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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
InkyToesies · 08/04/2018 08:30

Just popping in to say thank you to those posters who put me right on my incorrect “people with autism don’t lie” statement (I was told this a while back by someone who I thought knew what they were talking about. It’ll teach me not to take things like this at face value!)

To the poster who asked about the depression: thank you, yes, all is well these days though it’s always there ready to spring into life if my guard goes down, e.g. being casual with meds. Just got to be on my guard, watch for triggers and warning signs, and jump on it hard when it looks like it’s thinking of getting arsey. Know thine enemy sort of thing.

It must be like having Softzilla around! That’s a good idea now I come to think of it. Churchill called it his black dog. I’ll call mine Softzilla - sort of a tribute to her. Grin

MrsMozart · 08/04/2018 08:58

Inky thank you for that post. Wonderfully clear and well written. One to learn from.

MaggieFS · 08/04/2018 09:04

I agree with pp who say you need to stop stoking the fire on this one. You've done brilliantly in the face of some appalling behaviour from CF, but don't overdo it or you'll risk ending up as bad as she is or forcing friends to take sides. From what I can tell, sufficient friends know the whole story that they can set other people straight if they hear CF is continuing to back peddle or make up more stuff. Continue in the level headed way you were and don't get egged on by the indignation on here! We're all with you, but keep it calm.

elisenbrunnen · 08/04/2018 09:56

I only suggested she might be 'on the Spectrum' because her behaviour is just SO unbeleivable to the majority of people - in much the same way that people keep asking 'is she foreign'; her behaviour defies belief. I find it hard to believe someone would act like that - without being 'different' in some way that makes everyone else strange. As OP said earlier, she complained that the 'Rules' had been changed, which made me think she sees things strangely.

I'm normally the first to Hmm when posters suggest MH problems, as I'm well aware that people can be twats with and without MH issues. But to just pile into the CF saying she's evil, bonkers, a bully, making shit up... doesn't sit right with me. There is normally a reasonable explanation - whether 'normal' only to her or not.

Either way, she is acting strangely. I'd def distance myself, and ignore as much as possible. Let her work herself up into a frenzy if she wants, without a victim.

(BTW my Ds1 is 'on the spectrum' and prefers everyone to play by the Rules - he's more comfortable like that. That said, he doesn't act remotely like this CF has done, if he sees 'perceived slights')

bonnyshide · 08/04/2018 10:06

I really couldn't continue to spend time with Softzilla in the future, life's too short to be treated like this.

I hope you manage to spend some quality time with your real friends in the future without her around.

willynillypie · 08/04/2018 11:31

I love these posts where everyone has OP's back and supports them, and everyone rises up together in unison against an arsehole Star

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 08/04/2018 11:59

Me too willynillypieGrin
All quiet today. I think with me not responding she's giving up. Friend 1 says she thinks the story has made it round everyone now and she's made sure anyone she's seen knows the 'right' version. People are looking forward to the party! (though I'm dreading it a bit. )

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 08/04/2018 12:16

Well, we've still got your back for the party, OP Grin

HolyMountain · 08/04/2018 12:17

I have to say I'm really looking forward to the party and you reporting back, if you chose to that is. Grin.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 08/04/2018 12:18

After the party do a new thread called ‘Softzilla and the party’.

blueduvetface · 08/04/2018 12:27

Oh for the love of buggery that was so clearly a joke due to the numerous 'is she forrin?' comments!!!!!

blueduvetface · 08/04/2018 12:29

Bloody hell, did I actually post on nethuns?

MiddleClassProblem · 08/04/2018 13:06

Just be polite and pleasant when you see her. Treat her like someone you don’t really know at a party that you would include in a group chat but not seek out. She’ll make a show of herself.

blueduvetface · 08/04/2018 13:26

I'd be surprised if she turns up at this point.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/04/2018 13:51

Schadenfreude's plan is evil genius, but it rather depends on whether you want this to continue, or to die a quiet death - if the former, then go for it, but if the latter then I don't think it would be right to wind her up.

Have to admit, I posted t tongue-in-cheek. I am a bit of a bloody-minded workie-ticket, and in the heat of rage would do this. Probably wouldn't if I wanted things to smooth over and us all to be friends again.

AllNamesTakenhell · 08/04/2018 14:32

Good luck at the party. Just remember to be cool, very cool but polite. If she kicks off "this isnt the time or the place."

JingsMahBucket · 08/04/2018 15:18

Why even bother “being polite”? At this point, I would just blank her at the party or say, “Don’t talk to me”. The woman’s a nutter.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/04/2018 15:22

Because it would be taking the high road and not giving her any ammo.

Blank her and you look petty and childish.

LapdanceShoeshine · 08/04/2018 15:52

Just make sure you’re always with someone else at the party, OP. Then if she approaches you, you can be vague and neutral.

(If you’re sitting with someone who needs the loo, go with them, like a teenager at a club Grin)

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2018 15:57

I hope the party went okay, OP, please update us.

AllNamesTakenhell · 08/04/2018 16:21

Op should be polite because it is someone's birthday. While fuck off would be tempting what i would love to tell the bully, as is complete blanking, that is best saved away from a day which is for someone she likes. This bully thrives on drama, blanking gives her that. Op should blank and ghost but after the party.

Stay with someone if you can op and walk away if she starts. Let her look as shitty as she is.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 08/04/2018 17:04

I'm sure they know yours is the right version, considering how much hers has changed person to person 😂

BerylStreep · 08/04/2018 18:10

I'd go with cheerful and carefree, with a smidge of pity for the hard of thinking.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 08/04/2018 18:33

willynillypie Sun 08-Apr-18 11:31:39
I love these posts where everyone has OP's back and supports them, and everyone rises up together in unison against an arsehole star

Sadly in real life people tend to not want to get involved and potentially become a target themselves. I think you've got to try and keep out of her way and not do anything to purposely escalate her arseholeary.

I think taking the 'true' high road is the way to go.

zzzzz · 08/04/2018 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.