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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
LapdanceShoeshine · 07/04/2018 14:02

OP, does partyfriend ❤️ know about your bank card issues? If not, give her the details you’ve just given us, & then she can squash the CF with them, & also tell CF to butt out of how other people organise their affairs - partyfriend MUST NOT change what she’d already arranged because CF has got under her skin.

CF really is a piece of work Angry

zzzzz · 07/04/2018 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tistheseason17 · 07/04/2018 14:09

Hi OP, I would have to repond to her,

Something like...

"Not that it is any of your business, but there was a reason others paid for me for a brief period of 2 weeks and, not that it is any of your damned business, they were paid back. Now, I think you need to look in the mirror and understand that you are not the boss of me or anyone else. If you want to police situations, go and join the police."

Clutterbugsmum · 07/04/2018 14:11

I think you need to get angry with CF and call her out on all her lies to all your friends.

I would send one text to her and your friends explaining exactly what has happened and explaining that at no time have you not paid anyone back when kindly covered you when you lost your purse last year. And that she needs to stop creating a drama out of nothing other then her own behaviour.

And under no circumstances do you want her to text, call, facebook or even speak to you in future unless it to apologise. Then block her on everything.

If you see her around the avoid and ignore.

HappyEverIftar · 07/04/2018 14:12

If party friend had any sense she would tell softzilla that she wasn't prepared to discuss the issue any further and doesn't want to hear any more about it. She's giving softzilla a platform.

I think your entire friendship circle sound like drama llamas.

^this

MrsAJ27 · 07/04/2018 14:12

Wow I am suprised CF has any friends at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/04/2018 14:14

Wow, what a mess, op, tell part friend to go ahead with the party and the meal after. I think friendzilla has shown others what she can be like, and I think they will make their own decisions on whether they can stay friends with someone like that. I would get rid of her, and when you see her, be polite and curt.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 07/04/2018 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RavenclawRealist · 07/04/2018 14:24

You all need to stop feeding the drama! Your friends now you aren't a sponge so they will correct the other mum if she starts! Part friend has made her plans clear she just needs to crack on and ignore this women all this texting is making her feel justified! Ignore her but be perfectly polite when you see her! Stop texting other friends to find out what is going on and get on with life! Once you all stop feeding into the drama this other mum will soon get bored and move on!

N2986 · 07/04/2018 14:28

Sounds like she's backtracking to me Hmm

Inkstainedmags · 07/04/2018 14:32

After your last update, I wouldn't explain any of the bank card issues to Softzilla or try to reason with her in any way. I would tell her very bluntly to quit being a lying, manipulative bitch and to leave you the fuck alone. I know you're worried about disruption to your social group but she is toxic and needs to be shut down. I do feel for her child though.

HolyMountain · 07/04/2018 14:34

I would completely ignore this woman and cease any kind of friendship.

Your finances are absolutely nothing to do with her and she has been an utter cow talking about you to your other friend.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/04/2018 14:44

But what’s your transactions with other people got to do with her?

If you owed her money that’s a different thing but nothing else is any of her business.

TheRagingGirl · 07/04/2018 14:47

she's seen me being paid for by alot of people and she wanted to bring it up before party friend's party as she heard I was staying for the meal after and thought I'd expect to be paid for.

Gosh!! I think I’d be very angry too if I heard that someone had meddled like this behind my back.

She is clearly a busybody and a stirrer. She’s out to make trouble for you.

Goodness knows why - she must have quite a sad little life to want to tell other people how to behave.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

Good luck! Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 07/04/2018 14:49

Surely CF is alienating herself from people now? She seems to be digging a big bloody hole verbally. I agree you need to just let things simmer now. Try not to go out with her even if it’s by proxy and maybe the dust will settle and everyone will forget about it.

The alternative is it will divide people abs split the friendship group and that will be a bloody shame.

