash or give back change. That's what I can't get over. You need to give him change when you've bought something.

Truly fucking shocking.

In this house, I'm disabled and dp works full time. I get cb and pip into my account and pay some of the utilities. If I'm short on cash I tell dp I'm short and he just hands me his bank card. Tells me either to transfer money from his account to mine, take out cash from it or just use it for shopping. He never asks me how much, what for or anything like that. He just accepts that as a family we just muddle money from one account to another when needed. Like a pp we are too lazy to bother sorting joint accounts and this works for us.

Get out please. You sound really isolated and alone.

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