"Family money"

[namastethefuckaway]

If your a sahm and your partner works it's fair that you should either be given access to a joint account or if not you should be entitled to a certain amount of money per month...(not eligible to claim tax credit/child benefit etc)
And shouldn't have to ask for "fuel" etc money on a day to day basis because it demoralising and controlling?

Tbh we fell into hm this trap when I went back to work and dh was sahd. He asked me for money and I transferred it as we always had separate accounts and a bill account. He was overspending what we could afford so I did question him. He sat me down and had a chat about it as he explained it was really upsetting him.

So we did a budget and wrote everything down that had to be paid. Then we agreed an amount for savings (tiny) and the rest would be split for both our petrol and spending - so we had the same amount. I then transfered this agreed amount everymonth to his account.

We used joint credit card for food that I paid off each month - again with an agreed weekly budget.

This is shocking...

You give him the change back?

FUCK THAT SHIT.

You don't need his permission to get a divorce. You will be financially better off than you are now.

Tell him you want access to family money or start divorce proceedings this Monday.

Appalling abuse.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Also, mean with money, shit in bed. Never ever known an exception.

You are being financially abused.

This is appalling. Not letting you have a phone contract is ridiculous. Supposing you broke down in the car with the children on board? Not being able to get help is putting you all at risk.

And what do you do when you need clothes or shoes?

This is a particularly nasty case of financial abuse imo. Please speak to Women's Aid.

Everyone needs money and on the face of it this sounds horrible. However, is there another side to the story? Does your husband actually still agree to you staying at home after 4 years, and can he afford to only have one income coming in? If two people agree to have one person not working when children are small, I do think the agreement needs to be revisited as the children get older. If you go back to work and start contributing financially, of course you could then insist that he does half of the chores and split the cost of after-school club between both of you.

I can't even claim the child benefit because he's refusing to do the form. I know none of his details to fill it in on his behalf

WTAF!?

He doesn't have to do the form. You can do it.

Please take some control back over your life. This is awful reading. Can't imagine how awful it is living like this. Please call Women's Aid TODAY.

Oh, sweetheart, what an awful situation to be in. As everyone has said, you are being subject to financial abuse. Please call Women's Aid. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about you, he just wants a domestic appliance to cook his dinner and look after his kids. He couldn't earn 'his' money if you weren't at home supporting him, the law recognises that it's as much yours as it is his. He has absolutely no right to treat you this way.

DH and I have always absolutely shared every penny of our money, joint account from the moment we moved in together, both of us have free access. We discuss any bigger purchases that would affect the budget, but day-to-day expenses, we both just spend what we want/need. It's our money, no matter who earns how much of it.

I hope you can get away from this man and start learning again that you deserve to have love, respect, and enough money of your own to live on without having to suffer the indignity of asking for it on a daily basis.

Claim child benefit for you. You need the NI for your pension.

Then he can pay it back out of ‘his’ money.

Then get a job.

Then LTB

What his behaviour and responses tell you is that he doesn't think of you and your contribution to the family to be equal to his.

This is abuse.

Leave as soon as you possibly can.

I'd tell him you are going back to work then see his face drop when he has to pay for childcare.

Nothing worse than having to ask for money and then having to explain what you need it for. Good luck OP

He is horrible. well you'll spend it on.. - and? So what? Unless you are spending more than you (as a family) can afford, why shouldn't you be able to spend money on things you want?

How old are the children? Can you go back to work?

My DH was SAHD with our DC. All money was (still is) joint, fully accessed by both of us. I wouldn't dream of humiliating him by making him ask for money, ever.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If you cannot make him see that this is wrong then you need to begin planning how to get out. Others on here have been through this and will be able to give sound advice.

This is financial abuse. If you did spend money on XYZ you should be free to bloody do so. Start a Fuck Off Fund. And get advice.

OP, you don't need that much information about him to fill in the child benefit form, you don't need him to do it. Or for him to agree to you doing it.

I think each family/couple need to find a way to make their finances work for both of them. And it needs to be somewhat flexible to account for any future changes so it still works for both of them.
We have any and all income paid into a joint account, all bills etc are paid from here and then we each have an equal share for 'spend' transferred into our own accounts. It works for us, there have been some minor disagreements such as DP thinking he is entitled to have 'treats' from joint account because he works hard for that money. But he also thinks I'm entitled to treats from the joint account because I work hard, but it was my fault for not taking extra... So we upped our 'spend' and agreed not to touch joint account for more than basics.

My god namaste he's horrible. You are the main carer for the children he can't just take them away from you. You are the one who makes it possible for him to earn that money. Call Womens aid.

I have been in similar positions and I didn't even have kids at the time so I cant imagine how awful this is for you! My then OH used to stand outside my work and literally take my cash in hand wage from me when I finished up every week.

You wont know whats hit you when you have money to spend.

Start a Fuck Off Fund.

How can she? She's got no access to money

ring womensaid and start divorce proceedings. If you can, obtain some evidence of his income because he's self employed and cunts like this always try to avoid making child support payments.
If it was just abaout money I'd say try to discuss it, but him checking up on things like mileage is symptomatic that it's just about control.

he keeps you short because he wants to control you. You don't have a phone contract brecause he wants to control you.

You do not have to accept control.

DH and I just share everything in joint accounts. He makes almost all of our money but he still checks with me if he wants to spend any substantial amount. He did the same when I was a SAHM.

Just because society values what he does over what I do in terms of cash, that doesn't mean that we have to behave accordingly.

Thoroughly abusive. Dump his sorry ass, then hit him for CMS and everything else you can get. Serve the bastard right.

Sorry, I hate people who behave like this on their silly little power trips. Bet he's charming to everyone else, but I bet loads see right through him.

The biggest abuse tool that men use is to threaten to or insinuate that they will take the kids. They know that that threat will guarantee your compliance.

This is abuse and you need to speak to women’s aid and let them help you in understanding your rights and also to make plans (setting up your own bank accounts etc).

Good luck- he’s a twat.

ps control freaks always say they'll take the children. They think their money entitles them to the children. That is not what the law says though, so they're wrong. The fact that you are a SAHP entitles you to the children, not him. Courts like children to stay with the main carer.

PPShe might say "Well you took antidepressants so that means the courts will know you're mental and give the kids to me"

Also wrong. Courts understand that the vast majority of women in controlling and abusive relationships have taken antidepressants as a coping mechanism. They still won't give him the kids.