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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
AllNamesTakenhell · 07/04/2018 09:32

Block her. Then ghost her, but be civil and unengaging at the party.

Sweetpea55 · 07/04/2018 09:45

Just been reading all that I have missed,,
Growling ? ? ? Really?? She doesnt sound normal at all.
Definatly cerebrally challenged,
Hope your ok op,,it mst be really stressful for you.

Lizzie48 · 07/04/2018 09:48

Late to this thread, but without any doubt YANBU. This 'friend' is definitely a CF freeloader. I've never had an arrangement like that with a mum friend, we've never arrived at the same time anyway and we've just met up at the soft play and paid for our own DCs. I've offered to treat the mum friend to a tea or coffee sometimes.

I have paid for my DSis's DCs and she has for mine, but that's because it always involved one of us having to do a 2 hour round trip for the play date. So that's totally different. And of course, paying for a DNiece/Nephew is very different from paying for a random friend who may or may not be close to my DDs in the future.

And of course parties are different, what planet is this woman on??? Confused

Lonesurvivor · 07/04/2018 10:15

She's a nut job! I also think she's playing a game of trying to make you look unreasonable to your mutual friends, first the lie about you offering to pay, implying you don't pay your own way and now saying you're ignoring her olive branch.

Lorddenning1 · 07/04/2018 10:58

it sounds like she is trying to destroy your reputation now and trying to get the others on side.
if it was me i would fight fire with fire, the grown up thing would to be a bigger person and ignore her, but i wouldnt be happy to know someone is saying untrue stuff about me

user7680 · 07/04/2018 11:31

@caffeinefreebutsadaboutit thanks

IAmWonkoTheSane · 07/04/2018 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/04/2018 11:53

It sounds like she is trying to destroy your reputation now and trying to get the others on side. But unfortunately OP has a innocent bystander of friend who knows and has seen how CF has been behaving. So at the moment the only one in this group of friends who looking completely off their rocker is the CF.

KreigersClones · 07/04/2018 12:48

Staying quiet and taking the moral high ground, and not wanting to air your business is all well and good, but just be aware when you do that, there will be a hell of a lot of people who’ll believe her version of events. Just saying

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 07/04/2018 13:17

Hello ladies. Sorry I've been quiet just been getting on with things. Party friend (who is loving that she's being called that! ) has carried on their conversation and reports that softzilla has said that the reason she thinks I've been taking advantage is that she's seen me being paid for by alot of people and she wanted to bring it up before party friend's party as she heard I was staying for the meal after and thought I'd expect to be paid for. In this conversation tho she did upset party friend a bit as she was suggesting that actually she agreed that the meals should be paid for (but of course she wouldn't make a scene about it but was worried that I would! )
There is some truth behind some of this. Just after Christmas I lost my purse and therefore had no access to my money. The bank then for some reason sent the card to the local branch to my hometown for pick up, and we had some fuss getting it to somewhere I could actually pick up. Me and my dh took a while to figure out moving money around to somewhere I could access so for a couple weeks people did offer to pay for me so that I could go out. What she may not have seen was that I transferred the money to them immediately when I got home (internet banking). She has also been out with me and my mum who often pays for us. However it sounds like much of the conversation was actually aimed to put pressure on party friend on 'how things should be done '. Now I'm angry and want to respond....

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 07/04/2018 13:22

Sorry pressed send too soon.
I'm angry and want to respond. Party friend was upset and doubting herself and thinking of cancelling the meal bit of the party and do a buffet or something at her house and how she could make enough food.

OP posts:
Dobby1sAFreeElf · 07/04/2018 13:27

I think the best thing now I'd to ignore her. She's clearly gaslighting party friend. Just reassure party friend she said nothing of the sort.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 13:29

Hang on, so softzilla saw other people paying for you and decided that you therefore owed her a freebie even though she’s never paid a thing for you and you paid for her meal out at your dcs b’day party? Crazy crazy.

Party friend should not feel obliged to change her plans on account of this woman.

CannaeBeErsed · 07/04/2018 13:30

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on!

