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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Likeindie · 07/04/2018 16:55

Can’t believe it, is she making out your the cf to everyone? when it’s actually her that’s the cf.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/04/2018 16:56
Grin
Weezol · 07/04/2018 16:57

I just can't...

For not paying even though I 'invited '?
AnneProtheroe · 07/04/2018 16:58

@SchadenfreudePersonified you are truly evil

I like your way of thinking.

YouTheCat · 07/04/2018 16:58

Weezol, that is a beautiful picture. Grin

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 07/04/2018 17:04

schadenfreude I like your thinking Grin

PanPanPanPing · 07/04/2018 17:06

DingDong, RTFT - it has been reiterated a number of times that the crazy woman is NOT foreign.

Lizzie48 · 07/04/2018 17:19

Being foreign/on the spectrum/mentally ill DOES NOT equal being a self-entitled twat. It's just the case that some people, for whatever reason, do behave badly.

zzzzz · 07/04/2018 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2018 17:24

Thank you Beryl

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2018 17:31

Ann Dobby

Your praise is music to my earholes. Grin

On a different note - My DD is on the Autistic Spectrum, and is never like this - and I don't know anyone with autism who is/ She might notice if someone seems to be getting paid for when she isn't, and wonder why, but she would never get stroppy about it or challenge them. At most she might say "Mam - X always pays Y into the bowling alley/whatever and I have to pay for myself. I wonder why she does that?" and I would do my best to find a reasonable* explanation.

  • You know - one that doesn't include the words "She's a spiteful, manipulative, divisive bitch who hates you and it trying to "wendy' you out of the friendship circle by treating you like shit."
Carriecakes80 · 07/04/2018 17:40

Sadly this is no friend, this is a chancer, who liked a freebie, and was hoping you were a soft enough touch to do it again. I am usually broke as heck, and can't afford to take my lot out to many soft play places like a lot of my friends can, and they know this and sometimes have said they will treat me, but I feel embarrassed and normally turn down the invite and hope and pray I don't sound rude. I love that they enjoy our company and want to pay, but cannot abide the thought that someone will think 'What a free-loader!' so, I try to sort out play days that are free ie walks in the woods to make dens with a picnic or something.
I cannot actually comprehend that there are people this rude in the world. Honestly! If I were you my lovely I would be glad she has blocked you and enjoy real friends. x

Mum2oneStepmum2two · 07/04/2018 17:42

InkyToesies I loved your post. You and I would have a lot to talk about! Very interesting and inspiring person. Could do with someone like you in my life right now for some guidance! Sending love 💗

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 07/04/2018 17:55

Schadenfreude party mum likes your evil plan. She does actually owe me one atm....

OP posts:
Dingdong1975 · 07/04/2018 17:55

Lizzie48 - I didn't say she behaved like a twat because she is a foreigner, I am a foreigner too. Where I came from, people don't really like splitting bills. They will make sure everyone take turns so everyone is fairly equal in the end.

PanPanPanPing - I must admit that I missed quite a lot of the 31 pages of this thread!

blueduvetface · 07/04/2018 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blueduvetface · 07/04/2018 18:03

And park politely.

ElizabethAllen · 07/04/2018 18:09

Up until now I would have remained silent but now she's calling your integrity into question, I would feel the need to address this with mutual friends (including "her"), something along the lines of:

Just wanted to let you all know how much you mean to me and how pleased we are to have met you since we moved here. We love spending time with you and all the memories we are making. I am hugely embarrassed at the suggestion that I might be taking advantage/free-loading on any of our friendships, if I have, please, please let me know so that I can make things right/repay you. I am really sorry about this uncomfortable situation. Love

mmzz · 07/04/2018 18:14

Blueduvetface if she came from a specific country that I know, it would explain the expectation of the inviter paying for everything, and the resentment if the custom was not honoured.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 18:14

Schadenfreude
Very good. I like your thinking. I’m getting vibes off you of “The Demon Headmaster”. Wasn’t there some sort of concentric circles hypnotic technique? I was clearly far too old to watch when it came out but it was quite silly and funny.

Failingat40 · 07/04/2018 18:42

"What would concern me in all this is that she's noticed you being paid for by a lot of people. She's watching you and others' interactions with you. She's gathering information that she thinks she can use against you. This isn't about money. She hates you. Watch your back."

** ^^This

This woman is toxic, her behaviour is fuelled by out and out jealousy of the way people flock round to pay for you.
Her perception is skewed and twisted. She has focused in on you and your personal agreements with others and is wanting the same.

She will now go all out to alienate you from the group. It must be a horrible situation for you and I'm not sure there's going to be an easy answer. You really need to rely on your shared friends seeing the bigger picture and not being sucked in to her sob stories.

Don't engage with her AT ALL. Don't accept her apology as you know if she was sincere she'd have sent it when she told party friend she had.

Don't slag her off to mutual friends but I would sent a ' statement' of sorts out on your WhatsApp group message saying that unfortunately it has come to light that this person appears to have taken a dislike of you due to her becoming fixated on her incorrect assumptions about your financial transactions amongst the group.
I'd also add that due to this toxic behaviour you will no longer communicate to or discuss anything about this woman and would appreciate if others do not allow themselves to become her dragged in as you believe her aims are now to cause disruption and drama amongst the group.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 07/04/2018 18:49

Years ago I worked with someone who would, when we were on coffee breaks, expect me to pay for her drink.

As a group we would all go together and as I worked closest to her, would let her know when we were going. I'd paid a few times for her when we all started as she hadn't realised we had to pay but then had to pointedly tell her she'd need to buy her own.

Just before the contract ended we all went for a meal and she tried to alter the plans and then after the meal try to insist on splitting the bill equally (even though, like me, she was drinking alcohol and had ordered more expensive food). Someone else in the group pointed out we'd all agreed to buy our own when we were ordering because not everyone had starters or desserts and someone left early. She kicked up a fuss about it not being her choice of restaurant and how on another occasion we'd split a bill equally and how she'd have to get a bus not a taxi home but one of the others offered her a lift so we got her to pay for her meal herself.

Apparently on the car lift home she really ripped into me for ordering more expensively than everyone else when we'd been out before - but I'd put more money in that time (the rest of the bill was split equally) and because I was drinking then too (so no one was out of pocket for my meal and drinks) .

The last few days were unbearable but she'd got a lift home in someone's car so really hadn't lost out any money! Everyone else ignored it but I was working right next to her. I turned down the next contract as I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 07/04/2018 18:59

I missed out - she tried to change the plans to a date where only I couldn't make it when we'd already set the date. Thankfully we stuck to the date arranged.

Lizzie48 · 07/04/2018 19:21

The OP has said that, as far as she knows, the CF is British. Sometimes there really is no explanation except that you're dealing with a CF. The woman's behaviour has been very unkind, whether British or not anyway.

GabsAlot · 07/04/2018 20:10

shes jealous of you and wants to turn the group against you

i dont know why you all dont just stop inviting her out at least 3 of you have seen first hand what she is like