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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu- ball in neighbour's garden

507 replies

Ameliel · 04/04/2018 19:04

My two DS played football on the road outside our house today, and the ball accidentally went to a neighbour's garden. This was the 2nd time it happened, the first time my boys went to (politely) ask for the ball back and the lady in the house told them they should not knock on the door again. Instead, she would bring the ball back as and when she would find it.
This sounded a bit odd to me so when the ball went in today, I went with my son to ask for the ball back. Just as background info: we have lived here only just over a year and have not yet spoken to many people, including these neighbours who live three doors down. Its a leafy quiet suburb and the residents are mainly older people - not many families.
So I introduced myself and my son, and explained the ball had accidentally ended up in their garden again and apologised for the trouble. The lady was friendly to start with but firmly explained that "the rule" is that she does not want to be disturbed by kids knocking on her door, she is a keen gardener and so will eventually find the ball and return it at her convenience.
I pointed out that this could take days and the ball may not end up back to the right children (there are other kids too who play in the same location sometimes).
Anyway she was absolutely not budging and started telling me that I am disturbing her as she was about to serve dinner, and if I carry on we would not get the ball back at all.
I replied that I was a bit taken back by this attitude, it was not like the boys were kicking the ball in her garden by purpose, and it had only happened 2 times in total (including today).
She then slammed the door at my face!
AIBU or is she? I appreciate that it is annoying having to retrieve balls all the time, but surely its not such a big deal? She could have returned the ball twice over in the time it took to argue her case. I just really can't see why it is such a problem to go answer the door and give the ball back? Or am i missing some unwritten rule here (I'm not originally from UK, i've come across unwritten behavioural rules before, where I can't see anything wrong but my native husband thinks it is wrong) I don't want a neighbour war so please tell me, how would you handle this?
I feel quite annoyed atm by her attitude and so am inclined to buy lots more balls and to encourage the boys to do a lot of kick practice from now on...

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/04/2018 20:21

colditz in the real world you would NEVER get issued for an ASBO for that ffs.

WunWegWunDarWun · 04/04/2018 20:22

She was polite, she only got rude when you started being ridiculously entitled. Of course she shouldn't keep giving the ball back. How do you think they'll learn not to do it?

SideOrderofSprouts · 04/04/2018 20:22

Yabu

I’ve had this in the past. Five times in half an hour. Whilst I was trying to settle a baby. So I did the same. She’s not there to serve your kids.

kaitlinktm · 04/04/2018 20:22

To me it just seems really petty.

Well things do seem petty when they don't affect you.

I feel for her - we live in a corner house where kids used to play football at the side and would welly the ball into our back garden. I'm not exaggerating but in the summer they would be knocking every ten minutes. Imagine if you are working or sleeping (DH was on nights) and you were summoned to the door every ten minutes - different kids, so that's all right then.

When we said we couldn't go hunting for the ball right at that very minute they would climb over the fence! These kids included fifteen year olds who could really kick the ball hard and could well have played at the nearby playing fields. The younger ones weren't allowed to - they told me they had to play where parents could see them although they weren't in sight of their parents at all - being the other end of the road.

In the end I told them I would only return the ball to a parent - so a different parent came every ten minutes looking at me like this Hmm Obviously like you they thought I was petty. Sometimes I asked them "Why don't they play outside your house?" None of them seemed to know - but I did.

I wasn't old then either - this was years ago. It didn't stop until a policeman moved into the street and they started doing the same to him. I don't know what he did but the boys got letters and it stopped.

squiggleirl · 04/04/2018 20:22

I was just taken back by the hostility and the way she lost it and slammed the door at us. Well we know where we stand with her now..

No you don't. You are being massively self-absorbed. It's all about you, with no consideration for this woman. You have no idea what is going on for this woman, but you've decided irrespective of that your wants, and the wants of your kids over-ride her right to live her life as she pleases in her own home.

  • She explained to your boys what would happen if the ball went in her garden again, and she followed through on that. You decided she shouldn't.
  • You called around at a time that suited you, and never enquired as to whether or not the time suited her. You decided she needed to engage with you at a time of your choosing.
  • When she explained the situation and how she would return the ball, you decided that was unacceptable, and her opinion was irrelevant.
  • When she explained she was trying to serve dinner, you persisted ensuring she was perfectly aware that her time and priorities were irrelevant whilst you endeavoured to get what you wanted.

And still you carried on to the point you drove the woman to slamming the door in your face.

There were cues here that you were pissing her off. You ignored them all, as you were only interested in you and your DSs wants.

Anything can be going on in a house at any time. You have no idea. Nobody is under any obligation to explain themselves to you. She made a decision about what she was going to do with her time, and you just need to suck it up. It's not all about you.

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 20:23

Pengggwn - il just make sure they keep there faces down and hood up. Not a problem, there be in and out so quick you won’t be able to tell which child it was from the neighborhood

londonrach · 04/04/2018 20:23

This reply has been deleted

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Lacucuracha · 04/04/2018 20:24

@Mumofboys

I think she's being mean - boys get very attached to their footballs and it wouldn't take her a minute to go and look for it! If she's very elderly then maybe it would be uncomfortable for her to go and look, but otherwise, she's just being crabby.

Doesn't mean they should expect their ball back instantly when they kick it over into someone's garden. The neighbour is not their ball finder.

And sparing a minute can be disastrous when you have onions cooking or pasta heating on the hub or anything else cooking.