So what if someone (not her though!) has paid in the past for you? Does that mean you owe her??? If my neighbour lends me a fiver, do I pay it back to someone else? Your finances are none of her business. I'm 36 and my mum wouldn't think twice about paying for stuff for us. She's my mum. She can do what she likes!

I know you don't like confrontation but I would have to say something in front of at least one witness, hopefully one that will point out that when they paid for you, you transferred the money back. Ask her straight out why someone else paying for you would mean that you owe her? If you can't, then there must be a gobby one in your group who would do that for you surely? We all have that one friend who is happy to call a spade a fucking spade.

Use the anger you feel to put her in her place. Your finances and dealings with other people are none of her damn business.

Thistlebelle · 07/04/2018 13:31

Don’t respond, certainly don’t respond in anger. You financial arrangements with other friends are nothing to do with her.

Third party conversations between PF and Softplay woman shouldn’t get a response from you at all - too much he said she said.

Party Friend had a perfectly sensible plan which she had communicated very clearly to everyone.

There is absolutely no need to change any of her party plans on the say so of a person who even in the kindest light has behaved disgracefully.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/04/2018 13:31

Tell party friend not to let this woman get in her head! She shouldn't change her plans, everyone knows what the deal is and really this oddball sounds like she gets some strange kick out of wrong footing people, sowing her little seeds in people's heads to make them bloody paranoid. I bet she'd fucking love it if she managed to manipulate party friend into changing her plans.

Honestly Op she sounds like a person who needs drama and is willing to create it out of nothing. In party friends shoes I wouldn't allow myself be manipulated by somebody who'll get great pleasure out of believing she made her do it. By making you out to be the potential problem! She's a shit stirring nut job, I'd steer well clear.

Kissthealderman · 07/04/2018 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistlebelle · 07/04/2018 13:34

Kiss because that would be mean. She may flounce but they can’t kick her out. They’d lose the moral high ground.

blueduvetface · 07/04/2018 13:34

She's a thundercunt. She's going to end up not being friends with anyone if she carries on like this!

IStillMissBlockbuster · 07/04/2018 13:36

She's making shit up to try and desperately justify her ridiculous behaviour. Her explanation makes NO sense whatsoever. You would all do well to ignore her completely.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 13:37

That's not even a logical argument. She thought you were taking advantage of people by getting them to pay for you so her way to address this was to get you to pay for her and threaten you with isolation if you didn't, and that's she has now moved away from her justification of you owing her?

Your friend needs to not let her get to her. Now she's thinking she should pay for her too. It's fucking bonkers. The pair of you need to hold your ground and get the grabby cow to pay for herself or fuck off. She's not due any freebies at your expense. Your friend can't change her plan for the party,

Don't engage with this woman, no matter how angry you are, but make sure your friend doesn't change her plans to give this woman a free feed. She's fucking with you both.

Gemini69 · 07/04/2018 13:42

she's poison and trying to isolate you from everyone...

Genderwitched · 07/04/2018 13:47

Wow, I'd be angry now too. She is actively trying to undermine your friendships and is causing real disruption within your circle of friends. She is also spreading false rumours. How dare she talk about you like this to other people.

I personally think that you need to do something now OP, I think that she needs talking to, it almost feels like she has dug herself such a hole that she has lost perspective now.

Party friend sounds lovely and her plans are completely reasonable and normal, I do hope that she doesn't let this horrible woman get to her.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/04/2018 13:58

My advice (irrespective of the audience/overlap of friends at this point) still stands. You need to state your side of the story on whatever form of communication tool you prefer to use, include in the message "My financial transactions with people are personal and for no one else to comment on as they are none of their business" and finish with "I've now put this behind me and I'd appreciate it if everyone else could too". Block this woman on your phone so that any calls get immediately diverted to voicemail.
By all means contact Party Friend and let her know that she does not need to alter her plans at all and SoftZilla is simply trying to cause more hassle.

BerylStreep · 07/04/2018 14:01

If party friend had any sense she would tell softzilla that she wasn't prepared to discuss the issue any further and doesn't want to hear any more about it. She's giving softzilla a platform.

I think your entire friendship circle sound like drama llamas.