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 07/04/2018 14:54

I wouldn't contemplate having anything more to do with this woman. She is either a bully or lives for childish drama. She's probably both.

Just block her. Tell your other friends why you've done it and forget about her.

AlbertaSimmons · 07/04/2018 14:58

What would concern me in all this is that she's noticed you being paid for by a lot of people. She's watching you and others' interactions with you. She's gathering information that she thinks she can use against you. This isn't about money. She hates you. Watch your back.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/04/2018 15:01

I think that too many people are reluctant to give mad cunts like this woman the smacking they deserve. Everyone prefers to de-escalate, be nice, try to move on, etc. Particularly among groups of women, who are still mostly socialised to be agreeable.
You and your other friends would probably be better off if Softzilla got a text to the effect of 'Look, everyone is sick to death of your bullshit. None of us want anything more to do with you, so fuck off and do not contact us ever again.' But of course no one is going to want to do that.

DickTERFin · 07/04/2018 15:06

Sheesh, she sounds like one of my kids when they think one of the other ones has had more/something better than they have.

Even if other friends had treated you and you hadn't paid them back, that would be between you and them, nowt to do with anyone else.

And if I decide to pay of friend X (because reasons) I don't then feel obliged to pay for friend Y and friend Z to even it out - they are grown ups not four year olds.

Weezol · 07/04/2018 15:12

This woman is stood in the middle of the big top whipping you all around and around and you're all letting her. You do understand that it doesn't have to be like this? The game will only continue for as long as you all keep playing.

Storminateapot · 07/04/2018 15:15

Her new story makes no sense. Initially she was angry because she believes anyone who invites someone to tag along to a play date must pay for everyone and you broke the rule.

Then it was that you'd promised to pay for her the previous time but ended up not doing so because someone else paid for you (is that even true?). So she decided you still owe her.

Then, when party friend decides to clarify who is paying for what next week based on recent events it's somehow become a 'truth' that CF thought it should be clarified or else you would assume your meal should be paid for and kick up a fuss about it because you are a known freeloader. This despite the fact that you kindly did pay for CF's meal at your own child's party.

There's no logic to it at all. She's projecting massively and one has to wonder if she is quite well.

I think I'd have to have it out with her, but with a witness and not on the phone or she'll just straight lie to others about what was said.

Storminateapot · 07/04/2018 15:16

Her new story makes no sense. Initially she was angry because she believes anyone who invites someone to tag along to a play date must pay for everyone and you broke the rule.

Then it was that you'd promised to pay for her the previous time but ended up not doing so because someone else paid for you (is that even true?). So she decided you still owe her.

Then, when party friend decides to clarify who is paying for what next week based on recent events it's somehow become a 'truth' that CF thought it should be clarified or else you would assume your meal should be paid for and kick up a fuss about it because you are a known freeloader. This despite the fact that you kindly did pay for CF's meal at your own child's party.

There's no logic to it at all. She's projecting massively and one has to wonder if she is quite well.

I think I'd have to have it out with her, but with a witness and not on the phone or she'll just straight lie to others about what was said.

Storminateapot · 07/04/2018 15:18

Sorry for double post - app said it hadn't worked either time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 15:20

No no no - you don't say anything at all to Softzilla!! NOthing! She will know that Party Friend is talking to you "behind her back" and then the shit will REALLY hit the fan!!

I feel very sorry for Party Friend - she shouldn't be put in this position AT ALL by cheeky fucker Softzilla, who is clearly angling for yet another freeby (bloody brass-faced cheek of her!) - but for heaven's sake don't make it worse for her by telling Softzilla ANYTHING about your finances!

TomRavenscroft · 07/04/2018 15:33

This woman is stood in the middle of the big top whipping you all around and around and you're all letting her. You do understand that it doesn't have to be like this? The game will only continue for as long as you all keep playing.

Exactly this.

I don't think you can dictate how your other friends deal with her, but I'd stop engaging now.