When the neighbour told her she was disturbing her cooking, OP should have said 'I'm sorry to distub you, we'll wait for you to give us the ball.'

lalalalyra · 04/04/2018 20:24

Why on earth would anyone tell their kids to just let themselves into someone's garden? Especially when they'd been told not to do that by the houseowner.

Kids would get a shock if they went into one of the gardens in our street. It's cat proofed to keep their cat in for a reason - vicious little bugger it is! Another has an unguarded pond (they have no kids) that's deeper than it looks...

All for the sake of a ball.

Babyplaymat · 04/04/2018 20:24

Why are you so determined to encourage and facilitate your kids being disrespectful little shits fijisky? Not something to be overly proud of.

mirime · 04/04/2018 20:25

I'd give the ball back straight away, and have done, but it's not happened that often - unless you count the day I went in the garden and found about eight all from next door, though to be fair they didn't ask for then back, I popped my head over the fence and asked if they wanted them.

But, if it happens all the time I can see it would get annoying. For all you know she implemented the rule after children repeatedly kicked their ball into her garden and kept pestering her to get it back. Imagine if you had the same children knocking on your door five or six times in a row.

Pengggwn · 04/04/2018 20:25

Fijisky

Nice crims you're raising there.

No problem: balls that came over would be immediately retrieved, by me, and added to my already extensive collection, indoors. When your horrible children knocked, I'd say I'd never seen them. Nope. Not me. Balls? I see no balls.

llangennith · 04/04/2018 20:25

DGS learnt from a very young age that if he kicked the ball into ndn garden he had to just wait until IF and when they decided to give it back. They were extremely good about it but I wouldn’t let him ask for it back.
Your boys will learn to be more careful.

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 20:27

Pengggwn - but you would have to see the balls going into your garden first, and since you have so much stuff to do in your house. I’m sure your not just stood by the window waiting for them😂

Original poster
Ameliel · 04/04/2018 20:29

To clarify: I was not asking - or expecting - her to retrieve the ball instantly.
The first time boys went to ask for the ball back was last week. They told me afterwards that she told them not to bother her , I found this odd as how would she know whose ball it was, if they did not let her know it was theirs? The boys also know not to expect the ball back straight away, but surely they would need to let her know it's their ball (rather than other boys on the street). Good idea about writing house number on the ball by the way!
I have always tried to teach my kids to be polite and considerate and have been told even by strangers that they are impressed by their good manners.
I was not arguing with her, I was trying to remain clam and polite and told her that we would be more careful in future. The reason I went over in first place was just to clarify what she had said to the kids - I thought it sounded a bit harsh. I guess I was hoping that she would say "yes no problem I'll leave the ball outside our front later, for you to collect. " I honestly did not see it as problem to ring her door bell and respectfully ask if we could have our ball back (later) please. I can totally see that balls coming over constantly would be very annoying, but it has happened twice only and I felt it was unfair that she took it out on us. Given that it was first time we met, I thought she could have been a bit more forgiving.

OP posts:
Fuzzyduck0 · 04/04/2018 20:29

Fijisky, are you deliberately taking the mick?

ReversingSnail · 04/04/2018 20:30

It sounds as if she was being polite until you started telling her it wasn't good enough to send the ball back when she finds it! Her house/garden, her rules I'm afraid.

AutoFilled · 04/04/2018 20:30

YABU. My neighbour also have balls ending up our garden occasionally. I don't mind at all if they knock on the door and ask for the balls back. However, you shouldn't feel entitled that they must retrieve the ball immediately when you ask them. She can do it when it suits her. My neighbour never asks. I always just take them back when it suits me. I know it's theirs, they have multiple, so what's the problem?

Idontdowindows · 04/04/2018 20:30

So you honestly do not see a problem with doing something to disturb your neighbour that your neighbour has already specifically said she does not want.

Right....

Chrisinthemorning · 04/04/2018 20:31

I do this. The people behind us have children who were forever kicking multiple balls over and then ringing the doorbell - even after dark. I was often bathing or doing bedtime for DS who was a baby/ toddler.
I’m an unsociable type in my own house and they can’t get into the garden so it would have meant me going out to fetch it. I was often in my dressing gown (I get undressed early if not going back out again.)
My stock answer was that no, I would throw it back next time I went out into the garden or DH would.
Fortunately it doesn’t happen anymore- a combination of they have learned not to bother and now their children are older and don’t play ball games as much.
YABU but she was U to be rude or shut the door in your face. I was always perfectly pleasant about it - and they got the balls back eventually even if at the weekend.

Pengggwn · 04/04/2018 20:31

Fijisky

Only for your kids.

AutoFilled · 04/04/2018 20:31

Really, you shouldn't be playing football on the road if it's a leafy suburb. No one does.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2018 20:32

think she's being mean - boys get very attached to their footballs and it wouldn't take her a minute to go and look for it!

Then they should be more careful.

They should either play in their garden, outside their own house or in the park.

Their play isn't the neighbour's problem. And how many 'minutes' a day has she to give up?

(Oh and the OP didn't offer to pay for any potential damage either)

BustopherJones · 04/04/2018 20:32

So Pengggwn is creating some kind of adult soft play centre in her house by stockpiling balls, and protecting it with cctv. Meanwhile arch nemesis Fijisky is some kind of contemporary Fagin with a gang of hoodies. I do hope they dance and rap.

Possumfish · 04/04/2018 20:33

Kids shouldn't be playing with balls in the street.. that's what the parks for! I'm afraid yabu. If she's a keen gardener your kids ball is probably damaging her property!